In less than a month, our country will elect the next president – a historic decision that will affect all of our lives. And we may even elect the first female and first Black and Indian female to the highest office in the land. While this brings excitement for many, it also brings significant anxiety. 

In addition to disgust over the racist and misogynist rhetoric against Kamala Harris, there are also concerns for her safety on the campaign trail. Black women in particular are wary about potential Blacklash affecting them and their families. Regardless of your political affiliation or leanings in this election cycle, you may be experiencing some more general election-related anxiety. An election means change, which can cause uncertainty and stir political tensions in your family, workplace or community.

Being aware of the potential for this anxiety is key to coping with the feelings you and others may be experiencing. A recent Forbes survey found that more than 60% of respondents said that their mental health had either been slightly, moderately or significantly negatively impacted by the upcoming election. Women (63%) and younger adults were more likely to experience a negative impact, the survey found. Add rampant disinformation, barriers to voting and poll worker and voter intimidation this season to the deadly push to block the peaceful transfer of power in January 2021, and you have a potentially troubling brew.

Even if you don’t feel particularly stressed about politics right now, members of your family or community might. The 24-7 media coverage of the campaigns, debates and issues is a constant reminder of political strife and what’s at stake. Then there are our family members and neighbors. Conversations about politics with parents, siblings or children can get tense and lead to arguments. A neighbor’s lawn sign, flag or bumper sticker could make you see them in a new light, and remind you of the stark political divide. If you’re involved in community organizations or local politics, meetings or gatherings could get heated. All of this is a recipe for anxiety.  

Signs you might be affected by election-related stress include excessive worrying about the possible consequences, constant reading or talking about the election, physical signs like headaches, rapid heart rate or GI issues, or avoidance of the topic altogether. These feelings or behaviors may intensify as the election draws near and could get worse if Election Day is followed by the type of uncertainty and conflict that lasted for weeks during the 2020 cycle.

Ways to Cope with Election Stress and Anxiety

 Vote. Whether you feel fired up or ambivalent about your choices in this election, be sure to vote. Remember that many people fought, went to jail, and even died to gain the right to vote.  For African Americans and other people of color, that right is still under threat. So double check your voter registration status and polling location, and make a plan to vote. Plan what time of day you’ll vote, and what you’ll do if there’s a line. Consider voting early or by mail if those are options for you. Casting your ballot will restore a sense of control that can help ease anxiety.

Learn about the issues. Being informed can also help you feel a sense of agency. In the age of partisan information, choose some non-partisan sources, like the League of Women Voters, to learn more about key issues and your elected officials. Your local Secretary of State’s office website might also offer free nonpartisan voter information like sample ballots and voter information guides. 

Limit exposure to news. It’s one thing to be informed but another to spend hours compulsively scrolling for updates and checking social media. In an article I wrote about how to read the news without losing your peace of mind, I recommended picking a set time to consume news each day; double checking sources of news to make sure they’re accurate; balancing negative news by seeking positive stories; and practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques. 

Connect with like-minded folks. If you are passionate about a particular issue at stake in the election – like education, health care or civil rights – connect with a community of people who share your views. That might be a local organization, sorority, church committee or a social media group. Join one of the many Zoom calls and groups to hear what the needs are and how you can get involved. When people come together to solve a problem, they build community, and building community is a collective response to crises and a source of social support that alleviates anxiety. 

Approach conversations carefully. Choose wisely who you talk to and what you say. Acknowledge that it may be pointless to have a political debate with certain people. That doesn’t mean you have to shut them out, but consider whether they are capable of having civil discourse where you can both hear each other out. If not, don’t waste your time and energy, and talk about something else. Know that there’s a difference between having a discussion and trying to convince someone of your opinion. If you decide to engage in a political discussion, focus on listening, asking questions and being curious. Say things like, “Tell me more.” 

Also, know when to disengage. If someone grows belligerent, don’t hesitate to change the subject or end the conversation. ​​This is an act of boundary setting and can protect your sanity and energy.  

Taking these steps can help you manage anxiety, build resilience, and navigate life whatever the political outcome.

Even amid heartache, it’s possible to turn an ending into the chance for a new beginning

“Grief is a journey,” actor Regina King told Robin Roberts recently during a tender interview about the loss of King’s son, Ian Alexander, Jr., to suicide in 2022 at the age of 26. “I understand that grief is love that has no place to go." 

Those thoughtful words beautifully captured the difficulty of dealing with loss. The interview was widely viewed and shared in part because it was the first time the popular star had done a TV interview about losing her son. It was also notable because of the deep wisdom King expressed about moving through grief without losing her connection to her son. At the Oscars ceremony in March, she honored Ian by wearing a gown in his favorite color, orange. In the interview she used the term  "Ian-spirations" to refer to moments when she still feels his presence.

On Mothers Day, families will gather to celebrate their matriarchs or make calls to moms and bonus moms who live far away. For many, it will be a festive time. But others will experience sadness over the loss of a beloved parent. And still others, like King, who are mothers, will be reminded of a child who died too soon. If you find yourself struggling with feelings of loss, it’s okay to pause and acknowledge that as you also consider how to move through grief and move forward with your life without letting go of the memory of your loved one.

Black people are accustomed to loss. Our ancestors were ripped from their communities in Africa, creating deep wounds that have affected generations.

Black people are accustomed to loss. Our ancestors were ripped from their communities in Africa, creating deep wounds that have affected generations. During slavery, our families were often torn apart, never to see one another again. More recently, during the Great Migration, African Americans left family in the Jim Crow South to seek a better but uncertain life in the North and West. 

