Most of us are familiar with the saying, “in my feelings” -- you may have even used it yourself. The phrase is so popular that it’s reflected in songs by chart-topping artists like singer Ella Mai and rapper Drake. You might also say you “feel some type of way” -- which is an example of saying you’re “in your feelings,” but it is often reserved for describing something negative. But what are you really trying to say -- and why is it so important to be clear?

First, let’s understand what feelings really are. Feelings, which reflect emotions, are a result of your body registering information from your brain. You will often experience a physical reaction. For example, a knot in your gut might be related to excitement or fear, while a fluttering in your belly may be a sign of nervousness. The reactions can be different for different people. A flushed face could signal embarrassment for some, but anger for others. Your feelings and your physical sensations ride in tandem. It’s important that you are aware of these sensations to determine what’s coming up for you. We’re often so in our heads and focused on what we’re thinking and not how we’re feeling. 

It’s no wonder: because so many of us are socialized to not express our feelings, we may never have learned how to be in touch with them. You may remember as a child -- boys especially -- being told not to cry after you scraped your knee, or having an adult tell you “be a big girl” if you express sadness or disappointment. Those people, even if well-intended, likely were trying to get you to stop expressing your feelings because of their own discomfort with what your emotions were bringing up for them.

The phrase “in your feelings” might also be used as a coping mechanism, much like using the phrases “it’s all good” and “I’mma just keep it moving.” It’s a way to say “something’s bothering me, but I’m not going to put my finger on it” -- and by not doing that you cheat yourself out of really understanding what's going on with you. 

As a result, you will struggle to articulate the impact something has on you and to make it clear how you may need a situation to change. This may lead to you feeling “stuck” -- in a toxic relationship or in an unfulfilling job -- because you haven’t identified or communicated what’s really bothering you. It takes self-awareness -- listening to your body -- to know how you feel.

One of my goals as a therapist is to help clients become more fluent in how to interpret their feelings. You may have a hard time naming a feeling and say something like, “He disrespected me.” That’s not a feeling, so my reply to you might be, “You think he disrespected you. But how does that lead you to feel?” I would leave space for you to explore what’s coming up in your body. The feeling from being disrespected may be sad, or embarrassed, or pissed off. 

Here are three simple techniques you can use to better understand and express yourself whenever you feel like you’re in your feelings:

1. Practice mindfulness, or awareness and curiosity without judgement. It can be as simple as five minutes of stillness and deep breathing. Pay attention to what you feel in your body when you have to work with a colleague who you generally try to avoid, or when you need to have a real talk with your partner. Mindfulness is a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger and better it gets.
   
   

2. Take note. Sometimes, I’ll encourage clients to jot down those physical sensations when they happen and note what was going on. The next time we meet, they share their experiences and I help them connect those physical sensations to the emotions they experienced, and how they influence their behaviors. Over time they will learn how to make the important connection between those sensations and their feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
   
   

3. Name your feelings. Ask yourself some questions and use a feeling chart, such as the Gottman Institute’s Feeling Wheel to help you explore the wide range of feelings that you experience but may not be able to identify -- whether that’s anger, loneliness, or another emotion. Or perhaps you're experiencing joy, and you want to be able to connect those dots, too. Maybe sitting in the park, having your toes in the sand at the beach or a certain food or smell makes you nostalgic. Take notice of what those joyful feelings feel like, where they come from, and learn how to stay in that space or get back there when you need to.
   
   

   Our feelings are there to provide us with information. The more fluent you are in that language, the better you will be able to discern the information that you’re receiving. This can help you be truer to yourself and respond in an authentic way. With practice, you can become fluent in the language of feelings.

Nickole Hannah-Jones channeling Audre Lorde’s “I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.” (Photo credit: Instagram post of Nikole Hannah-Jones)

You may have heard about the controversy around Nikole Hannah-Jones’ recent decision to join Howard University’s faculty instead of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This Pulitzer-Prize-winning journalist and creator of the New York Times groundbreaking 1619 Project, was highly qualified to receive tenure at her alma mater, UNC, where she had been invited to teach. But the university’s board of trustees denied her tenure, and it took a whirlwind of social media backlash and news stories to push the board to take another vote and reverse its decision. 

