Common Signs and 5 Ways to Put Yourself First

Imagine this:  At work, you are “volun-told” to serve on a social justice committee. While you like the idea of being involved, your plate is full and you know it will not help you in terms of performance reviews or advancement. But ultimately, you say yes, and grudgingly add committee meetings to your calendar.

Or there’s this: A micromanaging relative calls and says she is planning to visit you for the holidays. You were planning a quiet holiday with your nuclear family. But you don’t want to insult or disappoint so you acquiesce and your Thanksgiving becomes her Thanksgiving. 

If one or both of these situations sound familiar, you may be a people pleaser. Instead of saying no to things you really don’t want to do, you say yes and silently seethe about it. It seems easier to maintain the peace but you’re often left feeling resentful and drained.

While it’s reasonable to want to be a team player at work or be responsive to family members, you have to do anything at your own expense. People pleasers say yes in part because they worry about what others think about them and don’t want to ruffle feathers. They may even get overly involved in the problems of others and try to fix everything. For that reason, they become the go-to person at work or in the family despite being exhausted and overwhelmed.

How does one become a people pleaser? Most likely, it is learned behavior from childhood. If you grew up in a family where you were not allowed a voice, you may have learned to stay quiet to avoid hard consequences. If your household was full of chaos, you may have tried to be the peacekeeper or simply retreated to your room.

If you grew up with a sibling or other relative who had emotional or physical challenges, you may have been a caregiver. Or you may have had a needy parent who expected you to take care of them rather than the other way around. Those survival skills you learned years ago may have become your default in adulthood. 

Think back to how you responded when there was conflict at home. What did you feel and where did you feel it in your body? Conflict today can bring up those same feelings from years ago.

Beyond your family, if you experienced racism early or later in life, you may have also learned to people-please by suppressing your identity in the presence of White people. You might code switch at work or tolerate microaggressions just to fit in.

To help determine if you’re a people pleaser, consider these questions:

• Do I often replay in my head a conversation or interaction and regret not speaking up or saying something different?

• Do I feel afraid to disappoint in certain situations, like I did when I was a child?

• Do I feel guilty when I say no?

• Am I usually last on my list of priorities?

• If your answer is yes to one or more questions, consider ways to check your people-pleasing behavior.

5 Steps to Pleasing You

Get comfortable with ‘no.’ Saying “No” is not always easy. When you want to say no to a request or invitation, think about what comes up in your body. Practice tolerating that discomfort by taking a deep breath. Recognize that you may not have been given permission to say no as a child, but you can do so today as an adult. Practice saying some go-to phrases such as “Unfortunately, I can’t…,” “I’m going to pass on this…,” “Thanks but that’s not going to work for me,” or simply, “No, I’m not able to…”

Set other boundaries. A boundary is a limit or standard you establish to protect yourself. There are different kinds of boundaries -- physical boundaries, time boundaries, financial boundaries, and emotional, sexual and spiritual boundaries. Take time to identify areas in your life where you might need to create and enforce boundaries. For example, not responding to work calls or emails after hours is a boundary. Not lending money (again) to that relative who is always broke is a boundary. Saying to a partner or friend who slights you, “You can’t speak to me that way,” or “That hurt me” is a boundary.

Center yourself. You may believe that it’s selfish to put your needs first. You may be in the habit of going out of your way to help others, but it may not actually be in your self-interest. Think about what it means to truly center yourself instead. Ask yourself: How does this make me feel? What do I want to do or to happen? It can feel strange for a people pleaser to ask these questions when you’re often focused on what others feel and what they want. But centering yourself is the first step toward empowering yourself. 

Remember your values. It’s important to be clear about your priorities and what matters most to you, and make sure that anything you are asked to do is in keeping with those values. If an action would cause you to go against your values, you need to reject it. I like this simple exercise that helps you to clarify what your values are. Your values are a roadmap to help you navigate thorny issues or questions. You need to know in order to stand by them. 