Today, we still often face the loss of loved ones or community members to police or gun violence. Black women are at higher risk of maternal mortality and infant mortality, making even the joy of pregnancy a precarious experience for us and our families. During the COVID pandemic, which affected our families disproportionately, we suffered loss of loved ones, jobs, homes and security. 

This history of loss has exposed us to generational trauma and the loneliness, depression and grief that can result. For some of us, the legacy of loss can show up as constant roaming, or difficulty in maintaining roots or feeling as if we fit in. Or our feelings can harden into anger, skepticism and an inability to be vulnerable and connect with others, which further deepens our sense of loss.  

Yet as a people, we have also survived and shown remarkable resilience. Despite loss, we continue to make a way out of no way.

Yet as a people, we have also survived and shown remarkable resilience. Despite loss, we continue to make a way out of no way. Social work experts Elmer P. Martin and Joanne Mitchell Martin developed a framework for Black people coping with loss that describes three concepts: moaning (Black pain and grief); mourning (a collective effort to overcome grief); and morning (a new beginning). 

Below, I will focus on the “morning” phase, or the sense of hope and faith that keeps us going. It’s tied to an African-centered principle celebrated during Kwanzaa – Kujichagulia, or self-determination – that is a key concept in a book that I am co-authoring about Black women and self-care in the face of racism. Consider these practices to help you through your grief:

Moving Through Loss

Practice gratitude. Research suggests that gratitude can help us experience more positive emotions, cope with adversity, and even improve our health and relationships. A simple way to make it a routine is to create a habit of writing down three things you are grateful for every day when you wake up or before you go to bed. The practice of writing about what you’re grateful for can help you reflect on and amplify positive moments.  

Connect with others. To avoid the isolation and loneliness that can come with loss, find a supportive group that can help you process your feelings. If you belong to a faith community, it might have such a group. A nonprofit called GriefShare is a resource for people seeking support with grief. Psychologytoday.com also provides a directory that includes support groups filtered by geographic location and issues, including grief. If you have a therapist, ask if they can refer you to a grief group. 

Embrace movement. Whether it’s dance, a walking routine or a yoga class, make a point to move your body every day. Going on a walking date with a girlfriend, partner or group can do wonders for your mind, body and spirit. Physical activity can help alleviate depression and grief by boosting your energy and feel-good hormones. Schedule time for movement like an appointment to ensure you do it regularly. 

Seek insight into mourning. Psychologist William Worden developed a framework for mourning that involves four tasks: accepting the reality of loss; experiencing the pain and grief; adjusting to the environment without your loved one; and finding an enduring connection while you embark on a new life. Regina King’s journey is an example of the fourth task in that she is embracing her life without her son, but keeping cherished moments and memories as a source of joy and strength. 

Another concept to consider is “ambiguous loss.” Coined by Pauline Boss, author of The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change, the term refers to loss that is unresolved and may be personal, communal or global. This type of loss could stem from a miscarriage, stigmatized behaviors like suicide or drug use, or loss of a relationship with a loved one because of of a condition like Alzheimer’s. In an interview Boss explains that death is inevitable but learning to cope with loss can lead to resilience.

Turn loss into lessons. Former journalist Kimberly Seals Allers responded to the high rate of maternal mortality among Black women by developing an app called Irth, which is “birth” without the “b” for bias. It offers prenatal, birthing, postpartum and pediatric reviews of care from other Black and brown women. Seals Allers founded the digital platform after experiencing disrespect during her first pregnancy and birth. “Countless studies point to the prevalence of racism and bias in provider care,” Seals Allers has about the need for Irth. “Yet Black and brown birthing people, who are disproportionately dying during and after childbirth within the hospital medical system, have no way of knowing how someone like them experienced a doctor or provider. We deserve a public platform to share with others where we are receiving good care.”

Another resource is the documentary “Aftershock,” which chronicles the experience of two families who suffered the loss of relatively young mothers who died because of pregnancy complications. This powerful film sheds light on the birth justice movement and encourages action.  

By practicing these ways of moving through loss, you can experience different ways of learning, healing and living, as I shared when I lost my mom in 2014. You can honor the person you lost and honor yourself with self-care. 

*** 

Stay tuned for an upcoming free writing-for-wellness session on using literature and lyrics to help cope with grief and loss. We’ll connect, create, reflect and share what keeps us grounded and helps us to heal. For more information, sign up for my newsletter here: 

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In recent months, a series of news stories focused attention on the plight of Black women in academia. First, Harvard’s former president, Claudine Gay, was publicly lambasted during a Congressional hearing about antisemitism on college campuses. Within weeks, she was forced out of her job. In January, news broke about the suicide of Antoinette “Bonnie” Candia-Bailey, vice president of student affairs at Lincoln University in Missouri. In an email sent the day she died, Candia-Bailey had told a friend that she suffered from harassment and bullying at work.

These events triggered alarm among Black women across the country. They led to organized webinars and forums, as well as informal conversations about how sisters in academia are under assault. During one panel that I attended, “Saving Ourselves, Saving Our Sistas,” a group of Black female panelists from academia talked about the need to invite mental health professionals into future discussions and shared their self-care routines. 

It’s no surprise that Black women are under assault – and it’s not just in academia. Many of us working in different sectors are suffering with workplace bullies or feeling isolated and alone while under institutional attack. From sisters in leadership level and in ivory towers, to Black women working at the post office or airline counters. These attacks are even more troubling because they coincide with the end of institutional programs designed to level the playing field, like affirmative action, or to provide support like diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) initiatives. 

