Every February, Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder to let our romantic partners know we care about them and just how important they are to us. We might pick up a corny greeting card, box of chocolates, or plan a special dinner date out. But what if we took it a step further and used this opportunity to be more intentional and make a commitment to deepen our relationship? 

Even if you are content with your partnership, you can easily fall into routines or patterns and let your relationship coast on auto-pilot. If you have children or demanding jobs, finding quality time to spend together can be especially hard. Sex may be good but infrequent at best. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, it’s worth the effort to make your relationship just that much juicier.

How to get started? Experts at the Gottman Institute have spent decades studying married couples to uncover the secrets to happy, healthy relationships. They use the metaphor of a “Sound Relationship House” to describe scientifically proven foundational building blocks for sturdy, lasting bonds. I’d like to focus on three of the principles they have identified that you can adopt to strengthen your relationship starting today.

The following are tried-and-true ways to reconnect with your partner and keep the passion of your relationship alive and thriving.

Express Fondness and Appreciation. Yes, you love and respect your partner, but how often do you let them know? Don’t assume they can read your mind or that they already know. They need to hear it. If your partner always takes responsibility for certain chores or fixing things around the house, acknowledge that by saying something like: “I really appreciate how you ______ (fill in the specific act that they do). I love how you take care of us.” Maybe your boo volunteers or makes a point of donating time or money to those in need. You could say, “I really admire how you look out for our community.” 

The point is to identify what you appreciate about your partner and vocalize it, connecting the behavior to its impact on you and others. You could make a goal of expressing your fondness at least once per day. This practice will not only make your partner feel good, it keeps you focused on the positive, which can help sustain your partnership in times of conflict or stress. 

Turn Toward. Your partner might reach out for attention or comfort, verbally or through unspoken body language. For example, they might unexpectedly grab your hand or share a detail about their day. That is what the Gottmans refer to as a “bid” for connection or support. It’s key to stay tuned to those bids and to turn toward your partner in response, i.e., receive and squeeze their hand or say something like, “Really? Tell me more about that.” 

When you make the commitment to turn toward your partner rather than ignore their signals or reject them, you communicate that you are open and receptive to their needs. If your partner tells you about something that happened to them at work or about a goal they reached, it’s time to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full, undivided attention. You can reinforce this by physically turning toward your partner and making eye contact. Here’s your opportunity to listen and make your loved one know you hear them. If your partner is troubled, you can validate their feelings by saying, “That sounds hard” or “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated by what happened.” No need to solve the problem; just empathize. This habit will encourage your partner to respond in kind when you are seeking support or acknowledgement. 

Positive Regard. Expressing fondness and turning toward your partner are building blocks of positive regard. By deciding to accentuate the positive about your partner, you focus your attention on their good qualities and contributions to the relationship rather than on the negative. It’s easy to notice what they didn’t do or to criticize this thing or that, but a negative perspective only undermines your bond. While as human beings, we may be wired to look for what’s wrong to protect ourselves, we can’t let that tendency drown out the good. 

Developing positive regard for your partner is not a passive step but an active effort. What do you appreciate and admire most about your partner? Make a point of bringing those characteristics or behaviors into focus. Let the small stuff slide and give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake. This principle will fill the well of positivity that you can rely on when conflicts arise. It can also create a culture of positivity in the relationship that benefits you too.

These principles may seem deceptively simple but they are effective techniques for building strong, lasting relationships. I often assign clients homework of expressing positive regard at least once a day, and we can quickly see how that creates a shift in their behavior and feelings toward each other. Put them into practice in addition to buying that box of chocolates (dark chocolate, please). 

If you and your partner are interested in learning three powerful ways to make love last, attend my upcoming workshop, "Heartsongs" for couples only on February 25th. We'll use literature and lyrics to help you deepen your intimacy, connect with compassion and more.

Imagine this scenario: You are at work one day and receive an email announcing that a colleague (who joined the organization later than you) was promoted above you or received a key assignment you were hoping for. Like a team player, you congratulate your coworker, but you quietly seethe about the lost opportunity. 

What did you do wrong? Why weren’t you the one to receive that raise or plum project? These are questions you may have, but might never ask out loud.

This may be a familiar experience. And it’s a lesson, too. As Black women, we are often on the front lines for social justice and quick to speak up for others. But when it comes to our personal needs, some of us might be reluctant to rally for ourselves. Self-advocacy is an important life skill that you need to create the life you want and deserve.

You may not have adopted self-advocacy growing up if your parents didn’t allow you to have a voice in the home, or if you never witnessed it in practice because they didn’t know how to advocate for themselves in a hostile world. Without the ability to identify what you want and ask for it unapologetically, you may have allowed others to take advantage or walk all over you.

But it’s never too late to learn self-advocacy and the ability to speak up for what matters to you. You have responsibilities, such as putting in the work, but you also have rights – including the right to be heard and treated equally.

What Stops You from Speaking Up?

I often explore this issue in my therapy practice. Some clients don’t self-advocate because they fear rejection or an angry response if they do stand up for themselves. That is the case at work as well as in relationships, where women often wait and wait for a partner to take the next step out of fear of losing them if they ask for what they want. 

Another barrier to self-advocacy might be settling for another person’s vision of who you are. Just because a boss doesn’t see you in a leadership position or doesn’t recognize your contributions doesn’t mean you have to accept their perspective.

Racism and sexism may also be factors. If you consciously or unconsciously assumed that a certain opportunity would never be open to a woman or a person of color, you might never go for it. The experience of bias or microaggressions might also cause you to hold back. 

Becoming Your Own Advocate

Learning to speak up for yourself can seem daunting. But you can do it with some internal examination and these steps:

Clarify Your Values. To practice self-advocacy, you need to first identify what you value, whether that’s in a career or in a relationship. What matters to you most in this situation?  What do you need? Try this exercise to help you discover your core values and write them down.

Find the Right Time. Once you are clear about your values, like any new skill, self-advocacy takes planning. If you want to ask for a promotion or new title to match your growing responsibilities, think through who you will ask, where and when. Your next one-on-one meeting or an annual review might be the ideal opportunity. 

Make Your Case. Prepare your argument: What contributions have you made that warrant the new position? If you can quantify how you’ve improved the bottom line or cite examples of achievements, it will build your confidence and increase the likelihood you’ll be heard. 

Get Feedback. Ask a mentor, friend, career coach or therapist to role-play with you and provide feedback. Even making the ask of an empty chair can have benefits. 

Plan for Plan B. Finally, decide what you will do if the answer is no. It may be enough for you to have stated what you want. But if it’s not, consider asking your boss what you need to do to earn the promotion or raise. Do you need to receive additional training? Or volunteer for a high-profile project? Or you might simply decide it’s time to dust off your resume and to move on.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the process of self-advocacy is the same: zero in on what you value and want, practice the conversation you will have, and consider what you’ll do if your partner doesn’t respond the way you hoped. By asking for a commitment, you might get it. But if you are disappointed, you’ll walk away with a stronger sense of who you are and what you need to be happy.

Whatever happens at work or in life, standing up for your values will give you a greater sense of agency and strength in knowing you are responsible for your life.