Resolution reset:

Drop the emotional baggage and let go of things that no longer serve you.

We are already ankle-deep into 2020, and at this point, some resolutions may be roadkill and you may need to revise or recommit to your goals. Many of us aspire to start fresh and establish healthy habits at the top of a new year -- our vision boards abound with exciting new adventures and attitude. But in order to succeed, we may need to break bad habits too. Think about it: What are some habits, beliefs, behaviors -- and maybe even people -- that don’t fit your life anymore? 

Here are some suggestions to help you drop emotional baggage and attachments that may have held you back in years past so you can pursue new goals in this new decade.

1. Give up the people-pleasing. Saying “yes” when you really mean “no” isn’t being nice or polite. It’s you not setting healthy boundaries. And not having healthy boundaries -- even with people you love -- can lead to stress, frustration and resentment because you’re sacrificing your needs to meet someone else’s. Express what you need or what you won’t tolerate. That might mean saying “no” to requests or expectations that you might have allowed in the past. Some folks may have a hard time accepting this new, boundary-having you; but if they want to be a part of your life in this new decade, they will have to adjust.
   
   

2. Let go of the one you won’t let get away. You know the pattern: You’ve been dating him or her off and on for a while, maybe even years. The two of you aren’t the best fit, and you keep saying you’re going to end the relationship for good this time; but you can’t seem to honor that commitment. Maybe there’s a part of you that believes that someone who is a better fit won’t come along. So Mr. Not-Quite-Right keeps recycling through your life, bringing yet another cycle of disappointment. If you’re in a relationship in which you don’t feel seen, heard and respected, it’s time to leave. It is worth the discomfort (and maybe the loneliness) of separating now so you can move on and enjoy a stronger relationship later.
   
   

3. Stop filling holes in your life with things (or people). When it comes to being fulfilled, self-love is the secret sauce. Overeating, overspending and overindulging in chaotic relationships can all be signs of using things and people to comfort yourself. Instead, you may need comfort that comes from rest, self-reflection, meditation and deepening your spiritual practice. Try journaling to explore your feelings, what’s missing, or how you want your life to be different. If you need additional support, seek a counselor or therapist.
   
   

4. Stop procrastinating. Big dreams can be scary, especially when they force you outside of your comfort zone. But procrastination can also bog down seemingly simple tasks on your to-do list (like that routine medical checkup). If you find you’re putting off the simple things, ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” You may realize that you’re afraid to face test results or to finally hear what your intuition has been trying to tell you. Decide to cultivate a new habit: take action. Whether that’s finding a new job, writing that proposal or finally making that doctor’s appointment! If you need some support getting started, try a time-management matrix to help you organize your priorities. You can also ask a trusted friend or seek the support of a coach or therapist to help you get organized and stay on  track.
   
   

5. Check your worries - and treat your anxiety.  Worry is considering and  working through specific problems to find solutions. Fear of bombing a presentation at work is a worry that you could try to address with prep work. Worry is temporary and you experience it in your thoughts. Unchecked worries can contribute to anxiety - an overall sense of unease that may leap from one thing to another or be about nothing in particular. Fear of losing your job, getting sick and then growing old alone is anxiety. Anxiety lingers and you experience it in your body -- from restlessness to fatigue and muscle aches to difficulty concentrating or sleeping. If you find that your worries spiral or jump from one event to another over at least six months, and that relaxation strategies like deep breathing and meditation aren’t working, then you should talk with a professional who can help. The first step to dealing with anxiety is to acknowledge that you don’t have to be stressed out over things you can't control. 
   
   

6. Debunk limiting beliefs. Your mindset determines whether you view roadblocks as opportunities or obstacles. If you believe that roadblocks limit your ability, then you may need to work on shifting your perspective. Just because you choose to believe something doesn’t make it true. Start by challenging your beliefs: Ask yourself, “Where’s the evidence that I can’t make this happen?” Some beliefs may have been passed down in your family or may be the result of your experience and environment. Others may be related to internal issues, such as a lack of self-acceptance (an awareness and ability to accept yourself--flaws and all). Replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs. When a roadblock pops up, say to yourself, “I can figure this out. I can ask others for help if I need to. I have what I need - or can find what I need - to get through this.” If you’re feeling stuck, a counselor can help you identify limiting beliefs, address them and leave them behind.
   