The self-care that Black female experts have called for is important but may not be enough. The types of gatherings spurred by the loss of Candia-Bailey are another solution. They are examples of community care, which is a part of self-care. Community building is especially needed in our individualistic society, which is a source of our struggle. By forging alliances and actively building community, we can help to mitigate the isolation that so many of us feel.  

Consider ways to create community. Start by doing some self-reflection. You may want to write out answers to the following questions: 

• What kind of community would be helpful to me? 

• What would I need from that community and what can I contribute? 

• Who can I enlist to help or to co-create and share responsibility for the community I seek?

Here are some ways to build connection and community:

• Find your tribe. Gathering with others who have similar experiences, interests, and goals is an important part of building community. You could connect with women who share your racial, ethnic or cultural background. They could be working in your industry or in an area that is related to something you’re interested in. The idea is to build a support system where you share goals and values. Post an invitation on your social media and send an email, inviting like minds – trusted friends and colleagues – to join you at an appointed time and you could start meeting virtually. Have a loose agenda, focusing on why you are there. One goal could be to eventually share your worst experiences and biggest dreams. You could list possible topics like setting boundaries, responding to bullies, and getting rest to avoid burnout. Encourage one another to be brave while setting ground rules for confidentiality. Whoever has the mic gets to speak and the group can hold space for any individual who is struggling. An action could be gathering and sharing information and resources, and agreeing on ways to hold each other accountable. Plan to meet again and consider regularly scheduled meetings. Over time, you can collectively clarify the mission of your group.  

• Seek a workplace mentor or sponsor. A mentor is an individual who can give you guidance and coaching, while a sponsor takes their advocacy for you a step further by helping you to climb the ladder at your job or in your career. With either, it’s important to make sure your relationship is a two-way street, that you are thinking about and offering ways to be supportive to them, too. Your contribution to them could be through providing your perspective or time or talent should they need it. Keep in mind that our mentors don’t always have to be Black. Also, consider being a mentor to someone else. 

• Take action. Join organized groups that allow you to connect with others in ways that don’t involve work. For example, organizations like GirlTrek or Black Girls Run offer solidarity around taking care of your health through physical activity. Higher Heights for America is a political action committee that hosts virtual events and provides information about Black women running for office. Another option is to be more active in a group you already belong to, like by joining a committee within your sorority or house of worship. If you are not inclined to join an organization or committee, you could simply register with a group you support to receive information and potentially volunteer on a limited basis. However you choose to participate will help build connection around issues that interest you. 

• Reach out. Be intentional about staying in touch with friends, colleagues and associates – both new and old. Put it on your calendar like an appointment to ensure you will make a call or connect virtually with the people in your life. 

How celebrating our culture with a global lens can build resilience

To close out Black History Month, I’m focusing beyond our borders to highlight people and events in the wider African diaspora. A principle in my forthcoming book for Black women is global awareness and engagement. I believe global awareness is critical for our ability to heal and thrive in the world, especially in the face of racism. 

 One way to increase our awareness and experiences beyond the United States is to travel. Of course we are drawn to places where other Black people are and where we can indulge in cultural experiences and common personal interests. While we certainly should visit countries where we can relax and have fun, I want to encourage us to also use these opportunities to learn about the history, culture, and economies of places we visit.  

You don’t need to travel far to get a taste of different lifestyles and experiences. And you don’t have to blow your budget to do it. You can start by visiting an unfamiliar area in your home state or a neighboring state and being a tourist close to home before venturing further. 

 I recently had the opportunity to travel with family and friends to Europe. We spent most of our time in the Puglia region of Italy, which is known for its wonderful food and easy pace, as well as for its location on the map: in the “heel of the boot.” We adjusted to the local customs, eating our largest meal at lunchtime and having a light late-night dinner. We accompanied our innkeeper to town and shopped for one of our meals, picked herbs in the garden of the villa, and prepared a feast of homemade pasta, baked chicken, mozzarella, tomatoes and basil. Those of us who used the washing machine hung our clothes to dry as dryers are rare in much of the country. We ventured to the ancient town of Matera, where cave dwellings and churches are carved into the mountainside. We ate the freshest of foods and more gelato than I thought could be possible. And we walked. And walked. And walked.

 A hearty group of us ventured out most mornings around 7:30 to walk along a stretch of the ancient, unpaved road just outside our villa, Via Appia.  During one of our walks, we met an elderly Italian couple who were engaged in a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. They showed us their Italian guide book, which charted a path from Rome to Bari, on Italy’s southeastern coast.  From there pilgrims take a boat across the Adriatic Sea to Greece and then continue their walk. We later learned their pilgrimage was called Via Jerusalem, or Jerusalem Way. With help from Google translate, we were able to learn that they were walking along a path that was part of an experience for people interested in raising their spiritual awareness. I was fascinated by their journey; meeting them deepened my appreciation for the experiences of people in other parts of the world and for humanity as a whole. 

On the last morning of our stay, I ventured out on Via Appia for a solo walk. By the end of the week, the ancient dusty road was familiar and I felt a sense of peace and calm walking by myself. The late-summer sun was already high and the dew was dry. I began to wonder what it might have been like for my ancestors who might have traveled this same road. They might have been enslaved, as so many African ancestors were in all parts of the world. What might they think, seeing this modern group of Black travelers, venturing to this corner of the world, romping on the beaches, dining at the best restaurants, on their own volition, masters of themselves? Memories of those walks still brighten my heart and make me smile. 

 Whether you choose to travel to Black nations or those that are predominately White, it can be enlightening to think about the history of not just colonialism but also how Black people organized to liberate themselves and others. Throughout the Caribbean and Africa, there are rich histories of resistance and preservation of culture, language, and cuisines. Our ancestors were not just victims of colonialism but survivors who adapted and created and risked their lives to empower their people. Consider the Maroons, or African descendants of natives who escaped capture during the transatlantic slave trade to establish free societies in Jamaica and other parts of the Americas. 

