In recent months, a series of news stories focused attention on the plight of Black women in academia. First, Harvard’s former president, Claudine Gay, was publicly lambasted during a Congressional hearing about antisemitism on college campuses. Within weeks, she was forced out of her job. In January, news broke about the suicide of Antoinette “Bonnie” Candia-Bailey, vice president of student affairs at Lincoln University in Missouri. In an email sent the day she died, Candia-Bailey had told a friend that she suffered from harassment and bullying at work.

These events triggered alarm among Black women across the country. They led to organized webinars and forums, as well as informal conversations about how sisters in academia are under assault. During one panel that I attended, “Saving Ourselves, Saving Our Sistas,” a group of Black female panelists from academia talked about the need to invite mental health professionals into future discussions and shared their self-care routines. 

It’s no surprise that Black women are under assault – and it’s not just in academia. Many of us working in different sectors are suffering with workplace bullies or feeling isolated and alone while under institutional attack. From sisters in leadership level and in ivory towers, to Black women working at the post office or airline counters. These attacks are even more troubling because they coincide with the end of institutional programs designed to level the playing field, like affirmative action, or to provide support like diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) initiatives. 

The self-care that Black female experts have called for is important but may not be enough. The types of gatherings spurred by the loss of Candia-Bailey are another solution. They are examples of community care, which is a part of self-care. Community building is especially needed in our individualistic society, which is a source of our struggle. By forging alliances and actively building community, we can help to mitigate the isolation that so many of us feel.  

Consider ways to create community. Start by doing some self-reflection. You may want to write out answers to the following questions: 

• What kind of community would be helpful to me? 

• What would I need from that community and what can I contribute? 

• Who can I enlist to help or to co-create and share responsibility for the community I seek?

Here are some ways to build connection and community:

• Find your tribe. Gathering with others who have similar experiences, interests, and goals is an important part of building community. You could connect with women who share your racial, ethnic or cultural background. They could be working in your industry or in an area that is related to something you’re interested in. The idea is to build a support system where you share goals and values. Post an invitation on your social media and send an email, inviting like minds – trusted friends and colleagues – to join you at an appointed time and you could start meeting virtually. Have a loose agenda, focusing on why you are there. One goal could be to eventually share your worst experiences and biggest dreams. You could list possible topics like setting boundaries, responding to bullies, and getting rest to avoid burnout. Encourage one another to be brave while setting ground rules for confidentiality. Whoever has the mic gets to speak and the group can hold space for any individual who is struggling. An action could be gathering and sharing information and resources, and agreeing on ways to hold each other accountable. Plan to meet again and consider regularly scheduled meetings. Over time, you can collectively clarify the mission of your group.  

• Seek a workplace mentor or sponsor. A mentor is an individual who can give you guidance and coaching, while a sponsor takes their advocacy for you a step further by helping you to climb the ladder at your job or in your career. With either, it’s important to make sure your relationship is a two-way street, that you are thinking about and offering ways to be supportive to them, too. Your contribution to them could be through providing your perspective or time or talent should they need it. Keep in mind that our mentors don’t always have to be Black. Also, consider being a mentor to someone else. 

• Take action. Join organized groups that allow you to connect with others in ways that don’t involve work. For example, organizations like GirlTrek or Black Girls Run offer solidarity around taking care of your health through physical activity. Higher Heights for America is a political action committee that hosts virtual events and provides information about Black women running for office. Another option is to be more active in a group you already belong to, like by joining a committee within your sorority or house of worship. If you are not inclined to join an organization or committee, you could simply register with a group you support to receive information and potentially volunteer on a limited basis. However you choose to participate will help build connection around issues that interest you. 

• Reach out. Be intentional about staying in touch with friends, colleagues and associates – both new and old. Put it on your calendar like an appointment to ensure you will make a call or connect virtually with the people in your life. 

Lately it seems like a day doesn’t go by without some challenge to our identities as Black folk. States are passing laws to suppress the teaching of Black history, books featuring Black characters or stories are being pulled from school and library shelves, and Black scholars like Nicole Hannah Jones and Kimberlé Crenshaw are targets of attack. 

This opposition to our culture and heritage is not new, but it seems to be intensifying and filled with more animus. Hard-fought gains are being eroded as affirmative action continues to be chipped away and diversity and inclusion programs are questioned or abandoned altogether. This onslaught of anti-blackness strikes at the very core of who we are -- and our identities as Black people. It puts us on the defensive and threatens to undermine our sense of self. It’s a wake-up call to recognize what’s happening and clap back.