Hannah-Jones’s decision is a powerful lesson in why it’s important to go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. 

Hannah-Jones wrote about how hurtful and embarrassing the experience was for her, but says that discomfort also motivated her to do what was best for her. If she had accepted the position at UNC after knowing they initially rejected her, she would have been in an uncomfortable situation that she was forcing to work. Declining UNC’s tainted offer took a lot of courage; but her prestigious tenured position as the first Knight Chair in Race and Journalism at Howard University -- where leaders at the school went out of their way to rally to secure the resources to bring her on board -- will most likely be better for Hannah-Jones not only professionally, but spiritually and emotionally. She will also establish the Center for Journalism and Democracy, which the university says will train aspiring journalists in "the investigative skills and historical and analytical expertise needed to cover the crisis our democracy is facing."

How many of us have been in a situation like Hannah-Jones, where we were given lemons and expected to make lemonade while pretending to be happy about it?  Whether it’s slighted at work or in an unfulfilling relationship that we needed to leave? What we can take from watching her experience unfold is how to determine whether we are thriving in a situation or just making it work. 

When you’re thriving in a situation, you’re happy, connected, and engaged. When you’re just making it work, you're likely not fulfilled, which can lead to sadness, apathy, and isolation. Sometimes making the decision to walk away is difficult because we start to make calculations about what we could live with and why. We might say we’re too old to make a change, we might be afraid to let go or we’ll try to convince ourselves that things aren’t so bad. But when you try to stay in a situation that isn’t ideal, you will sacrifice your wellbeing. 

Jones gives props to Howard University, also referred to as “The Mecca.” (Photo credit: Instagram post of Nikole Hannah-Jones)

What’s your cost of making it work? 

It’s important to evaluate your situation and figure out what’s good for you. Here are some questions to consider:

• Am I being fulfilled by the work that I’m doing or the relationship that I’m in?

• Am I lowering my expectations to keep this person in my life, or by staying at this job?

• Am I using my age, financial situation, or another excuse as a reason why I can’t move beyond this?

• If it wasn’t about money, age, or experience, or if all my excuses were wiped off the table, would I still do this? 

• Is this good for me? 

Take some time and write your answers to these questions. When you’re finished, read your answers and consider how you feel and what comes up for you in reading what you wrote. Use what comes up to help you decide if you are in a place where you are valued, affirmed, and satisfied. Based on your answer, you can determine your next steps.

When you’re intentional about your joy, you know when it’s time to walk away because the cost of making it work means you’re sacrificing things you are truly passionate about and that feed your soul. And you deserve better than that.

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Guest blog post by Melissa Saenz

With spring in full gear and vaccines offering a measure of protection, many Americans are emerging from months of COVID-mandated sequestering. And it’s not a moment too soon, as so many people have complained about having “cabin fever.”

Cabin fever is defined as feelings of restless and irritability caused by being in a confined space. In the early days of the coronavirus pandemic, many high-risk states issued stay-in orders, which required people to remain at home to minimize the spread of the disease. Those orders affected me personally, making me feel restless and impatient. Other symptoms include difficulty concentrating, and feelings of inadequacy from struggles to keep up with daily or weekly schedules. Some also saw an increase of alcohol consumption, and changes in diet and eating habits. 

We all had to figure out how to adapt to this major stressor or face hopelessness and burnout. The Hans Selye General Adaptation Syndrome has three phases to explain what the body goes through when experiencing a stressor such as the pandemic: 1) Alarm Reaction: the heart rate increases, cortisol and adrenalin surges, leading to a temporary state of shock and a flight-or-fight response. 2) Resistance, in which the body copes with a stressful event and the heart rate and blood pressure begin to level off. If the stressor remains, the body adjusts, maintaining a state of high alert. 3 Exhaustion: struggling with prolonged stress can sap your physical, emotional, and mental resources, leaving you with no ability to cope and setting you up for anxiety, depression, and a weakened immune system.

There are several ways to overcome Cabin Fever. Keep these handy when cooler weather returns and if COVID is still stalking us:

Keep a routine – and stick to it. A routine adds structure to your days, supports a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep habits, and helps you stay focused on personal and work goals.  