 According to a recent report, by 2050, one in four people on the planet will be African. That’s an astounding statistic that reflects a seismic shift in population around the globe. Regardless of where you plan to travel next, take the time to do some research and find out about the experiences of Black and indigenous populations in your target destination. Where are the Black folks and how did they live? What contributions did they make to Latin America, Canada, the Middle East, and other parts of the globe? How are Black people living and transforming the cultures and economies today? 

While there are certainly stories of conflict and suffering in the world, you will also find expressions of deep pride and joy among Black people anywhere you visit. These global experiences can also serve as counterprogramming to all of the negativity about people of the African diaspora so commonly expressed in the West. 

Growing Your Global Awareness

In the book I am cowriting, I define global awareness and engagement as seeing the world through a Womanist lens. With openness and curiosity, Black women with a global mindset can work to understand a region’s culture, history, resources, economy, religions and challenges. Despite negative connotations associated with the idea of “globalism,” this broader perspective allows us to both see and respect other cultures and to secure our place at the table and in the world. I recommend the following ways to engage more deeply with the world, which will help promote our resilience and enhance mental health and well-being:

Start at home. Research the history of your town or city, particularly the lives and experiences of Black people. Your library and other cultural institutions like museums might offer insight. The website Historypin.org provides a forum for individuals to share photos and stories about their local communities. It includes a section about the Green Book, or a guide for African American road travelers during segregation. 

Expand your lens to the whole U.S. Our country is full of destinations with fascinating history. You could target major Black cultural institutions such as the National Museum of African American History and Culture in Washington, D.C., also known as the “Blacksonian”; the Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture in Harlem; or the Black History Museum and Cultural Center of Virginia, among several others. Consider states you have yet to visit and do your research. 

Tap Black-owned travel resources. Founded by Zim Ugochukwu, Travel Noire is digital media company serving millennials of the African Diaspora. It offers travel news, recommendations for first-time international travelers, city guides, and a newsletter. Other sources of travel inspiration and information include Single Parents Who Travel, founded by intrepid traveler, writer and former #Essence colleague Tomika Anderson. Another source of inspiration is National Geographic’s Explorer in Residence Tara Roberts who chronicled her journey with Black scuba divers searching for slave shipwrecks in the “Into the Depths” podcast. 

Connect. Whether you travel in the United States or abroad, take the time to do research about local history and culture online or through travel companies. Once you are at your destination, make a point of talking to locals, from cab drivers to small business owners. Ask them about their backgrounds and lives. What do they think of current leadership and what’s happening in politics? Where do they vacation and why? Be willing to share details about yourself, with humility and respect for others.

Bring it home. In addition to photos and souvenirs, bring home a piece of your travel experience. It could be a piece of art or a book by a local author. These mementos will keep the experience and your global awareness alive. You can also write about your travels – impressions, surprises, favorite moments – while the memories are fresh in your mind in a special travel journal or notebook. 

Wherever you go, take your curiosity and cultural humility with you, and consider how each trip transforms your awareness of not just others but also yourself.

We’re at the top of the new year, but we’re just months away from another national election. This one will be critical to many of the issues that are important to women, and Black women in particular. We all vote as individuals, but an election also presents the opportunity to build community and work with others to get our favored candidates – local, state, and federal – over the finish line.

As we consider what candidates have to offer in the way of leadership qualities like integrity, accountability, and competence, we should also be mindful of an often underrated leadership quality – especially in this era of divisive politics – collaboration, or joining forces to empower and uplift. 

As I will share in an upcoming book that I am coauthoring about Black women and resilience, leadership is about influencing and guiding others to achieve a goal or fulfill a mission. Leaders are not just the CEOs and directors in an organization – individuals at all levels can demonstrate leadership. A collaborative leadership style that invites and listens to the voices and perspectives of everyone in a group can result in more creative and impactful solutions. 

Collaboration is an essential part of leadership. It is a quality embodied in the concept of servant leadership. An internet search brings up many definitions of servant leadership in different sectors of society, including business, the military, and religious institutions. I like this definition from Delta Sigma Theta Sorority’s Union County Alumni Chapter in North Carolina: “Servant leadership inverts the power pyramid and puts you at the bottom and others at the top. We must change our leadership focus to empowering others.”  

The idea of servant leadership resonates with many African Americans because we embrace the African-centered values of community and leadership. We can apply the concept of servant leadership to our lives when we vote, and also to how we show up at work or in our communities. In our jobs or as volunteers, we can cultivate a collaborative spirit. That means letting go of the old idea that leadership has to be top-down and embracing the notion that you might have to build consensus and compromise to lead effectively.

Collaboration is not always valued in mainstream spaces. Our country is built on an individualistic ethos, the idea that only a single visionary leader can guide a team to success. But we can actually be stronger and more effective when we join forces. As organizations from the NAACP to the Urban League know, there are benefits to linking arms, making connections and showing strength in numbers.

The good news is we can all be collaborative leaders. To determine your leadership style, take the Leadership Compass Self-Assessment. This tool provides a way of thinking about working with others, understanding the value of different work styles, and learning the qualities we can develop to become better leaders. 

Cultivating the Collaborative Leader in You

Grab your journal to write and reflect about leadership. Give yourself 15 minutes to consider and explore the following:

1. Think of a leader who you admire. Name two or three qualities that you appreciate about how they connect, persuade and lead others.  

2. Which of those qualities do you embody and which ones would you like to cultivate? 

3. Imagine a situation where you see obstacles or roadblocks that keep you from leading in your career or your community. Then imagine those barriers were gone. Write about what you would do with nothing in your way.

