How Boundaries Can Cultivate Joy During the Holidays

Setting limits isn’t limiting; it can set you free.

The holiday season can be “the most wonderful time of the year” -- a bright time for celebration and reflection, for connecting with family and friends, and for loving up on one another. It can also be a time of stress and funk if some family members didn’t get that “good tidings” memo, or if you just need some extra TLC. Either way, in addition to those beautifully wrapped presents, your holiday will be more joyful if you remember to bring this very important thing: boundaries!

When it comes to sharing space with family you don’t typically spend that much time with, or who still see you as the little girl you were 30 years ago, or who love to tell those embarrassing stories about you over and over again, healthy personal boundaries will help you bask in the holiday spirit. Simply put, personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others with ease, can check someone’s bullying or bad behavior, and can express their needs without feeling as if they are being selfish or demanding. By contrast, someone with rigid boundaries may avoid close relationships and have trouble asking for help, while someone with porous boundaries may overshare personal information, find it hard to say no and be all up in other people’s relationships and problems.

Boundaries aren’t a bad thing, or about being selfish or disrespectful. In fact, setting boundaries is a powerful, liberating act of self-care. In other words, setting limits can set you free. If you don’t set limits -- or guardrails -- for how you operate in your relationships, you will end up drifting into your zones of discomfort, leading to frustration, anger and self-blame. You may be too dependent on what loved ones think of you, or find yourself giving in to requests to “keep the peace” and not disappoint others. Boundaries are a way for you to stand in your power and decide what works for you and what doesn’t. Or, as Dr. Brene Brown says, “boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

But it’s not always easy to hold boundaries firmly and express them confidently -- especially to those we love and respect. In the company of elders, that little girl in you may still feel the need to be extra deferential. Why? Because that little girl still wants approval and love. Nancy Levin, life coach, author of the upcoming book, Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free, and advocate for becoming what she calls a “boundary badass,” says we often don’t set boundaries at all, much less express them, because we’re afraid of how it might offend others. In an article for O magazine, Levin said, “It’s our fear that keeps us in the people-pleasing.”

This is especially true around the holiday season, when we may feel obligated to do things a certain way, feel a certain way, or express ourselves a certain way because of family, culture or traditions. But things can change, and you have the right to change them. As Dr. Brown wrote for Oprah.com, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Here are eight healthy ways to set boundaries, limit your stress and cultivate joy:

Say no. Hard stop. No is a powerful boundary and a complete sentence. Practice saying it and see how it feels: “No.” Although it may seem abrupt, there may be times that “No” is just what’s needed. If "No. Hard-stop." stresses you out, try option 2, below, to soften the delivery a bit.

Lead with “Unfortunately ...” This word can be super helpful in setting boundaries when you want to convey empathy but also reject a request. “Unfortunately ... ” lets you communicate your regret that you won’t meet the person’s expectations; but allows you to establish a boundary in a strong way. “Unfortunately, we can’t join you,” acknowledges and validates your potential host’s disappointment while ensuring that you clearly communicate your needs.

Make it clear. Nothing confuses things more than a fuzzy boundary. Statements like “I might not have time to make sweet potato tarts for the potluck,” or “I don’t know if I can bring them” leave room for expectations and negotiation. “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make them” leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Accept “no.” Let’s say a healthier lifestyle is important to you, and instead of sitting around stuffed and in a stupor after the holiday meal, you want to start a new tradition of taking a half-hour walk to get it in and strengthen family ties. You’d be in good company -- a New York Times article cited a study that showed a 20-minute walk shortly after dinner led to lower blood sugar levels in people with Type 2 diabetes than either a walk before dinner or no walking at all. And walk-and-talks can lead to healthier, happier connections. But instead of pressuring those who don’t want to join you, you can have and show healthy boundaries by accepting somebody else’s “No.” and keeping it moving.

Check in with yourself about meeting expectations. Ask yourself: how do I feel about being in this space, spending x amount of time with certain people, or meeting certain requests? Be honest. Does it align with your values? The answer will help you make a thoughtful decision about what’s best for you in the moment.

Say what you feel. Remember that feelings are usually one word, such as happy, sad, confused, uncomfortable, tired, bored, angry. And no, “some kind of way” is not a feeling. What’s the one word that best describes how you’re feeling? To set a clear boundary, say: “You know, Cousin, it really makes me uncomfortable when you say (or do)...” and then explain what it is they say or do. Stick to the facts, don’t project your criticism of their being rude or disrespectful, even if you feel that’s the case. Stating your feelings (sans criticism) creates a space for someone to hear their impact on you. Criticism will put them on defense.

“A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others with ease, can check someone’s bullying or bad behavior, and can express their needs without feeling selfish or demanding.”

Say what you need. Once you’ve said what you feel, say, “please don’t do that anymore.” You can’t predict their response, but you know you’ve set your limits and told them not to cross them. If they ignore you, you can check them again, and if they keep at it, know that you can always leave, or ask them to leave.

Bring your adult self to the family party. That 12-year-old in you may want to be a good girl who never talks back and always does what she’s told, but it’s important to recognize that it’s your adult self attending the gathering. This helps set a new boundary for those who might still see you and treat you as if you haven’t aged in 30 years. The 12-year-old you may not feel comfortable suggesting something new or saying no, but the grownup you can’t leave that 12-year-old hanging. Remember who you are outside of your family dynamics. Bring that version of you to the party. That 12-year-old can let her take over, set healthy boundaries and find joy in the freedom they create.

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.