Start the new year with a magical question…

As we forge ahead into a new year, the idea of resolutions can feel either rote or overwhelming. Even if we set motivating goals, by mid-February we may already feel as if we’ve fallen behind and nothing has changed. We’re ready to give up, and our habits and lives continue as before.

Typically we want to make resolutions because, on some level, we are frustrated or find some part of our lives unsatisfying. In my therapy practice, I often hear clients talk about the intense pressure to perform at work without support or constant concern about being less than perfect. They are employed at a job that pays the bills and then some, but they are not inspired and fulfilled by the work that they do. They want something more but can’t determine what it is or figure out how to get it.

Chasing the next achievement or task on a to-do list may not provide the joy we seek. So how do we think differently about a fresh start or create a new opportunity to change habits? Instead of drafting a list of resolutions or goals you think you should meet, use the inspiration of a New Year to get intentional about what you want to do differently and lay the foundation for a more genuine shift that lasts.

One way to prepare to get unstuck from the past is to take a step back and consider deeper issues about what gives your life meaning. Ask yourself an Adlerian "magical question:" 

If you could wave a magic wand and make this change in your life, how would it be different??

This simple question, inspired by the philosopher and psychiatrist Alfred Adler, is powerful and effective. It's one I often pose to clients because to it gives permission to dream, to see how life might unfold and to consider the fears and real or perceived obstacles that might keep you from taking steps to change. 

To start this New Year with an open mind and different perspective, I recommend allowing a magical question to guide you as you delve into these three journaling activities. Carve out some quiet time (about 30 minutes total), get comfortable, grab a cup of tea and your favorite pen, and write as you reflect on the following:

1. Identify the issues. Make a list of 3-5 aspects of your life where you feel stuck and would like to see a change. The list might include a relationship, a work issue, finances or self-care. Once you make the list, go back to each item and add a line or two that reflects what you want to change in a given area. Get granular: In your relationship, do you want more passion? What does that look like? More fun? When doing what? At work, do you want more autonomy? More flexibility to work from home? What do you want your typical day to look like?

If you’re unsure about how you'd like to change a particular item on your list, repeat the magical question, focused on a specific issue.

2.  Narrow your focus. Now that you have your list of life areas you’d like to change, choose just one that resonates with you the most. Or rank the items in order of importance and choose the one that feels most urgent. Write about why you want to see change in that particular area of your life. Complete these sentences: 1. What makes that issue so important to me is __________. 2. Making a meaningful change in this area will make me _____________. 3. This change fits with my vision for myself to _____________. This step will help you clarify why this matters to you.

3.  Write a letter to yourself. Imagine yourself one year from now. Write yourself a letter from your one-year-later perspective about the changes you made in the life area you chose. Assume you were successful in making a difference and congratulate yourself. How did you address any concerns you currently have about making a change? Describe how you overcame any challenges. High-five yourself for working hard, for staying focused, for not letting others’ doubts sow doubts in your own mind and heart – you did that!

Be specific about steps you took each day, each week or each month to bring your change to fruition. Let's say your focus was self-care. Perhaps you lowered you stress by adding acts of self-care to your calendar so you would not miss your "appointments." Or you mapped and pursued a strategy to trade a soul-sapping job for more meaningful work.

When you're done, review your letter. Consider what feelings come up as you read your words to yourself. What are you curious about? What do you feel in your body? What changes might you want to make as a result of your writing? Take a few minutes more to write about about about your self-reflection. This might be your road map for your first steps toward change.

Why does this technique work? It taps into and releases the power of your thoughts, which can get buried in the day-to-day and other people’s expectations, and engages your feelings and your fears, which can dampen or drive your motivation. By stating what you want and acting “as if” it already happened, you create the mindset for growth and give yourself hope. 

Start today! What’s one key area of your life where you want to get unstuck over the next year? Share in the comments below.

During the winter months, those of us in cooler climates may be inclined to spend more time indoors as the temps drop and daylight savings comes to an end. And if you work from home, it can be even easier to stay inside and be less active (hello, Doordash and Uber Eats). But when we do this, we miss out on critical time in sunlight, which can trigger changes in the body such as reduced serotonin, vitamin D, or too much melatonin, which can affect your mood.  

There are ways you can counter these feelings and boost your vitamin D, such as using “happy lights” light therapy in your space, and eating foods such as fatty fish, dark leafy greens and even dark chocolate. But don’t miss out on the feel-good benefits of getting outdoors and moving your body. 

Communing with nature can help us avoid the negative moods and melancholy of the season. Research has shown that exposure to the natural environment can reduce depression and anxiety. It also keeps us active, which counters the poor health effects of sitting for long periods indoors.