Reflect: take a few minutes and read over what you wrote. Notice what feelings come up for you and where you feel them in your body. Consider any new action you might want to take as a result of your writing. And then write about that. 

As you explore how you want to show up as a leader, consider possible these action steps:

Volunteer to lead. Join a social-action oriented organization, or if you’re already in a group, raise your hand to lead a committee or take on solving a problem that the group faces.

Connect. Reach out to other organizations that do what you want to do in order to expand your reach.

Recognize good work in others. Foster collaboration by letting a colleague know that you see them and that what they’re doing matters. Send an appreciative email and copy higher ups, provide a letter or certificate of recognition, or simply buy them flowers. These acts of kindness foster collaboration by validating others in their efforts. It also makes them feel like they want to stay on your team.  

We are exploring collaboration and other principles in an upcoming virtual “Working While Black” series focused on leadership for Black women. Next sessions: authenticity on Feb. 21 and ditching doubts on March 6. For more information about future events, visit https://www.musegrace.com/ or get my newsletter here: http://eepurl.com/g9qkQ5. 

December has arrived and you may feel like you can’t wait for a much-needed break. It may seem like the end of a long year, with what’s happening in the world and in your own life. But before you look ahead to the holidays or the New Year, it’s worth taking a look back, too, at goals you set last January. Reflecting on your resolutions or vision board, are there some forgotten promises you made to yourself? What would it mean to tackle some – or even one – of them and finish your year strong?

We stand on the shoulders of those who, by word and deed, showed us the determination and stamina to finish what they started.

In a forthcoming book that I am co-writing about Black women and building resilience in the face of racism, we offer essential principles to live by and turn into regular practices. The concept of grit is one of the principles. Black women know grit well and we’ve observed it in our mothers, grandmothers, and aunties. We stand on the shoulders of those who, by word and deed, showed us the determination and stamina to finish what they started. As their daughters, we, in turn, stand on our convictions, empowered by passion and perseverance to get things done – whether that’s ushering our children successfully through to adulthood, operating our own business, or succeeding in a competitive career where few people look like us.

Take actress, entrepreneur and mental health advocate Taraji P. Henson as a model. After graduating from Howard University, she headed to L.A. with her young son in tow and just $750 in her purse with the goal of becoming an actress. She worked for years as a substitute teacher while auditioning for parts before landing the lead role of Yvette in the movie “Baby Boy.” That initial break was followed by her performances in “Hidden Figures” and TV’s “Empire” – a role in which she played the gritty character of former convict turned hip-hop mogul, Cookie Lyon. Several roles and acting awards later, she recently channeled her determination into creating the Boris L. Henson Foundation, a nonprofit that aims to eliminate stigma around mental illness.

A Black woman with grit is the one who speaks out at a meeting, giving voice to what others are thinking but may be too concerned about perception to say. She identifies goals and keeps her word – to herself and others – to achieve them. And then she rolls up her sleeves and digs in for the long haul. While Black women with grit are sometimes perceived as “angry,” or “aggressive,” we can honor our strength without being constrained by racist tropes intended to keep us silent and subservient. In fact, it is less stressful and more impactful when we demonstrate our fearlessness in ways that are clear and leave us smiling on the inside.

To finish 2023 strong, you can cultivate grit – the courage and resolve to achieve your goals. Rather than give up on a project or take no for an answer, you can rally your inner strength and tap into resources of support. Like a marathon runner who pushes through the most difficult part of the race – the last few miles – you can muster the determination to get across that finish line.

5 Ways to Cultivate Grit and Finish Strong

Focus. Identify an area of life that needs your attention. Is there an aspect that you’ve focused less on as you’ve been taking care of a family member or meeting work obligations? Or an area in which you feel unsatisfied or discontented? Recall what was important to you when you started the year and what you wanted to achieve, like changes in your work life, health, or a relationship. That could be a place to start. Find a way to shore up that area so you’re feeling balanced.

Decide what’s achievable. What can you do in the weeks that are left in the year? Triage what’s possible and what can wait. You may decide to table a particular goal for now. Part of having grit, and finishing strong, is being realistic about what you can accomplish once you target your energy and attention.

Encourage yourself. You may be tempted to beat yourself up for not meeting or getting farther along with your goals by now. Maybe you won't hit your goals by December 31, but you are on your way. Resist judging yourself and simply notice where you are and what you’re excited about. If you focus on accepting yourself, flaws and all, unconditionally, you can turn your energy away from self-criticism and toward behaviors or ways of thinking that you can change. This approach helps to cultivate grit. If you’re working toward a goal, even if it’s not achieved by the end of the year, you’re still finishing strong because you’re taking steps and dedicating your time and energy toward your aspirations.

Turn a “no” into a “yes!” Achieving a goal may involve removing barriers in your path. If a manager or member of your community has blocked your plan by saying no, consider what you need to turn that into a yes. The power of persuasion? Rallying others to your support? Having grit means not accepting no for an answer when something is important to you, but persevering and figuring out what you need to do to move forward.

Find inspiration. To help you stay on track, consider someone who has achieved what you aspire to, or someone who operates by a code that resonates with you. It could be a cousin, colleague or an icon, here or with the ancestors. Read about Black women who can serve as role models. Use their example as inspiration and motivation to keep going. Examples include Michelle Obama; the astrophysicist in Hidden Figures, Katherine Johnson; Serena Williams; Cicely Tyson; Queen Latifah; and Stacey Abrams.