   

   7. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Whether it’s volunteering with a local community group or signing up for that salsa class you’ve been eyeing, unless it’s a threat to your health and wellness, don’t let fear stop you from pursuing your interests and having fun. Showing up helps you stretch and grow, connecting with others and experimenting with new ways of being in the world. And you may find a new passion along the way. 
   
   

   8.  Sever “situationships.” A situationship is that strange, murky space between a-little-more-than-a-friendship and not-quite-in-a-relationship that a lot of women allow themselves to linger in. If this is OK by you, then fine. But I find that many clients are looking for a relationship and settling for a situationship. You pretend you’re cool with casual interactions and casual sex, while you wonder whether your friend/not-quite-boo will “get serious” someday. More than likely, they won’t because you’ve approved of the situation -- and your silence counts as approval. If you want a real relationship, say so. Your situationship may evaporate in the face of your demand, but that will allow you to focus your time, energy and efforts on finding someone who wants a relationship just as you do. Anything else is just a distraction. And distractions are so done this decade!
   
   

   9. Quit asking for permission. You don’t need permission to do anything that you want to do in your life! Now, if you’re in a relationship, then you should absolutely explore the financial and emotional impact your plans may have on your partner, so communication is crucial. But having a discussion on pursuing your goals is different from asking permission to do so. More often though, we seek permission or approval from people who have little impact on our lives -- other than the power we give them -- hello, social media! If likes matter to you more than living your life freely, it’s time to make a change. Don’t waste another year waiting for someone to tell you it’s OK to go for your dreams.

   
   
   Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. She is developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com

How Therapy Can Be More Than Talking

Today, more people are making psychotherapy a part of their self-care practice. In the same way they have personal trainers, they are investing in therapists -- and that’s a good thing. The benefits of therapy are vast, including having an objective perspective on happenings in your life, a sounding board for you to talk through options before taking action, a place where you can deepen self-awareness, access resources to support your growth and personal development, and much more. 

But you may cringe at the idea of being up in an office talking through your feelings, and I get it! Sometimes, the couch may not be what you need at the time. Sometimes, you simply need to get out and about or explore your experiences in ways where words alone won’t do. 

As a psychotherapist, I help clients get in touch with their emotions and change negative thinking and problematic behavior.  I’ll sometimes encourage writing, moving, drawing, getting sunshine and even deep breathing as a way to explore and express feelings, develop coping and relaxation strategies, support healthy relationships and manage conflicts. 

When it comes to therapy, talking it through isn’t the only solution. Here are ten ways to get off the couch and still find transformation and healing. While not all are therapy in the clinical sense, all can be therapeutic.

Move your body. 

Dancing around the kitchen to your favorite Beyoncé song can certainly be fun (been there, done that!), but there are many more benefits to moving than exercise and a good time. Dance and movement help you connect with your body and contribute to your brain’s health. Science shows that the mental benefits include improved memory and strengthened neural connections. Dance and movement therapy helps address issues such as poor self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress. In an article exploring dance and movement therapy in Scientific American magazine, Columbia University neuroscientist John Krakauer called synchronizing music and movement a “pleasure double play” because music stimulates the brain’s reward centers, while dance activates its “sensory and motor circuits.” To find a dance movement therapist, try the American Dance Therapy Association. 

Take a hike.

Because it tends to be a little bit more challenging than a casual stroll through the park, hiking can give you a cardiovascular boost as well. A Harvard University article noted that hiking -- especially on uneven terrain -- can engage your core and enhance your balance while relieving stress as well.  

Get artsy.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself creative, making art makes for potent therapy. A Michigan State University article describes the benefits of art therapy for people of all ages, suggesting that it helps “tap into your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences through creative expression.” When combined with talk therapy, the article explains, art therapy can “help people deal with strong emotions, increase self-awareness and self-worth and decrease stress and anxiety.” Art therapy can include drawing, painting, coloring, sculpting and more. To find an art therapist near you, visit the American Art Therapy Association’s therapist locator.

