As a child growing up with asthma, I was often cautioned against strenuous physical activity out of fear that I might have trouble breathing or suffer an attack. My mother disagreed and encouraged me to try. On the other hand, my father and other relatives suggested I stick to what they considered safer, less physically demanding pastimes.

Even with my mother’s support, the belief that I couldn’t engage in challenging activities stuck with me over the years. I would do short runs or sprints but avoided long-distance running. As an adult, I was the queen of power-walking, until one day, while I was walking on a track in Harlem, an older woman ran right past me, her silver locks flowing with each step. Just seeing her out there inspired me, so I decided to give distance running a chance.

Today, after building up to longer runs over time, I can run a half hour without getting winded or provoking my asthma. Now I can confidently say that I am a runner, and it is a part of my identity.

The beliefs we hold about ourselves often stem from messages we received as children. They’re influenced by our families, by our peers and even by the media we consume. Those messages shape our identity in the present and can be quite persistent. But as adults we have the ability to shift our perspective and re-story our lives.   

Have you ever had the experience of going home for a reunion or family gathering and suddenly feeling like you did when you were a child or teenager? Old family dynamics come into play and relatives might view you and treat you the same way they did years ago. They don’t realize you’ve changed. Next thing you know, you may even find yourself responding to those family members as you did in the past. 

But you don’t have to be a prisoner to what other people think or how they see you. Our minds have what’s called neuroplasticity, or the ability to adapt. From the time we are born, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to changing needs, enabling us to learn and grow from experience throughout our lives. 

In other words, we have the power to change our identity or who we think we are.

Plot Twist: How to Re-Story Our Lives

Be mindful. On your way to a family gathering or in the moment, you can use mindfulness to keep yourself anchored in the present. You can silently say to yourself, “I am here today. It’s 2022,” or something more specific like, “I don’t have to take my cousin/sibling/in-law picking on me. I am not that person anymore.”

Set boundaries. To protect yourself from negative messages from relatives or peers, make a list of at least 10 boundaries you will enforce. For example, you can set a limit for how much time you will spend at a gathering and not feel guilty about leaving early. If people start to gossip, you can make a point of not being a part of those conversations. You can say “no” when pressured to do something you want to do. You can also set boundaries around when you are available by text or phone, and choose whether to respond to toxic messages.

Check your values. Messages from others can make us question our own choices. That’s why it can help to remind yourself what’s most important to you by engaging in what’s called a values exercise. How it works: Write out the values that resonate with you, such as balance or freedom or service. Organize the values into groups of similar ones, then attach a verb to your top values (“live in balance”) to express how you intend to put them into action. Make artwork from your top four or five values, frame it, and display it someplace meaningful to you. Engaging creatively can strengthen your relationship with your values.

Question “shoulds”. A sign we may be living by others’ expectations is frequent use of the word “should,” as in “I should be married/have kids by now” or “I should own a certain type of home/car”. If you find yourself thinking this way, try the values exercise above. When the word “should” starts to arise, you can choose affirming thoughts like, “I’m single and satisfied” instead.

Decide what's next. Now that you've identified limiting beliefs and new possibilities, how can you stretch yourself? In what ways can you grow? For me, I'm exploring a 5K and possibly even building up to a marathon. What's next for you?

Consider counseling. If you are struggling with letting go of old ideas about yourself, therapy might help. In addition to talk therapy, consider poetry therapy or drama therapy to help cultivate self-awareness and relational awareness.

Remember: You’ve always had the power to determine who you are and how you show up. Using these tools can help you activate it.

Mass shootings. War. A near-coup in the U.S. Lingering COVID cases. Another looming public health crisis. The continuing fight for justice, and so much more. All of this bad news popping up on our smartphones and TV screens every day has many of us feeling unsettled and unsafe. We barely have time to recover from one collective trauma before we face the next one. This feeling of unease is compounded for Black folks because we also live with the daily reality that we could be the targets of racially motivated discrimination and violence.

As “strong Black women” we may be tempted to ignore these feelings which may create anxiety and depression, and instead try to “push through.” This is what we’ve seen many of our mothers and grandmothers do. Our ancestors had to persevere against formidable odds. Their strength and endurance is how they survived, creating opportunities for the next generation. But that ability to keep on keepin' on has come at a price to their physical, mental and spiritual health and well-being. Today, we can release that SBW stereotype.

We don’t have to be strong in the face of extraordinarily difficult events, and more of us are starting to recognize that. In my practice, I am receiving more inquiries from Black people – Black women in particular – who are ready to process their experiences and emotions. That is a clear break from the past when we avoided counseling because of stigma and false ideas about what it means to be strong. 

And in recent years, high-profile athletes like Simon Biles and Naomi Osaka have presented a new model of strength. By putting themselves and their mental wellness first, they demonstrated a new way of being strong; by acknowledging that it’s okay to not be okay.

What would it mean for you to redefine strength? Like Simon Biles, it could mean setting boundaries, which is what the champion athlete did when she bowed out of some of her Olympic competitions in Tokyo. Or like Naomi Osaka -- who withdrew from the French Open and refused to endure the obligatory and sometimes disrespectful media interviews -- it meant saying no. Despite pressure and criticism, they both did what was best for them and not for others. 