If you feel sad for two weeks or more, if you find it hard to get out of bed, if you notice yourself isolating or losing interest in things you used to enjoy doing, consider talking to a therapist. Whether or not you decide to seek counseling, spending more time outdoors and in nature will support your healing. So bundle up and try these activities:

Go for a walk or hike. Take a brisk walk in your neighborhood or at a local park with hiking trails. Walking is free and has so many benefits, including getting your heartrate up and getting you outdoors and closer to nature. Tune into a Girltrek Black History Bootcamp podcast for inspiration. 

Keep playing outdoor sports. Just because it’s cold out, you don’t have to stop playing sports you enjoy like basketball, tennis or throwing a football. Make it a family outing or join a local team. The activity will warm you up and the camaraderie will boost your mood.

Bask in sunlight. Even though there are fewer daylight hours, be sure to soak up some rays when you can. Step outside for a few minutes in the morning, during your lunch break or at the end of the day to experience the warmth and beauty of sunlight. You may even catch a lovely sunset.

Having fun in the snow.

Enjoy the snow. Even if you’re not a winter sports fan, you can still get a good workout in the snow. Try cross country skiing or snowshoeing, which is something I love to do. You’ll work up a sweat even when it’s cold. If you have kids, take them ice skating or sledding. Build a snowman together or surprise them with a snowball fight. You might just reconnect with the child in you.

Visit a local zoo, botanical garden or state park. These spots, which are often open year-round, get you up close to animals and greenery, and provide ideal scenery for a long walk.

Plan a trip. If you’re able, plan a weekend (or longer) escape to a warmer destination or one that puts you squarely in nature, like a mountain cabin or ski lodge. There may be opportunities like winter camping or ice fishing. A winter getaway may be just what you need to change your perspective.

Try a new outdoor hobby. Bird watching or outdoor photography can get you outside and give you a new skill that builds confidence and joy. Do a little research to find a local club or tour that you can join. 

Volunteer outside. Is there a cause you feel strongly about? There may be an opportunity to support a local charity by signing up for a fundraising walk or run, or helping to clean up a local park or support a nature preserve. Helping others feels good and prevents soul-crushing isolation. 

Another way to counter the blues and nurture your spirit is to take some time to journal. For seasonal inspiration, consider Winter Poem, a short and sweet glimpse of experiencing the wonders of winter, by Nikki Giovanni. Once you’ve read it, write to one of these prompts: 1) This poem explores seasonal transitions. What transitions are you exploring in your own life? How are they connected with the seasonal shift? 2) Like kissing snowflakes, list 5-10 ways you can embrace the change in seasons.  3) What phrase or line resonates most with you, and why? You can even do your writing outside.

Attend my monthly writing series to banish the blues

Click here to join Writing and Lighting the Way: Self-Care for Seasonal Blues.

Join my writing group to overcome the winter blues.

This monthly writing series that runs all winter until March will lift spirits that might dip when the temperature drops and the nights grow long. Using literature and lyrics, we'll explore seasonal sadness and holistic ways to welcome winter and thrive as the seasons change. First Saturday of the month for four months, starting Dec. 3. (Bring: something to write with (notepad, journal, your computer). No writing experience necessary.)

Resolution reset:

Drop the emotional baggage and let go of things that no longer serve you.

We are already ankle-deep into 2020, and at this point, some resolutions may be roadkill and you may need to revise or recommit to your goals. Many of us aspire to start fresh and establish healthy habits at the top of a new year -- our vision boards abound with exciting new adventures and attitude. But in order to succeed, we may need to break bad habits too. Think about it: What are some habits, beliefs, behaviors -- and maybe even people -- that don’t fit your life anymore? 

Here are some suggestions to help you drop emotional baggage and attachments that may have held you back in years past so you can pursue new goals in this new decade.

1. Give up the people-pleasing. Saying “yes” when you really mean “no” isn’t being nice or polite. It’s you not setting healthy boundaries. And not having healthy boundaries -- even with people you love -- can lead to stress, frustration and resentment because you’re sacrificing your needs to meet someone else’s. Express what you need or what you won’t tolerate. That might mean saying “no” to requests or expectations that you might have allowed in the past. Some folks may have a hard time accepting this new, boundary-having you; but if they want to be a part of your life in this new decade, they will have to adjust.
   