Save the date: We will cover grit and other principles in an upcoming virtual “Working While Black” series focused on leadership for Black women starting Jan. 24, 2024. For more information future events, please visit my practice website www.musegrace.com or sign up for my newsletter by clicking here.

Each year as Thanksgiving approaches, we hear a lot about gratitude – expressing thankfulness for the food we will eat, our loved ones, our health. Our holiday rituals may have become routine and may even seem rote or superficial - especially against a backdrop of wars and distress in some parts of the world. The real history of Thanksgiving may also affect how we feel about this tradition.

Yet the concept of gratitude has value beyond one day or one month during the year. The holiday gives us the opportunity to think about gratitude as a mindset and a practice – a form of self-care. When we are genuinely grateful we are recognizing and acknowledging what we have instead of what we lack and demonstrating appreciation for all the good in our lives. Think of gratitude is a wellness practice that builds our resilience.

Research on gratitude suggests it can make us feel more positive emotions, help us cope with adversity, and even improve our health and relationships. In one study, people who wrote a few sentences each week about things they were grateful for were more optimistic and had fewer doctor visits after 10 weeks than those who wrote about daily irritations. Another study found that participants who wrote and delivered letters of gratitude to people who had been kind to them reported greater happiness. The benefits of these gratitude letters lasted a month.

Let me be clear: By gratitude, I don’t mean being thankful for what you’ve rightfully earned. Black people are often told we should appreciate the fact that we have an opportunity or job even if we don’t feel valued or respected by peers or managers. We don’t have to accept mistreatment or be happy just to have a seat at the table.

So what does it mean to cultivate a genuine sense of gratitude? It could take the form of simple rituals like saying grace before meals but does not have to center around food as Thanksgiving does. Those of us who pray or meditate regularly are practicing gratitude and know the benefits. I suggest that gratitude also means embracing the idea of giving thanks even when it’s hard. Consider these ways to 

Your Gratitude Practice

Write about it. The act of writing slows us down and allows us to be more intentional about our gratitude. To memorialize what you are thankful for, you can try a succinct description in the form of a six-word memoir. In just six words, describe an experience or a person that you are grateful for. For example, “Hugs, love, warmth: thankful for family.” Now grab your journal and see what you come up with.

Compose a thank you note. You can write a thank you to someone who has done you a kindness. In this era of electronic texts and emails, taking the time to put pen to paper can be rewarding for both you and the recipient. If you’re not sure what to say, try completing one or more of these sentence stems below that acknowledge specific behavior and specific impact.

I’m so happy that you ___________ (person’s specific action)

I appreciate that you _____________ (specific action)

Thank you for _____________ (specific action)

You helped me ______________ (how their action supported you)

Make it a habit. There are dozens of free gratitude apps you can download on your phone to help make your gratitude practice easy to remember and engage in regularly. Some apps encourage making quick lists of things you are thankful for, some offer affirmations, and still others offer opportunities for deeper reflection through less structured writing. Some apps incorporate spirituality and faith. Try one or two of them to see what suits you. If an app isn’t your style, pick up a decorative gratitude journal from a stationary store. 

Notice the natural world. Take a walk in your neighborhood or visit your favorite nature spot and use your senses to notice the wonders around you. If you are in a park, for example, tune into what you see, smell, hear, and feel. What colors do you see in the leaves? What fragrance is in the air? Can you hear birds chirping or water running? Does the air feel cool or crisp? Do you feel the warmth of the sun? Try to zero in on what you appreciate about your natural surroundings.

Create a gratitude jar. You can do this with any container like a Mason jar, small bowl or box. You can decorate it with a colorful label or ribbon or just keep it simple. On a slip of paper or post-it note, jot down what you are grateful for in a few words or even with a doodle or drawing. Examples might include “Unexpected call from an old friend,” “My helpful neighbor/coworker” or “A beautiful sunset.” It can be anything that makes you feel good. Drop the paper in the jar and repeat daily, weekly or monthly. When the jar fills up or when you’re simply having a rough day, remove a few slips of paper and read them to remind yourself of all the good things you’ve experienced. 

Common Signs and 5 Ways to Put Yourself First

Imagine this:  At work, you are “volun-told” to serve on a social justice committee. While you like the idea of being involved, your plate is full and you know it will not help you in terms of performance reviews or advancement. But ultimately, you say yes, and grudgingly add committee meetings to your calendar.

Or there’s this: A micromanaging relative calls and says she is planning to visit you for the holidays. You were planning a quiet holiday with your nuclear family. But you don’t want to insult or disappoint so you acquiesce and your Thanksgiving becomes her Thanksgiving. 

If one or both of these situations sound familiar, you may be a people pleaser. Instead of saying no to things you really don’t want to do, you say yes and silently seethe about it. It seems easier to maintain the peace but you’re often left feeling resentful and drained.

While it’s reasonable to want to be a team player at work or be responsive to family members, you have to do anything at your own expense. People pleasers say yes in part because they worry about what others think about them and don’t want to ruffle feathers. They may even get overly involved in the problems of others and try to fix everything. For that reason, they become the go-to person at work or in the family despite being exhausted and overwhelmed.

How does one become a people pleaser? Most likely, it is learned behavior from childhood. If you grew up in a family where you were not allowed a voice, you may have learned to stay quiet to avoid hard consequences. If your household was full of chaos, you may have tried to be the peacekeeper or simply retreated to your room.

If you grew up with a sibling or other relative who had emotional or physical challenges, you may have been a caregiver. Or you may have had a needy parent who expected you to take care of them rather than the other way around. Those survival skills you learned years ago may have become your default in adulthood. 

Think back to how you responded when there was conflict at home. What did you feel and where did you feel it in your body? Conflict today can bring up those same feelings from years ago.