In an upcoming book that I am co-authoring about Black women and resilience, we speak about the power of identity and the role it plays in the lives of Black women. Black women can thrive in the face of racism if we know who we are – if we embrace our history, acknowledging the places of struggle while working to rise above our circumstances. Discovering the internal self is about embracing those qualities and characteristics that are uniquely ours and feeling safe enough to be our most authentic selves. 

Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny.

Identity has become a loaded word, associated with "identity politics," "wokeness" and other polarizing ideas. Owning our identity means recognizing and celebrating our culture, our individual stories, our collective stories, our values. All of that factors into what makes each of us unique. It also gives us common ground and a collective sense of purpose. Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny. Without a clear sense of identity, we may easily fall prey to stereotypes – how others view us and who they say we are.

As we reflect on this past Black History Month and celebrate Women’s History Month, it’s the perfect time to reflect on and celebrate all that makes us who we are. But how can you reaffirm your sense of self?

Here are ways to reframe the concept of identity and use it to your advantage. 

Name and claim who you are. Choose a word that describes something about you. It may be something that others do not know or see. Consider what makes you unique and be sure you choose a positive word. Maybe you describe yourself as “playful” or “creative” or “determined.” If you’re not sure, ask a close friend for suggestions. Once you settle on a word, write it down and then describe at least three ways in which you live out that aspect of yourself. Then describe at least three ways in which you plan to express it more in the future. 

Explore your people’s history. Talk to an elder in your family or community to learn about your people, who they are and how they came to be. Flip through old family photographs to start the conversation. Is there a story that has been passed down that you can learn more about? Does someone in your family have a name (or nickname) that you want to know more about? You can look into DNA testing for African Americans to go further back into your family tree. Who were your ancestors? What were they like? Where did they live? What did they do? Consider how they have contributed to who you are today. 

Learn about your own name. If you don’t already know the story behind your name, find out. If you were named after an ancestor or historical figure, do a little digging to discover more about them. Does your name have a meaning? Explore its significance.

Be clear about your values. In many ways we are our values, or the beliefs that guide and motivate us. To strengthen your identity, bring into focus what matters most to you. Maybe it's family or community or social justice. Try this 10-minute values exercise. In what ways are you, or could you be, living these values more fully? 

Express yourself. As Black people, we often talk about code-switching to adapt to the environment we’re in. There is a time and place for that, but we also owe it to ourselves to be ourselves wherever we are. Whether at work or at home, fill it with family photos, artwork and books that reflect your identity and values. Wear jewelry or clothing that expresses your true self. Share ethnic food at a work potluck or lunch. Surround yourself with elements that reflect your Black identity.

Write and reflect. Revisit Dr. Maya Angelou’s anthem to self-awareness and resilience, Still I Rise. Use the following prompts to explore your personal history and embrace your identity. Write to one, two or all three prompts.

1. In the poem, Dr. Angelou is letting someone know that it doesn’t matter how they perceive her – how she sees herself is what matters. Write a brief letter to someone describing how you see yourself, and even how your perception might challenge theirs.

2. Dr. Angelou writes: I rise – Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave…

What gifts do you bring from your ancestors? How are you using them or how do you intend to use them?

3. What words or lines speak to you the most? Write about why.

Once you’re done, take a few minutes and review what you wrote. Write three feeling words that reflect how you feel when you read your own words. How does your writing inform how you see yourself?

Imagine this scenario: You are at work one day and receive an email announcing that a colleague (who joined the organization later than you) was promoted above you or received a key assignment you were hoping for. Like a team player, you congratulate your coworker, but you quietly seethe about the lost opportunity. 

What did you do wrong? Why weren’t you the one to receive that raise or plum project? These are questions you may have, but might never ask out loud.

This may be a familiar experience. And it’s a lesson, too. As Black women, we are often on the front lines for social justice and quick to speak up for others. But when it comes to our personal needs, some of us might be reluctant to rally for ourselves. Self-advocacy is an important life skill that you need to create the life you want and deserve.

You may not have adopted self-advocacy growing up if your parents didn’t allow you to have a voice in the home, or if you never witnessed it in practice because they didn’t know how to advocate for themselves in a hostile world. Without the ability to identify what you want and ask for it unapologetically, you may have allowed others to take advantage or walk all over you.

