By the time couples come to see me to get support for a struggling relationship, many of them are already in crisis. They’re not speaking about issues that matter, or they’re arguing incessantly, or they’re stepping out on each other and on the verge of separation or divorce. At this point, one of the first questions I often ask is: Are you here to save your relationship or to find an amicable way to end it?

If partners are committed to staying together, I encourage them to focus on remembering why they became friends in the first place as a way to begin reinforcing the foundation of their relationship. At the heart of every healthy romantic relationship are some basic building blocks of friendship. You may need to return to these fundamentals to reconnect with each other. Or you may have been together for years, but this is all new to you. Either way, going back to the basics can take your relationship to a deeper level.

Here are seven ways to be each other’s best friend (again):

Listen with intent. Let your partner know that you not only hear the words they’re saying, but that you get the meaning of what they’re saying. If they’re animated and say they had a great day at work, they aced the presentation and the clients gave good feedback, then you could say: “Great, hon!” and keep it moving. OR, you could mirror their energy and say, “You seem really happy about how well the presentation went. Sounds like the clients really liked it!”

This reflection shows your partner that you understand the meaning of what they said and creates an opening that allows them to tell you more about the experience. They know you’re engaged and right there with them. That doesn’t mean to solve a problem (unless they ask for help to do so), but to empathize with them (“I can see how you’d be frustrated by the situation.”) Another way to encourage them to share more is to ask open-ended questions (that generate more than one-word answers) with genuine curiosity, like “Is there anything more?” or “What do you need from me right now?” This also opens a path for them to go deeper. These deep-listening skills can help you both feel heard in times of conflict.

Tune in to each other. Listening goes beyond reflecting. Tune in when your partner reaches out for your attention. For example, if he loves the TV show Power, and excitedly describes a scene he just saw, get into his enthusiasm for the drama -- even if Power isn’t your thing. Instead of, “I don’t know why you like that crazy show,” try something like, “I know you love that crazy Tommy! What makes you like that character so much?” This way of engaging, which is known as “Turning Toward” in the Gottman Method of couple’s therapy, can go a long way toward connecting with your partner, especially when they’re trying to connect with you. 

Know each other’s internal world. Who’s your partner’s best friend? What’s the name of that super supportive co-worker, or the one who gets on their nerves? Who’s the favorite cousin they grew up with who is more like a sibling to them? These details are part of your partner’s internal world, and knowing them helps you understand your partner on a deeper level. Learn the sports teams they follow, their favorite players, the type of wine they favor, and the people who affect the quality of their days. Invest your time and attention in knowing their world -- outside of your world together.

Show appreciation for each other. How often do you explicitly thank your partner? You might think they already know that you appreciate them or that you express it in other ways (i.e., sex or a general “I love you”).  However, by hearing your gratitude for a specific action can make them feel not only loved but seen. Go deeper than admiring how they look or thanking them for the chores they do every week. Did you like how he took the lead on researching furniture prices for your new apartment together? Tell him you appreciated how he stepped up to find that perfect sofa. Then say why it mattered: Maybe it made you feel taken care of, or maybe it showed how much he cared about making the space reflect both of you. 

Also tell him something you admire about him: how he strives to keep his word, or his dedication to supporting the seniors at church. Letting your partner know you value them is another way of showing your love.

Spend quality time. Turn off the TV, sideline your devices and have a real conversation. Not about politics or the latest news story; but about goals, dreams, concerns or fears. For a little help, consider the 36 questions in a provocative study that explores accelerating intimacy between strangers (the idea is to promote mutual vulnerability, which fosters closeness). For more QT, try a new recipe and prepare a meal -- and then clean up -- together. Turn up the music and sing and dance. Look into each other’s eyes. The goal is to have fun and get to know each other better. 

Share in something that’s important to your partner. You might share a spiritual practice or a grounding ritual like meditation. Or perhaps you can share a passion -- something special or even something silly -- that you both might enjoy doing together. Invite them to take a dance class (ballroom, step, tango, salsa -- the options are endless), a cooking class, a paint-n-sip, a power walk in the park, a bicycle ride, or a visit to their favorite museum. The key is that it’s something you both believe you will enjoy, and that it will give you the chance to learn something new about your boo.

Know their “love language.” We all process love differently, and by understanding your partner’s “love language” -- according to Dr. Gary Chapman’s long-standing bestseller The 5 Love Languages -- you can communicate your love to them in a way that resonates most deeply with them. The five love languages are 1) words of affirmation 2) acts of service 3) receiving gifts 4) quality time and 5) personal touch. Understanding their love languages helps you know what you respond to as well as what makes your partner feel loved.

Do you and your partner need to rekindle your connection? If you’re a New York couple looking to reconnect, join us for our Better Together events -- relationship-enrichment workshops for married couples, baes and boos. Click here to find out more. 

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.

How Therapy Can Be More Than Talking

Today, more people are making psychotherapy a part of their self-care practice. In the same way they have personal trainers, they are investing in therapists -- and that’s a good thing. The benefits of therapy are vast, including having an objective perspective on happenings in your life, a sounding board for you to talk through options before taking action, a place where you can deepen self-awareness, access resources to support your growth and personal development, and much more. 

But you may cringe at the idea of being up in an office talking through your feelings, and I get it! Sometimes, the couch may not be what you need at the time. Sometimes, you simply need to get out and about or explore your experiences in ways where words alone won’t do. 