Beyond your family, if you experienced racism early or later in life, you may have also learned to people-please by suppressing your identity in the presence of White people. You might code switch at work or tolerate microaggressions just to fit in.

To help determine if you’re a people pleaser, consider these questions:

• Do I often replay in my head a conversation or interaction and regret not speaking up or saying something different?

• Do I feel afraid to disappoint in certain situations, like I did when I was a child?

• Do I feel guilty when I say no?

• Am I usually last on my list of priorities?

• If your answer is yes to one or more questions, consider ways to check your people-pleasing behavior.

5 Steps to Pleasing You

Get comfortable with ‘no.’ Saying “No” is not always easy. When you want to say no to a request or invitation, think about what comes up in your body. Practice tolerating that discomfort by taking a deep breath. Recognize that you may not have been given permission to say no as a child, but you can do so today as an adult. Practice saying some go-to phrases such as “Unfortunately, I can’t…,” “I’m going to pass on this…,” “Thanks but that’s not going to work for me,” or simply, “No, I’m not able to…”

Set other boundaries. A boundary is a limit or standard you establish to protect yourself. There are different kinds of boundaries -- physical boundaries, time boundaries, financial boundaries, and emotional, sexual and spiritual boundaries. Take time to identify areas in your life where you might need to create and enforce boundaries. For example, not responding to work calls or emails after hours is a boundary. Not lending money (again) to that relative who is always broke is a boundary. Saying to a partner or friend who slights you, “You can’t speak to me that way,” or “That hurt me” is a boundary.

Center yourself. You may believe that it’s selfish to put your needs first. You may be in the habit of going out of your way to help others, but it may not actually be in your self-interest. Think about what it means to truly center yourself instead. Ask yourself: How does this make me feel? What do I want to do or to happen? It can feel strange for a people pleaser to ask these questions when you’re often focused on what others feel and what they want. But centering yourself is the first step toward empowering yourself. 

Remember your values. It’s important to be clear about your priorities and what matters most to you, and make sure that anything you are asked to do is in keeping with those values. If an action would cause you to go against your values, you need to reject it. I like this simple exercise that helps you to clarify what your values are. Your values are a roadmap to help you navigate thorny issues or questions. You need to know in order to stand by them. 

Get extra support. This issue is quite common. If you struggle with saying no or people-pleasing causes you distress, consider getting support. You can find a local mental health provider by searching Therapy for Black Girls, Therapy for Black Men, Clinicians of Color or Psychology Today’s directory.

Save the date: We will cover people pleasing and other critical issues in an upcoming virtual “Working While Black,”  series focused on leadership for Black women in January 2024. For more information on this and future events, please visit my website https://www.musegrace.com/ or sign up for my newsletter: http://eepurl.com/g9qkQ5.

Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work. 

“I can’t find time for self-care.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start…”

“I feel selfish even talking about it.”

These are some of the things we might tell ourselves or hear from others when the topic of self-care comes up. But not taking good care of ourselves can leave us feeling unmotivated and burned out. 

Take vacations, for example. Too few of us take time off, even when we’ve earned it. Americans are half as likely to take vacation in any given week today than we did 40 years ago, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Compared with other races, Black folks were the least likely to have taken a vacation in 2018-2022. 

That’s true despite the fact that many of us reconsidered the way we worked as the pandemic transformed our relationships to work. The “Great Resignation” appears to be over and many in-office workers have returned to their desks. But our habit of not taking vacations predates the pandemic and may speak to the larger phenomenon of lack of self-care.

Self-care is not a destination but a journey. 

What is self-care? It’s defined by the World Health Organization as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker.” But I believe it’s broader than that: Self-care is what you do every day to take care of your  whole self; to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually well. Self-care is not a destination but a journey.

This may be a foreign concept to many Black women. We’ve been told our whole lives we need to “work twice as hard to get half as far” and to be recognized for our contributions. We may also have had few role models of self-care among our immediate family members, elders and ancestors who had to toil long hours or work multiple jobs to support their families. We may not feel we have the time or resources to “indulge” in self-care. We may even think that self-care is selfish and feel guilty about centering our needs. Self-care is a practice that we have to learn and intentionally take steps to incorporate into our lives.

If you don’t take all of your paid vacation, or regularly take work home with you, that’s one sign you may be neglecting self-care. But work is only one measure. Feeling overly stressed even when you are away from work could be another. Being in poor mental or physical health could also be a signal that you need to shift the balance of giving your time and energy to others and give more to yourself.

Take a moment to check in with yourself with a self-care assessment tool [https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/self-care-assessment.pdf]. Follow the instructions to explore how often and how well you are taking care of yourself. Then spend some time reviewing your responses and take note of any patterns. Consider the results and reflect on your assessment in a journal. Answer these questions: 

What surprises me most about my results is _______________?

What area of self-care needs the most attention, and why? 

What action would I like to take to improve my self-care starting now?

For more ways to improve your self-care, here are seven ways to practice it. 

7 Steps to Better Self-Care

Set and enforce boundaries. You can set boundaries at work by closing your office door when you need privacy, asking colleagues to schedule appointments to meet with you rather than dropping by, and by not checking email after work hours. With family or friends, you can simply not answer the phone readily or take your time responding to a text. You can even block people who are unhealthy for you.

Just say no. No, period, is the clearest boundary of all. If you really don’t have time for that new work committee or don’t want to attend an event, don’t hesitate to say no. We all have limits and need to protect our time and sanity in order to say yes to the things we really want and have the time and energy to do. 