But it’s never too late to learn self-advocacy and the ability to speak up for what matters to you. You have responsibilities, such as putting in the work, but you also have rights – including the right to be heard and treated equally.

What Stops You from Speaking Up?

I often explore this issue in my therapy practice. Some clients don’t self-advocate because they fear rejection or an angry response if they do stand up for themselves. That is the case at work as well as in relationships, where women often wait and wait for a partner to take the next step out of fear of losing them if they ask for what they want. 

Another barrier to self-advocacy might be settling for another person’s vision of who you are. Just because a boss doesn’t see you in a leadership position or doesn’t recognize your contributions doesn’t mean you have to accept their perspective.

Racism and sexism may also be factors. If you consciously or unconsciously assumed that a certain opportunity would never be open to a woman or a person of color, you might never go for it. The experience of bias or microaggressions might also cause you to hold back. 

Becoming Your Own Advocate

Learning to speak up for yourself can seem daunting. But you can do it with some internal examination and these steps:

Clarify Your Values. To practice self-advocacy, you need to first identify what you value, whether that’s in a career or in a relationship. What matters to you most in this situation?  What do you need? Try this exercise to help you discover your core values and write them down.

Find the Right Time. Once you are clear about your values, like any new skill, self-advocacy takes planning. If you want to ask for a promotion or new title to match your growing responsibilities, think through who you will ask, where and when. Your next one-on-one meeting or an annual review might be the ideal opportunity. 

Make Your Case. Prepare your argument: What contributions have you made that warrant the new position? If you can quantify how you’ve improved the bottom line or cite examples of achievements, it will build your confidence and increase the likelihood you’ll be heard. 

Get Feedback. Ask a mentor, friend, career coach or therapist to role-play with you and provide feedback. Even making the ask of an empty chair can have benefits. 

Plan for Plan B. Finally, decide what you will do if the answer is no. It may be enough for you to have stated what you want. But if it’s not, consider asking your boss what you need to do to earn the promotion or raise. Do you need to receive additional training? Or volunteer for a high-profile project? Or you might simply decide it’s time to dust off your resume and to move on.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the process of self-advocacy is the same: zero in on what you value and want, practice the conversation you will have, and consider what you’ll do if your partner doesn’t respond the way you hoped. By asking for a commitment, you might get it. But if you are disappointed, you’ll walk away with a stronger sense of who you are and what you need to be happy.

Whatever happens at work or in life, standing up for your values will give you a greater sense of agency and strength in knowing you are responsible for your life.

Fall is here, and it’s that time of year when most of us have reluctantly returned from vacation and rolled up our sleeves to get back to work. But as you dive back into your to-do list, it’s important to remember to make rest an essential part of your routine throughout the year. Without rest, you risk exhausting your resources and burning out. Rest, like sleep, is necessary for recharging your batteries, and just like nutrients from food, you need your vitamin “R”.

Research has shown that rest in the form of naps can reduce fatigue and boost alertness. This type of rest can improve your mental creativity and physical performance. Getting appropriate rest can also support you in maintaining a healthy weight, as a lack of sleep has been linked to increased appetite and a slowing of metabolism.

So what exactly is rest and how do you integrate it into your life? Here are some restful strategies that are relaxing and restorative. 

Walk in nature. At a park or other natural setting, take a stroll. Make sure to focus your attention on what you experience with your senses – the color of leaves, the sound of birds chirping, the scent of flowers, the feel of a breeze or the sun on your skin. Immersing yourself in nature can be profoundly revitalizing.

Write to reflect. After your nature walk, take a few minutes to reflect on what you saw and experienced, and how it made you feel. You can write about whatever comes to mind, and over time, about any seasonal changes you notice. You can also use a writing technique such as a sentence-stem, where you fill in the blank: "One thing that made me smile on my walk today was ___________ because ____________."

Meditate. Regular meditation can also help you relax deeply and even get better sleep. There are dozens of guided meditations online or available via meditation apps like Smiling Mind that can help you quiet the mind, decrease your stress, increase self awareness and slow your heart rate. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

Practice yoga. Similar to meditation, yoga can help facilitate rest. Yoga naturally activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which then tells the body to chill out. But you don’t have to twist yourself into a pretzel. Visit a local yoga studio for an introductory class or try these simple poses to get the rest you need. You can also check out yogi and self-care resources that specifically cater to Black folks. 