As a psychotherapist, I help clients get in touch with their emotions and change negative thinking and problematic behavior.  I’ll sometimes encourage writing, moving, drawing, getting sunshine and even deep breathing as a way to explore and express feelings, develop coping and relaxation strategies, support healthy relationships and manage conflicts. 

When it comes to therapy, talking it through isn’t the only solution. Here are ten ways to get off the couch and still find transformation and healing. While not all are therapy in the clinical sense, all can be therapeutic.

Move your body. 

Dancing around the kitchen to your favorite Beyoncé song can certainly be fun (been there, done that!), but there are many more benefits to moving than exercise and a good time. Dance and movement help you connect with your body and contribute to your brain’s health. Science shows that the mental benefits include improved memory and strengthened neural connections. Dance and movement therapy helps address issues such as poor self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress. In an article exploring dance and movement therapy in Scientific American magazine, Columbia University neuroscientist John Krakauer called synchronizing music and movement a “pleasure double play” because music stimulates the brain’s reward centers, while dance activates its “sensory and motor circuits.” To find a dance movement therapist, try the American Dance Therapy Association. 

Take a hike.

Because it tends to be a little bit more challenging than a casual stroll through the park, hiking can give you a cardiovascular boost as well. A Harvard University article noted that hiking -- especially on uneven terrain -- can engage your core and enhance your balance while relieving stress as well.  

Get artsy.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself creative, making art makes for potent therapy. A Michigan State University article describes the benefits of art therapy for people of all ages, suggesting that it helps “tap into your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences through creative expression.” When combined with talk therapy, the article explains, art therapy can “help people deal with strong emotions, increase self-awareness and self-worth and decrease stress and anxiety.” Art therapy can include drawing, painting, coloring, sculpting and more. To find an art therapist near you, visit the American Art Therapy Association’s therapist locator.

Go outside and play.

Go Green: Enjoy the benefits of green spaces. (Image: Nappy.co)

In New York City, we have the benefit of living and working among oases of green spaces. These beautiful parks -- including Manhattan’s sprawling Central Park -- were designed to provide relief and a sense of escape for the teeming masses living in close quarters and among dense buildings. Occasionally I’ve met clients in a park near my office, and the change in setting made a big difference in our dynamic and their mood. It’s not surprising: CNN recently cited a study of 20,000 people in England that showed that spending time in nature or green spaces can benefit your health and well-being. Even as little as 15 minutes in nature is said to help reduce stress and anxiety, boost happiness and help with memory loss. 

Sing a song.

You may not be America’s next idol, but belting out your favorite song, even if off-key, can often be a great stress reliever. Up the fun quotient and meet a few friends for karaoke, where you can vibe with the music and be silly without judgment. In that vein, music therapy -- engaging music to accomplish goals within a therapeutic relationship -- can be a powerful option to consider. And you don’t need a musical background to experience the benefits of music therapy: a certified music therapist will design a program that’s suited for you. Find a music therapist through the American Music Therapy Association at https://www.musictherapy.org/about/find/.

Get to the beach. 

Sight, sound, smell -- the ocean stimulates many of your senses and can help you to relax. This NBC news story explores the notion that simply lying on a towel on the beach and just listening to the sound of waves washing onto shore can soothe you. The article notes that a study in the American Association for the Advancement of Science found that even the ocean’s blue hue can boost your mood and enhance creativity. Skeptics might say that the beach is relaxing because we’ve been conditioned to think so, but if it works, it works!

Work it out. 

Get Moving! Boosting your heart rate helps you feel great!

We know that regular exercise benefits your body, but rigorous movement boosts your brain as well. Working up a sweat not only releases endorphins -- nature’s feel-good hormone (as in “runner’s high”) -- but it also promotes better memory and thinking skills. A good aerobic workout can include anything that gets your heart rate up -- from Zumba to bicycling to swimming to a 30-minute do-it-yourself boot camp in the comfort of your living room. 

Write it out.

Creative writing and poetry can act as a buffer, providing a safe distance to explore difficult or distressing parts of your life. Many people in creative endeavors swear by Morning Pages, a daily exercise that is the cornerstone of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, a guide to restoring or enhancing creativity.  You write longhand - nonstop and no edits - filling three pages. In her book The Soul of the Full Length Manuscript, novelist and expressive arts expert Zelda Lockhart encourages us to dive into detail “to express joy, complacency or satisfaction with as much fervor as we have learned in our lives to express pain.” Some therapists are specially trained to guide you in writing, offering prompts and excerpts to help you safely explore areas of your life and process the writing you produce. The International Federation for Biblio/Poetry Therapy lists credentialed professionals who can facilitate writing as therapy. 

Act it out.

Of course you want to have as little drama in your life as possible. But drama therapy can prove helpful as an alternative or addition to talk therapy. In drama therapy, you might use theater games, storytelling, and enactment to help cope with grief and loss, isolation and conflict. As the North American Drama Therapy Association  explains, drama therapy can also promote positive changes in mood, insight and empathy and facilitate healthy relationships. Check out their listing of drama therapists.

Breathe with intention. 

Breathing with thoughtful intention can promote calm and ease, cultivate mindfulness, and help you become more grounded and aware of bodily sensations. Breath is often overlooked, but is an important part of working through distressing experiences and making change. And whenever you exhale for longer than you inhale, you automatically engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which tells your body to rest, and counteract your sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your fight-or-flight response. Try this technique adapted from The Healing Power of the Breath by Drs. Richard P. Brown and Patricia L. Gerbarg: Slowly inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, slowly exhale for six counts, hold for two counts. Repeat a few times and note what you feel in your body.  

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com