   

2. Let go of the one you won’t let get away. You know the pattern: You’ve been dating him or her off and on for a while, maybe even years. The two of you aren’t the best fit, and you keep saying you’re going to end the relationship for good this time; but you can’t seem to honor that commitment. Maybe there’s a part of you that believes that someone who is a better fit won’t come along. So Mr. Not-Quite-Right keeps recycling through your life, bringing yet another cycle of disappointment. If you’re in a relationship in which you don’t feel seen, heard and respected, it’s time to leave. It is worth the discomfort (and maybe the loneliness) of separating now so you can move on and enjoy a stronger relationship later.
   
   

3. Stop filling holes in your life with things (or people). When it comes to being fulfilled, self-love is the secret sauce. Overeating, overspending and overindulging in chaotic relationships can all be signs of using things and people to comfort yourself. Instead, you may need comfort that comes from rest, self-reflection, meditation and deepening your spiritual practice. Try journaling to explore your feelings, what’s missing, or how you want your life to be different. If you need additional support, seek a counselor or therapist.
   
   

4. Stop procrastinating. Big dreams can be scary, especially when they force you outside of your comfort zone. But procrastination can also bog down seemingly simple tasks on your to-do list (like that routine medical checkup). If you find you’re putting off the simple things, ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” You may realize that you’re afraid to face test results or to finally hear what your intuition has been trying to tell you. Decide to cultivate a new habit: take action. Whether that’s finding a new job, writing that proposal or finally making that doctor’s appointment! If you need some support getting started, try a time-management matrix to help you organize your priorities. You can also ask a trusted friend or seek the support of a coach or therapist to help you get organized and stay on  track.
   
   

5. Check your worries - and treat your anxiety.  Worry is considering and  working through specific problems to find solutions. Fear of bombing a presentation at work is a worry that you could try to address with prep work. Worry is temporary and you experience it in your thoughts. Unchecked worries can contribute to anxiety - an overall sense of unease that may leap from one thing to another or be about nothing in particular. Fear of losing your job, getting sick and then growing old alone is anxiety. Anxiety lingers and you experience it in your body -- from restlessness to fatigue and muscle aches to difficulty concentrating or sleeping. If you find that your worries spiral or jump from one event to another over at least six months, and that relaxation strategies like deep breathing and meditation aren’t working, then you should talk with a professional who can help. The first step to dealing with anxiety is to acknowledge that you don’t have to be stressed out over things you can't control. 
   
   

6. Debunk limiting beliefs. Your mindset determines whether you view roadblocks as opportunities or obstacles. If you believe that roadblocks limit your ability, then you may need to work on shifting your perspective. Just because you choose to believe something doesn’t make it true. Start by challenging your beliefs: Ask yourself, “Where’s the evidence that I can’t make this happen?” Some beliefs may have been passed down in your family or may be the result of your experience and environment. Others may be related to internal issues, such as a lack of self-acceptance (an awareness and ability to accept yourself--flaws and all). Replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs. When a roadblock pops up, say to yourself, “I can figure this out. I can ask others for help if I need to. I have what I need - or can find what I need - to get through this.” If you’re feeling stuck, a counselor can help you identify limiting beliefs, address them and leave them behind.
   
   

   7. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Whether it’s volunteering with a local community group or signing up for that salsa class you’ve been eyeing, unless it’s a threat to your health and wellness, don’t let fear stop you from pursuing your interests and having fun. Showing up helps you stretch and grow, connecting with others and experimenting with new ways of being in the world. And you may find a new passion along the way. 
   
   

   8.  Sever “situationships.” A situationship is that strange, murky space between a-little-more-than-a-friendship and not-quite-in-a-relationship that a lot of women allow themselves to linger in. If this is OK by you, then fine. But I find that many clients are looking for a relationship and settling for a situationship. You pretend you’re cool with casual interactions and casual sex, while you wonder whether your friend/not-quite-boo will “get serious” someday. More than likely, they won’t because you’ve approved of the situation -- and your silence counts as approval. If you want a real relationship, say so. Your situationship may evaporate in the face of your demand, but that will allow you to focus your time, energy and efforts on finding someone who wants a relationship just as you do. Anything else is just a distraction. And distractions are so done this decade!
   
   

   9. Quit asking for permission. You don’t need permission to do anything that you want to do in your life! Now, if you’re in a relationship, then you should absolutely explore the financial and emotional impact your plans may have on your partner, so communication is crucial. But having a discussion on pursuing your goals is different from asking permission to do so. More often though, we seek permission or approval from people who have little impact on our lives -- other than the power we give them -- hello, social media! If likes matter to you more than living your life freely, it’s time to make a change. Don’t waste another year waiting for someone to tell you it’s OK to go for your dreams.

   
   
   Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. She is developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com