As we settle into this new year, we’re facing a lot of uncertainty, including ongoing COVID drama and trauma, debates over whether to vax or not to vax, and rethinking how we work and live. As a result, our collective mental health continues to suffer.

While it’s understandable that you might feel anxious or down, knowing how your thoughts can affect how you feel can help you shift from unhealthy, negative emotions to a place of more flexibility and ease. The benefit of shifting? You’ll build coping skills that can sustain you through hard times – whether it’s divisions over COVID, riffs in your family, or challenges at work.

For example, insisting that something must happen in a certain way or someone needs to behave a certain way could lead you to feel anxious, hurt, and rageful – unhealthy negative emotions that can lead to self-defeating behaviors like avoidance or procrastination. That way of thinking is a reflection of being rigid and fixed. Knowing that life doesn’t always deliver what you expect or people don’t always behave the way you want them will help you be more flexible and engage healthy, negative emotions like disappointment, concern, and anger. (Yes, anger can be healthy – and helpful. As Audre Lorde tells us, it’s full of information.)

Instead of thinking something should happen, try thinking, “It would be great if I aced my presentation … but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I don’t.” Or, “I want my parent or friend to apologize for an insensitive remark, but I recognize that they may not.” This allows you to get to a place of acceptance (while still speaking up – note that acceptance doesn’t mean that you sacrifice your values or become a doormat).

This technique is a part of REBT or Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy – a framework rooted in philosophy and focused on perspective. REBT assumes you are a goal-oriented individual and supports you in reaching your goals. It leads you to check in with yourself, challenge negative thoughts and consider other ways of seeing situations. It’s not about what happened to you, it’s about how you perceive it that matters. And changing your perception can change how you feel.

Life is full of uncertainty, and this time is particularly challenging. Even our new norms will continue to be disrupted. Managing your expectations and shifting your perspective will help you to navigate uncertainty and be flexible, adaptable, and resilient in hard times. 

Most of us are familiar with the saying, “in my feelings” -- you may have even used it yourself. The phrase is so popular that it’s reflected in songs by chart-topping artists like singer Ella Mai and rapper Drake. You might also say you “feel some type of way” -- which is an example of saying you’re “in your feelings,” but it is often reserved for describing something negative. But what are you really trying to say -- and why is it so important to be clear?

First, let’s understand what feelings really are. Feelings, which reflect emotions, are a result of your body registering information from your brain. You will often experience a physical reaction. For example, a knot in your gut might be related to excitement or fear, while a fluttering in your belly may be a sign of nervousness. The reactions can be different for different people. A flushed face could signal embarrassment for some, but anger for others. Your feelings and your physical sensations ride in tandem. It’s important that you are aware of these sensations to determine what’s coming up for you. We’re often so in our heads and focused on what we’re thinking and not how we’re feeling. 

It’s no wonder: because so many of us are socialized to not express our feelings, we may never have learned how to be in touch with them. You may remember as a child -- boys especially -- being told not to cry after you scraped your knee, or having an adult tell you “be a big girl” if you express sadness or disappointment. Those people, even if well-intended, likely were trying to get you to stop expressing your feelings because of their own discomfort with what your emotions were bringing up for them.

The phrase “in your feelings” might also be used as a coping mechanism, much like using the phrases “it’s all good” and “I’mma just keep it moving.” It’s a way to say “something’s bothering me, but I’m not going to put my finger on it” -- and by not doing that you cheat yourself out of really understanding what's going on with you. 

As a result, you will struggle to articulate the impact something has on you and to make it clear how you may need a situation to change. This may lead to you feeling “stuck” -- in a toxic relationship or in an unfulfilling job -- because you haven’t identified or communicated what’s really bothering you. It takes self-awareness -- listening to your body -- to know how you feel.

One of my goals as a therapist is to help clients become more fluent in how to interpret their feelings. You may have a hard time naming a feeling and say something like, “He disrespected me.” That’s not a feeling, so my reply to you might be, “You think he disrespected you. But how does that lead you to feel?” I would leave space for you to explore what’s coming up in your body. The feeling from being disrespected may be sad, or embarrassed, or pissed off. 

Here are three simple techniques you can use to better understand and express yourself whenever you feel like you’re in your feelings:

1. Practice mindfulness, or awareness and curiosity without judgement. It can be as simple as five minutes of stillness and deep breathing. Pay attention to what you feel in your body when you have to work with a colleague who you generally try to avoid, or when you need to have a real talk with your partner. Mindfulness is a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger and better it gets.
   
   

2. Take note. Sometimes, I’ll encourage clients to jot down those physical sensations when they happen and note what was going on. The next time we meet, they share their experiences and I help them connect those physical sensations to the emotions they experienced, and how they influence their behaviors. Over time they will learn how to make the important connection between those sensations and their feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
   
   

3. Name your feelings. Ask yourself some questions and use a feeling chart, such as the Gottman Institute’s Feeling Wheel to help you explore the wide range of feelings that you experience but may not be able to identify -- whether that’s anger, loneliness, or another emotion. Or perhaps you're experiencing joy, and you want to be able to connect those dots, too. Maybe sitting in the park, having your toes in the sand at the beach or a certain food or smell makes you nostalgic. Take notice of what those joyful feelings feel like, where they come from, and learn how to stay in that space or get back there when you need to.
   
   

   Our feelings are there to provide us with information. The more fluent you are in that language, the better you will be able to discern the information that you’re receiving. This can help you be truer to yourself and respond in an authentic way. With practice, you can become fluent in the language of feelings.

The “angry Black woman” trope can be damaging to a Black woman’s psyche and your sense of self if you let it. But there are ways that your anger can inform and empower you. 

As the writer James Baldwin famously said in a 1961 radio interview when asked about being Black in America: “To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a state of rage almost all of the time — and in one's work. And part of the rage is this: It isn't only what is happening to you. But it's what's happening all around you and all of the time in the face of the most extraordinary and criminal indifference, indifference of most white people in this country, and their ignorance.”

Baldwin shared this observation nearly 60 years ago, but if you take inventory of the state of the world today -- in your life and in the broader society -- there’s still a lot to be angry about. It’s likely that you deal with persistent microaggressions in your professional and personal life, with  knowing that you are paid 38% less than white men and 21% less than white women even while you’re as qualified, and with experiencing repeated trauma from a newsfeed full of outrageous stories about the policing of Black bodies. Add to that the disproportionate impact of the COVID-19 virus on Black and Brown communities, and how could you not be angry?

Too many Black women feel they can’t acknowledge, much less express, their own anger for fear of being labeled an “angry Black woman.” But getting in touch with your anger could be just what you need to move through difficult experiences in your life.

As I recently wrote in an article for Sisters AARP, “anger is a part of a full range of emotions, and even though it’s a negative emotion (as are fear, anxiety and sadness), that doesn’t make it unhealthy. All emotions are useful because they convey information, and negative emotions help you recognize threats and respond to danger. So the question is, what is your anger telling you, and what can you do in response?”

Read on for the full article, You’re an Angry Black Woman? Own It. And learn how to put your anger to good use.