We’re at the top of the new year, but we’re just months away from another national election. This one will be critical to many of the issues that are important to women, and Black women in particular. We all vote as individuals, but an election also presents the opportunity to build community and work with others to get our favored candidates – local, state, and federal – over the finish line.

As we consider what candidates have to offer in the way of leadership qualities like integrity, accountability, and competence, we should also be mindful of an often underrated leadership quality – especially in this era of divisive politics – collaboration, or joining forces to empower and uplift. 

As I will share in an upcoming book that I am coauthoring about Black women and resilience, leadership is about influencing and guiding others to achieve a goal or fulfill a mission. Leaders are not just the CEOs and directors in an organization – individuals at all levels can demonstrate leadership. A collaborative leadership style that invites and listens to the voices and perspectives of everyone in a group can result in more creative and impactful solutions. 

Collaboration is an essential part of leadership. It is a quality embodied in the concept of servant leadership. An internet search brings up many definitions of servant leadership in different sectors of society, including business, the military, and religious institutions. I like this definition from Delta Sigma Theta Sorority’s Union County Alumni Chapter in North Carolina: “Servant leadership inverts the power pyramid and puts you at the bottom and others at the top. We must change our leadership focus to empowering others.”  

The idea of servant leadership resonates with many African Americans because we embrace the African-centered values of community and leadership. We can apply the concept of servant leadership to our lives when we vote, and also to how we show up at work or in our communities. In our jobs or as volunteers, we can cultivate a collaborative spirit. That means letting go of the old idea that leadership has to be top-down and embracing the notion that you might have to build consensus and compromise to lead effectively.

Collaboration is not always valued in mainstream spaces. Our country is built on an individualistic ethos, the idea that only a single visionary leader can guide a team to success. But we can actually be stronger and more effective when we join forces. As organizations from the NAACP to the Urban League know, there are benefits to linking arms, making connections and showing strength in numbers.

The good news is we can all be collaborative leaders. To determine your leadership style, take the Leadership Compass Self-Assessment. This tool provides a way of thinking about working with others, understanding the value of different work styles, and learning the qualities we can develop to become better leaders. 

Cultivating the Collaborative Leader in You

Grab your journal to write and reflect about leadership. Give yourself 15 minutes to consider and explore the following:

1. Think of a leader who you admire. Name two or three qualities that you appreciate about how they connect, persuade and lead others.  

2. Which of those qualities do you embody and which ones would you like to cultivate? 

3. Imagine a situation where you see obstacles or roadblocks that keep you from leading in your career or your community. Then imagine those barriers were gone. Write about what you would do with nothing in your way.

Reflect: take a few minutes and read over what you wrote. Notice what feelings come up for you and where you feel them in your body. Consider any new action you might want to take as a result of your writing. And then write about that. 

As you explore how you want to show up as a leader, consider possible these action steps:

Volunteer to lead. Join a social-action oriented organization, or if you’re already in a group, raise your hand to lead a committee or take on solving a problem that the group faces.

Connect. Reach out to other organizations that do what you want to do in order to expand your reach.

Recognize good work in others. Foster collaboration by letting a colleague know that you see them and that what they’re doing matters. Send an appreciative email and copy higher ups, provide a letter or certificate of recognition, or simply buy them flowers. These acts of kindness foster collaboration by validating others in their efforts. It also makes them feel like they want to stay on your team.  

We are exploring collaboration and other principles in an upcoming virtual “Working While Black” series focused on leadership for Black women. Next sessions: authenticity on Feb. 21 and ditching doubts on March 6. For more information about future events, visit https://www.musegrace.com/ or get my newsletter here: http://eepurl.com/g9qkQ5. 

When the political correspondent Abby Phillip posed a tough question to the former president at the White House in 2018, and he responded with “What a stupid question,” Phillip did not falter or shrink. The Black female reporter exhibited what I call grace, remaining composed and focused on her job, in the face of stunning rudeness. It would not be the only time the Harvard grad demonstrated such poise, but it was a defining moment. 