Tune out “noise”. What prevents us from resting? The constant ding of our phones, negative media reports, toxic people in our lives. Turn your phone off at the end of the day or block notifications; limit news-watching or scrolling to no more than an hour; and respond to negative people when you are ready (if at all) and have gotten rest. 

Have a bedtime routine. Create a restful environment by blocking light, choosing comfy bedding and keeping the temperature cool. Get in the habit of going to bed at the same time each night and aim to get at least 7 hours of shut-eye to revitalize all your body’s systems. 

Take personal days and vacation. Too many of us don’t take all of our paid time off, driven by a sense of duty or unhealthy work ethic. Take the days you’ve earned. Look at the year ahead and be thoughtful about blocking off time for your next long vacation and some long weekends throughout the year. Connecting with friends on a getaway, or even scheduling your own “mental health” day can do wonders for your well-being. 

Looking for additional support for your mental wellness?

My counseling practice offers women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. Join us!

Nickole Hannah-Jones channeling Audre Lorde’s “I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.” (Photo credit: Instagram post of Nikole Hannah-Jones)

You may have heard about the controversy around Nikole Hannah-Jones’ recent decision to join Howard University’s faculty instead of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This Pulitzer-Prize-winning journalist and creator of the New York Times groundbreaking 1619 Project, was highly qualified to receive tenure at her alma mater, UNC, where she had been invited to teach. But the university’s board of trustees denied her tenure, and it took a whirlwind of social media backlash and news stories to push the board to take another vote and reverse its decision. 

Hannah-Jones’s decision is a powerful lesson in why it’s important to go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. 

Hannah-Jones wrote about how hurtful and embarrassing the experience was for her, but says that discomfort also motivated her to do what was best for her. If she had accepted the position at UNC after knowing they initially rejected her, she would have been in an uncomfortable situation that she was forcing to work. Declining UNC’s tainted offer took a lot of courage; but her prestigious tenured position as the first Knight Chair in Race and Journalism at Howard University -- where leaders at the school went out of their way to rally to secure the resources to bring her on board -- will most likely be better for Hannah-Jones not only professionally, but spiritually and emotionally. She will also establish the Center for Journalism and Democracy, which the university says will train aspiring journalists in "the investigative skills and historical and analytical expertise needed to cover the crisis our democracy is facing."

How many of us have been in a situation like Hannah-Jones, where we were given lemons and expected to make lemonade while pretending to be happy about it?  Whether it’s slighted at work or in an unfulfilling relationship that we needed to leave? What we can take from watching her experience unfold is how to determine whether we are thriving in a situation or just making it work. 

When you’re thriving in a situation, you’re happy, connected, and engaged. When you’re just making it work, you're likely not fulfilled, which can lead to sadness, apathy, and isolation. Sometimes making the decision to walk away is difficult because we start to make calculations about what we could live with and why. We might say we’re too old to make a change, we might be afraid to let go or we’ll try to convince ourselves that things aren’t so bad. But when you try to stay in a situation that isn’t ideal, you will sacrifice your wellbeing. 

Jones gives props to Howard University, also referred to as “The Mecca.” (Photo credit: Instagram post of Nikole Hannah-Jones)

What’s your cost of making it work? 

It’s important to evaluate your situation and figure out what’s good for you. Here are some questions to consider:

• Am I being fulfilled by the work that I’m doing or the relationship that I’m in?

• Am I lowering my expectations to keep this person in my life, or by staying at this job?

• Am I using my age, financial situation, or another excuse as a reason why I can’t move beyond this?

• If it wasn’t about money, age, or experience, or if all my excuses were wiped off the table, would I still do this? 

• Is this good for me? 

Take some time and write your answers to these questions. When you’re finished, read your answers and consider how you feel and what comes up for you in reading what you wrote. Use what comes up to help you decide if you are in a place where you are valued, affirmed, and satisfied. Based on your answer, you can determine your next steps.

When you’re intentional about your joy, you know when it’s time to walk away because the cost of making it work means you’re sacrificing things you are truly passionate about and that feed your soul. And you deserve better than that.

Credit: Syda Productions for Canva

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about people — Black women especially — “protecting my peace” or “protecting my energy.”  What they mean is to set healthy boundaries and to intentionally cultivate joy. They’re able to say, “this doesn’t feel good to me,” to walk away and to make a change in order to preserve their mental wellness.