Get extra support. This issue is quite common. If you struggle with saying no or people-pleasing causes you distress, consider getting support. You can find a local mental health provider by searching Therapy for Black Girls, Therapy for Black Men, Clinicians of Color or Psychology Today’s directory.

Save the date: We will cover people pleasing and other critical issues in an upcoming virtual “Working While Black,”  series focused on leadership for Black women in January 2024. For more information on this and future events, please visit my website https://www.musegrace.com/ or sign up for my newsletter: http://eepurl.com/g9qkQ5.

Imagine this scenario: You are at work one day and receive an email announcing that a colleague (who joined the organization later than you) was promoted above you or received a key assignment you were hoping for. Like a team player, you congratulate your coworker, but you quietly seethe about the lost opportunity. 

What did you do wrong? Why weren’t you the one to receive that raise or plum project? These are questions you may have, but might never ask out loud.

This may be a familiar experience. And it’s a lesson, too. As Black women, we are often on the front lines for social justice and quick to speak up for others. But when it comes to our personal needs, some of us might be reluctant to rally for ourselves. Self-advocacy is an important life skill that you need to create the life you want and deserve.

You may not have adopted self-advocacy growing up if your parents didn’t allow you to have a voice in the home, or if you never witnessed it in practice because they didn’t know how to advocate for themselves in a hostile world. Without the ability to identify what you want and ask for it unapologetically, you may have allowed others to take advantage or walk all over you.

But it’s never too late to learn self-advocacy and the ability to speak up for what matters to you. You have responsibilities, such as putting in the work, but you also have rights – including the right to be heard and treated equally.

What Stops You from Speaking Up?

I often explore this issue in my therapy practice. Some clients don’t self-advocate because they fear rejection or an angry response if they do stand up for themselves. That is the case at work as well as in relationships, where women often wait and wait for a partner to take the next step out of fear of losing them if they ask for what they want. 

Another barrier to self-advocacy might be settling for another person’s vision of who you are. Just because a boss doesn’t see you in a leadership position or doesn’t recognize your contributions doesn’t mean you have to accept their perspective.

Racism and sexism may also be factors. If you consciously or unconsciously assumed that a certain opportunity would never be open to a woman or a person of color, you might never go for it. The experience of bias or microaggressions might also cause you to hold back. 

Becoming Your Own Advocate

Learning to speak up for yourself can seem daunting. But you can do it with some internal examination and these steps:

Clarify Your Values. To practice self-advocacy, you need to first identify what you value, whether that’s in a career or in a relationship. What matters to you most in this situation?  What do you need? Try this exercise to help you discover your core values and write them down.

Find the Right Time. Once you are clear about your values, like any new skill, self-advocacy takes planning. If you want to ask for a promotion or new title to match your growing responsibilities, think through who you will ask, where and when. Your next one-on-one meeting or an annual review might be the ideal opportunity. 

Make Your Case. Prepare your argument: What contributions have you made that warrant the new position? If you can quantify how you’ve improved the bottom line or cite examples of achievements, it will build your confidence and increase the likelihood you’ll be heard. 

Get Feedback. Ask a mentor, friend, career coach or therapist to role-play with you and provide feedback. Even making the ask of an empty chair can have benefits. 

Plan for Plan B. Finally, decide what you will do if the answer is no. It may be enough for you to have stated what you want. But if it’s not, consider asking your boss what you need to do to earn the promotion or raise. Do you need to receive additional training? Or volunteer for a high-profile project? Or you might simply decide it’s time to dust off your resume and to move on.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the process of self-advocacy is the same: zero in on what you value and want, practice the conversation you will have, and consider what you’ll do if your partner doesn’t respond the way you hoped. By asking for a commitment, you might get it. But if you are disappointed, you’ll walk away with a stronger sense of who you are and what you need to be happy.

Whatever happens at work or in life, standing up for your values will give you a greater sense of agency and strength in knowing you are responsible for your life.