Similarly, in 2021 when Sheryl Underwood of The Talk confronted her co-host Sharon Osbourne about the topic of racism, she remained calm and respectful as Osbourne got increasingly agitated and defensive. Even after Osbourne told Underwood, on air, to withhold her own emotions, Underwood remained calm, present and willing to listen under duress, allowing space for her friend and co-host to share her feelings about an issue that wasn’t about her, but that she seemed to take personally. In this example, Underwood, known more for her caustic persona, displayed remarkable self-control, patience, dignity and grace. 

In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being.

Grace. It is a quality we know when we see, hear and experience it. It means different things to different people and has a specific religious significance in the sense of being in God’s favor. But the behavior that Phillip and Underwood displayed under pressure is a form of grace that all Black women could benefit from cultivating within ourselves. In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being. As Black women, we have times when we may be justified in wanting to go off. We can and should still stand up for ourselves, and it’s grace that will keep us grounded, balanced and – in the long run – well. 

Why does grace matter? If we responded to every instance of racism and sexism with anger or defensiveness, we would be at the mercy of the ignorance of others, which would harm our mental and physical health. Research has shown that even perceived discrimination is a factor in chronic stress-related health disparities, including hypertension and diabetes in African Americans. Grace may be one effective remedy for coping with and healing from the racism we routinely face.

Dignity, thoughtfulness, and considerateness are other words associated with grace. Ease of movement, like a ballet dancer, as well. To grow in our gracefulness, we need to be self-aware and practice grace in how we show up in the world every day. It also means showing grace to ourselves.

Here are some simple and profound ways to cultivate and manifest grace in your daily life:

Use Affirmations as Reminders. Brainstorm simple statements you can repeat to yourself in moments when you could use a little grace. Examples include:

“When ____ happens, I remind myself that I am _____.” 

“In hard times I lean into my _______.” 

“I speak up when I see ________.” 

Use colorful pencils or pens to write all your affirmations on one page, or each on its own page. Frame and display your words as reminders of your capacity for grace. 

Laugh a Little. Humor can also help us to build grace. Can you think of a time when you temporarily lost it over a minor issue and realized later with hindsight that you overreacted? Try to bring that big-picture perspective to moments that might call for grace. Can you laugh at the small stuff? You can often find humor in the little mistakes and mishaps of life.

Let It Go. Is there someone in your life you hold a grudge toward? Who you haven’t spoken to in years? Maybe it’s time to forgive them; or, to forgive the most important person – yourself. If you can’t get to forgiveness, what would it mean for you to get to a place of resolve? In this way, you decide that you’re not going to carry the hurt forward. Sometimes letting go of old hurts can be healing and expand your capacity for grace. 

Relax Your Expectations. As Black women, we often demand a lot of ourselves, and others, too. But expecting perfection can cause unnecessary stress. Know when you’ve done good enough and reward yourself. Acknowledge when your partner or children might be doing the best that they can – even if you think they could do better. Express your appreciation for yourself and the people you care about every day.

Speak Gently. We are often stereotyped as being “angry” – yelling and swiveling our necks when tested. Yet that is not who we need to be. Like Underwood, we can be intentional about our tone and words in even the most trying situations. 

To help manage your behavior in response to difficult experiences, use “opposite action” a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy technique for emotional regulation. For example, if you’re so upset you want to scream at somebody, take a deep breath and speak in a low and measured voice. This technique calls for you to practice mindfulness – to be more aware of your emotional and physical responses.

Show Grace to Receive Grace. Say “thank you” more often. Smile, and notice the shift in your mood. Give what you can to people in need. Don’t expect anything in return but know that your generosity is a model for others and contributes to more grace in the world. 

Finally, to expand your sense of grace, consider the poem by former National Poet Laureate Elizabeth Alexander, "Praise Song for the Day," created for the first inauguration of President Barack Obama in 2009. Written for a momentous occasion, it reflects grace in the everyday way we overcome challenges in our lives – ordinary people doing extraordinary things – as well as in our shared and individual histories. With elegance and plain-spokenness, it encourages us to consider our capacity to move forward with hope. Here’s my favorite passage:

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,

the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Read the full poem, Praise Song for the Day, and reflect on what it says about grace to you.