Go outside and play.

Go Green: Enjoy the benefits of green spaces. (Image: Nappy.co)

In New York City, we have the benefit of living and working among oases of green spaces. These beautiful parks -- including Manhattan’s sprawling Central Park -- were designed to provide relief and a sense of escape for the teeming masses living in close quarters and among dense buildings. Occasionally I’ve met clients in a park near my office, and the change in setting made a big difference in our dynamic and their mood. It’s not surprising: CNN recently cited a study of 20,000 people in England that showed that spending time in nature or green spaces can benefit your health and well-being. Even as little as 15 minutes in nature is said to help reduce stress and anxiety, boost happiness and help with memory loss. 

Sing a song.

You may not be America’s next idol, but belting out your favorite song, even if off-key, can often be a great stress reliever. Up the fun quotient and meet a few friends for karaoke, where you can vibe with the music and be silly without judgment. In that vein, music therapy -- engaging music to accomplish goals within a therapeutic relationship -- can be a powerful option to consider. And you don’t need a musical background to experience the benefits of music therapy: a certified music therapist will design a program that’s suited for you. Find a music therapist through the American Music Therapy Association at https://www.musictherapy.org/about/find/.

Get to the beach. 

Sight, sound, smell -- the ocean stimulates many of your senses and can help you to relax. This NBC news story explores the notion that simply lying on a towel on the beach and just listening to the sound of waves washing onto shore can soothe you. The article notes that a study in the American Association for the Advancement of Science found that even the ocean’s blue hue can boost your mood and enhance creativity. Skeptics might say that the beach is relaxing because we’ve been conditioned to think so, but if it works, it works!

Work it out. 

Get Moving! Boosting your heart rate helps you feel great!

We know that regular exercise benefits your body, but rigorous movement boosts your brain as well. Working up a sweat not only releases endorphins -- nature’s feel-good hormone (as in “runner’s high”) -- but it also promotes better memory and thinking skills. A good aerobic workout can include anything that gets your heart rate up -- from Zumba to bicycling to swimming to a 30-minute do-it-yourself boot camp in the comfort of your living room. 

Write it out.

Creative writing and poetry can act as a buffer, providing a safe distance to explore difficult or distressing parts of your life. Many people in creative endeavors swear by Morning Pages, a daily exercise that is the cornerstone of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, a guide to restoring or enhancing creativity.  You write longhand - nonstop and no edits - filling three pages. In her book The Soul of the Full Length Manuscript, novelist and expressive arts expert Zelda Lockhart encourages us to dive into detail “to express joy, complacency or satisfaction with as much fervor as we have learned in our lives to express pain.” Some therapists are specially trained to guide you in writing, offering prompts and excerpts to help you safely explore areas of your life and process the writing you produce. The International Federation for Biblio/Poetry Therapy lists credentialed professionals who can facilitate writing as therapy. 

Act it out.

Of course you want to have as little drama in your life as possible. But drama therapy can prove helpful as an alternative or addition to talk therapy. In drama therapy, you might use theater games, storytelling, and enactment to help cope with grief and loss, isolation and conflict. As the North American Drama Therapy Association  explains, drama therapy can also promote positive changes in mood, insight and empathy and facilitate healthy relationships. Check out their listing of drama therapists.

Breathe with intention. 

Breathing with thoughtful intention can promote calm and ease, cultivate mindfulness, and help you become more grounded and aware of bodily sensations. Breath is often overlooked, but is an important part of working through distressing experiences and making change. And whenever you exhale for longer than you inhale, you automatically engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which tells your body to rest, and counteract your sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your fight-or-flight response. Try this technique adapted from The Healing Power of the Breath by Drs. Richard P. Brown and Patricia L. Gerbarg: Slowly inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, slowly exhale for six counts, hold for two counts. Repeat a few times and note what you feel in your body.  

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com