Tennis superstar Naomi Osaka recently quit the French Open to care for her mental health after being fined and threatened with disqualification for not wanting to speak with the press. “I do hope that people can relate and understand it’s O.K. to not be O.K., and it’s O.K. to talk about it,“ she wrote in Time. And tennis superstar Venus Williams unapologetically told the media how she protects her peace by keeping in mind that she is the one who is the champ, not the people who write about her. In fact, she told them, they can’t hold a candle to her. 

There are songs about protecting your energy, like Jhene Aiko’s “Trigger Protection Mantra,” which is intended to calm you down when you’re feeling upset, and Mary J. Blige’s classic “No More Drama,” where she sings passionately about cutting off toxic relationships. 

On a personal level, some of my friends talk about how they took up hobbies like cooking or journaling through the pandemic because it put them in a positive and peaceful space. One colleague, Shawnee Benton Gibson, has done a lot of transformational work around how stressors in life can affect Black women’s health. She talks about how high vibrations leave you feeling uplifted and contribute to your happiness, while low vibrations can contribute to sadness and distress. 

Toughing out situations that aren’t beneficial to our mental health used to be seen as a measure of strength. But these days many of us recognize the changes we need to make in how we respond to life’s curveballs. Plus, responding to the pandemic in the last year or so led many of us to reflect on what really matters in life, and what no longer serves us. Many people are rethinking how they move through the world, and how they show up for themselves and for others.

This re-evaluation of values and priorities is leading us to search for better-paying, more fulfilling work at places where our contributions and presence and presence of mind are valued. We’re scheduling time in nature, and time to rest and restore. We’re finding support to help us move through profound losses and change, and we’re finding accountability partners and no longer spending time with people who traffic in negativity. The person who is always complaining about stuff but never has solutions? She’s sitting off somewhere on the sidelines of our game.

Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her empowering 1937 novel, Their Eyes Were Watching God: “Black women are the mules of the world. They carry the load that white men, white women, and Black men refuse to carry; they do the work no one wants to do, without praise or thanks.” 

We’re finally putting those days behind us. 

Take a moment to journal about what might need to change in your life and what action you need to take to change it in order to protect your peace. Pick up hobbies that bring you joy, or as Sister Shawnee might say, “raise your vibration.” Listen to music that lifts your mood, and most importantly, set your boundaries and remain firm in your intentions so that you can lead a positive and more fulfilled life. Protecting your energy isn’t just a saying; it’s a way of being.

So they still know how to let the good times roll in New Orleans!

I had an amazing experience there recently, as well as the honor to share the stage with some phenomenal women to discuss smart, simple ways that we can take better care of ourselves.

The panel, "Health Journeys and Transformations," was part of ESSENCE magazine's spectacular ESSENCE Fest, a 4th of July weekend jam-packed with great music, empowering, uplifting dialogues, rich, flavorful food and parties all night long!  

The panel covered a wide range of topics, from how to eat more healthfully to the importance of getting in regular exercise to thriving in spite of health challenges such as diabetes, digestive problems or severe alopecia (hair loss). 

One of the delights of the Fest was meeting the talented and suave actor Blair Underwood and his lovely wife and children. They all look to be the epitome of health!

Here are some of the highlights from my whirlwind weekend:

For video: Panelists included Denise Warren, far right, founder of Body by Denise fitness center in New York City, and Laschaunda Cogburn and Michele Bercy, two of her clients who, combined, have lost hundreds of pounds!

Talking "Health Journeys and Transformations" before more than 3,000 people. Dr. Aletha Maybank, left, myself, interior designer and author Sheila Bridges and moderator Sharon Boone, ESSENCE's health editor. 

The one and only fine and friendly Blair Underwood! So great to connect with him and his fam. Catch him in "Ironside" on NBC this fall!

Greeting guests at the book-signing for my book No Secrets No Lies. During that power hour, I also had the pleasure to get to know the gorgeous and talented interior designer Sheila Bridges, whose searing new memoir, The Bald Mermaid, explores her experience of losing her hair to alopecia.

My all-access Talent pass.

Panel's done-- now time to play!

Caught Les Nubians schooling folks on their Afropean soul in one of the intimate superlounges.

Did I mention the crowds? More than 500k -- a record for ESSENCE in New Orleans!