Sleep tight. But sleep is really essential to our well-being, but about a third of us don’t get the recommended seven hours of sleep at night. Without it, we can feel drowsy during the day, have mood swings, become forgetful and have a hard time focusing on tasks. To get better sleep, maintain a consistent sleep schedule: develop a bedtime routine that excludes electronic devices and includes some time with a good book or journaling, and make your bedroom a sanctuary that is quiet and cozy. 

Plan – and take – time off. In addition to summer or holiday vacations, be sure to take personal days and long weekends throughout the year. You earn your paid time off—use it! Time off allows you to relax and recharge. If your budget doesn’t cover travel right now, consider staycations that include day trips to local parks, botanical gardens or other recreational areas.

Be physically active. Take short walks during the day if you don’t have time for a longer routine. Or invite a family member or friend to engage in an activity together – a class, regular hikes, or a new sport like pickleball. Exercise is essential to your health and can boost your mood.  

Connect with others. Getting together with friends or neighbors can reduce isolation and deepen bonds between you and others. Make a date with a girlfriend for brunch or a walk-and-talk, or to visit a museum or see a play. Read my recent piece on connecting for more ideas of ways to beat loneliness.

Indulge in a hobby or two. Remember the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Things that made you forget what time it was and completely absorbed your attention? Find a way to generate that wonder and excitement – perhaps by taking a cooking or art class, doing jigsaw or crossword puzzles, or starting a garden or scrapbook. Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work.   

Cultivate your spirituality. Whether you go to church, meditate or read inspirational books, give yourself the time and space to regularly engage in a spiritual practice. Research suggests that spirituality is linked to less depression and greater longevity. 

What’s a major health problem affecting half of all adults in the United States today? You may be surprised to hear that it’s not a disease but rather an epidemic of loneliness.

This spring, the nation’s top doc, the Surgeon General, released an advisory about the crisis of loneliness. In conversations with people around the country, he found that loneliness was very common: One in two adults reported experiencing it in recent years, even before the pandemic. This isolation from others can harm not only our mental health but our physical well-being as well, raising the risk of anxiety, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

The solution to this widespread problem is social connection. It is a principle I explore in my forthcoming book about Black women and mental health. From infancy, we crave connection with someone mirroring us and engaging us emotionally – first our parents, then others in our environment. When we don’t have consistent and deep connections as children, it affects how we relate to others as adults. Attachment theory holds that lack of connection in childhood has consequences for our relationships later in life: we may become too clingy or avoidant, pushing people away.    

Human beings need secure attachments to others to survive and to thrive. While our society encourages individualism and competition, these values are not what we need most. As author Yuval Noah Harari has said “Evolution can no longer be held by the idea of ‘survival of the fittest;’ it is more appropriately ‘survival of the most connected.’”

As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival.

This concept is not new to Black people. We hail from a collectivist culture that recognizes the link between individual wellness and community. As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival. That’s why our cultural celebrations like Kwanzaa celebrate unity and coming together for the common good.

We know this intuitively. We are biologically wired to bond with other human beings, individually to a partner, sisterfriend or child, and also communally to groups and community. Our connections are where we seek communal experiences; where we can find a common place/space between ourselves and others that help us feel whole. There are steps you can take to cultivate more meaningful and enriching connections in your life. 

Six Ways to Create or Deepen Our Connections

Plan a gathering or getaway. In addition to routine get-togethers or vacations, organize an experience with an individual or group you want to build a stronger connection with. This could be with a new friend or coworker. A game night, potluck, day trip, or regular walking dates with a girlfriend could be just what you need to deepen the bond between you and even start a new tradition. 

Touch base regularly. Be intentional about reaching out to a family member or friend at least once a week. Make it an appointment in your calendar. Go through your address book and respond to any connections that resonate with or speak to you. Don’t just text; visit in person or make a call. Include someone with whom you lost contact and would like to reconnect.

Write a letter or card. Old-school and languid letter writing has been overshadowed by rapid-fire emails and text messages. Research shows that expressing fondness and admiration can help to improve your relationships. Take the time to write a letter to a friend or relative you seldom see. Share a good memory and perhaps something you miss about them, and ask about how they’re doing. For special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, forgo the digital card and write a genuine, detailed message.  

Have sit-down meals. If you don’t already sit around the table to eat meals with your family, start doing it now. Plan to have dinner together once a week or a Sunday brunch. Encourage children and teens to do it even when they don’t want to: do your part to model connecting. Decide on the menu and cook together. Turn off the TV, tuck away devices, and deeply engage each other.

Practice being present. Whenever you connect with others, make a conscious effort to be fully focused. Turn off or put away your phone and agree that everyone will ignore technology during your time together. If you find your mind drifting to your to-do list or some worry, notice it and bring yourself back to the moment at hand by tuning into the person in front of you – how they look, sound, and move. Think about what you appreciate most about them, and notice how you feel when you do so.

Get involved. Forge new connections by joining an organization or movement that aligns with your values. GirlTrek is a perfect example: it brings Black women together for physical activity and cultural connection. Like to read? Start a book club with friends or neighbors. You can also volunteer with your church or a local nonprofit organization that speaks to your passions. See a problem in your community? Brainstorm how to join with others to fix it. VolunteerMatch or Greatnonprofits.org might spark some ideas.

Investing time and effort to cultivate and nurture your connections regularly will help you avoid the crisis of loneliness and enrich your life and relationships.

Join us for the next cohort of S.W.E.L.L. (Single Women Embracing Life and Love), starting Wednesday Sept. 27. It’s an 8-week virtual support circle for single women. We’ll use literature and lyrics to explore topics like self-love, boundaries, and putting your best self forward in relationships. Registration is required: Visit https://www.musegrace.com/swell for more information.