Maintain social ties— Keeping connected to friends and loved ones help you feel less isolated and have someone to share your experiences with. 

Move your body – and get outdoors if it’s safe. As a dedicated runner, I make a point to keep going even in the cold. Movement boosts your feel-good hormones, and being out in nature creates a sense of well-being. 

Get creative— I started a hobby of making playlists featuring powerful women such as the Peruvian singer Reneta Flores (who sings in both Quechua and Spanish), Lizzo, who sings about body positivity, and Beyonce, who’s all about female empowerment. This dynamic female energy helped me get through the worst of my cabin fever, and it’s ready to support me if I need it again.

Melissa, an Advanced Clinical Intern at my practice, is a Mental Health Counseling graduate student at Hunter College in New York City. Running outdoors is one way she beats cabin fever.

Sources: 

Blackman, J. S. (2020). A psychoanalytic view of reactions to the coronavirus pandemic In china*. The American Journal of Psychoanalysis, 80(2), 119-132. doi:10.1057/s11231-020-09248-w

Brito, J. (2020, June 9). What to know about cabin fever. Retrieved February 16, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/cabin-fever#signs

Jurblum, M., & Ng, C. H. (2020, December). Psychological consequences of social isolation and quarantine. Retrieved March 01, 2021, from https://www1.racgp.org.au/ajgp/2020/december/psychological-consequences-of-social-isolation-and

Credit: Jacob Lund for Canva

The last few weeks might have caused you to feel like you were on an emotional rollercoaster. A feeling that is likely compounded by the emotions of the last 18 months as we all continue to navigate life during the age of a global pandemic. From the conviction for the murder of George Floyd to the continuing harm caused to people of color in this country to “bad actors” who are working hard to limit our voting rights and our right to protest, it’s easy to feel like you're enduring 1,000 pricks at your joy. You might feel exhausted, you might feel sad or you might feel angry as hell. And you know what? It’s all okay. 

As people of color, we often don’t allow ourselves to slow down and feel the “feels.” We think we don’t have time for that right now, or we try to avoid it completely. We pick up, carry on and keep pushing forward -- just as our ancestors did. It’s part of our makeup. But it can also be a part of us that resists acknowledging the heartbreak when we learn about -- or witness via continuous media loops -- the debasement of humans who look like us. 

It’s important to be aware that this can be traumatic. The effects of the trauma may look different for each of us. You may find it hard to focus. You may not want to socialize with friends. You may snap at your little one for no reason. You may feel sick and tired. It’s important to recognize that what you’re feeling may stem from navigating this current environment where there’s so much injustice, uncertainty, fear, and loss. 

And just as you acknowledge what you’re experiencing, you can choose to be intentional about countering it. We have always had the ability to reach for joy, even in the midst of the most oppressive times. Our ancestors showed us that too. Now is the time for you to call on that again. 

Credit: mimagephotography for Canva

Here are some simple ways to be intentional about reclaiming your joy. 

• Reconnect. Be among your family and friends, whether virtually or safely in person. A catch-up with your sister circle cultivates a sense of community and can soothe your soul.
  

• Laugh. Find an oldie-but-goodie movie that you know is going to crack you up -- or a throw on anything featuring Tiffany Haddish. Laughter is actually good for you -- it relieves stress and releases feel-good hormones from your brain.
  

• Start a new hobby. Do something new that is completely for your enjoyment. Maybe it’s something you’ve been wanting to try for a while or something you never imagined you’d try, such as gardening or learning how to play an instrument.
  

• Add play to your day. With work, family and life -- we often get so busy we let go of the fun things that added spark to our lives. Explore those things again. Maybe it’s riding your bike, coloring, arts & crafts, or illuminating cultural games like Meet the Colonizers or Culture Tags.
  

• Talk to someone. Part of getting through this time is knowing that you’re not in this alone. Talk to a friend, a counselor, a spiritual teacher, or some other trustworthy person and share what you’re feeling. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, tap into resources such as Therapy for Black Girls or Clinicians of Color.

Being intentional about your joy doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring your feelings. But you deserve to feel good and to find what brings you happiness. Claim that. It will help get you through.