A New Image of Strength

Here are some ways to reconsider what it means to be a strong Black woman.

Look for new role models. In the past, strength may have been defined by enduring a bad marriage, a toxic work environment or constantly doing for others. Instead, think about people in your life or in the public eye who you admire and who exemplify a different type of strength by being independent, by defying expectations or putting themselves first.

Connect with your feelings. Take a few minutes at the beginning or the end of every day to be still, be quiet and ask yourself, How am I feeling? Then write it down. To make things interesting, try it as a six-word memoir. We are so used to rushing through our experiences and not connecting them to how they make us feel, so it’s important to slow down and find ways to process our emotions. (If you're a Black woman who works in white spaces, this is especially important. To get support, you can sign up for my upcoming "Working While Black" group on September 20, 2022. We use literature and lyrics to explore self-love, striving, thriving and more.)

Commit to self-care. Audre Lorde called self-care a “radical act.” When you are feeling sad or overwhelmed, ask yourself what you need to feel better. It could be a call to a good friend, to take a walk outside or even to sleep. Try to avoid doing things that could make you feel worse like misusing alcohol or drugs, or binging on food, TV or social media. 

Rethink physical strength. We often think of strength as measured in physical endurance or power. But being strong can also mean being mobile and active, which generates feel-good endorphins that help lessen sadness and depression. It can also mean being flexible or having the endurance to climb stairs without getting winded.

Show yourself some grace. Don’t be so hard on yourself if it takes a while to break some old habits. Give yourself credit for coming this far in the face of enormous challenges, and recognize when you have benefitted from prioritizing your well-being. That is also a form of strength.

Picture this:  A Black woman with a natural hairstyle like twists or cornrows joins her co-workers for lunch. One of them, a white woman, reaches out to touch her hair, tossing it gently, while saying, “Your hairstyle is so pretty. How long does it take you to do that?”

The Black woman pauses, unsure how to respond to this unwanted intrusion into her physical and emotional space. She tries to think of a response that is polite yet firm. Should she say ‘thank you’ and change the subject? Or should she say, ‘As much time as it takes you to get your roots dyed blonde’?

For many Black women, having our hair touched or becoming the subject of fascination is a common microaggression. The focus on our hairstyles and incredulous tone of questions about them creates the sense that there is something abnormal or exotic about what is perfectly normal to us. Even if a comment is meant as a compliment, it can feel like a slight, a way for a privileged person to other-ize us.

Defined by Columbia University psychologist Derald Wing Sue as “everyday insults, indignities and demeaning messages sent to people of color by well-intentioned white people who are unaware of the hidden messages being sent,” microaggressions can have harmful and lasting impacts on people of color. They can also affect people based on gender identity, sexual orientation, and more. (We may also experience macroaggressions, which affect whole groups or populations, otherwise known as systemic racism.) 

Another example is the assumption we may have landed a job or promotion just because we’re Black, which suggests we’re not smart enough or could not have achieved on our own merits. When a conservative talk show host asked to see Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s LSAT scores, he was insinuating that her race played a part in her admission to Harvard Law School. During the confirmation hearings, when Senator John Kennedy called Brown Jackson “articulate,” it was a reminder of the many times that word has been applied to Black people as if we are not expected to be articulate despite years of education. 

How many of us have been followed around in a store while shopping? Or worse, been completely ignored by either a salesperson or fellow customer who cuts in line and says, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” When director Jane Campion told Venus and Serena Williams while she was accepting a Critics Choice Award that they were “marvels” but did not have to compete with men as she did, she was not only wrong (they’ve played against men in tennis doubles) but she erased all of their achievements with one thoughtless comment. 

When Black women raise these issues at work or try to explain them to their white peers, we may get responses like “That’s not about race,” “I don’t see color/race” or “You’re being too sensitive.”  These comments, too, are microaggressions because they deny who we are and what we know we’re experiencing. They may cause us to doubt ourselves, question our perceptions, and hesitate to speak up again.

Day after day these insults and indignities can add up, like “death by 1,000 cuts,” causing anxiety, stress, anger, and over time, depression. These effects on our mental health can manifest as physical problems like headaches and muscle tension when we are faced with certain people or situations. The impact may be more serious if you have already experienced racial trauma, an accumulation of negative racialized experiences.

How to Manage the Microaggressions

When it comes to microaggressions you don’t have to just take them and suffer to keep the peace. Here are tips to handle them gracefully and protect your well-being. 

Don’t let even small slights slide. If a colleague or stranger reaches out to touch your hair, you are perfectly within your rights to say, “That makes me uncomfortable” or like Solange once sang, “Don’t touch my hair.” If they ask why, say something like, “It’s an invasion of my space and privacy. I wouldn’t expect to be able to touch your hair. Why do you think it’s okay to touch mine?”  It is healthy to set this boundary.

Write about it. To cope with microaggressions, it might be helpful to express your feelings in writing. Try this structured writing exercise below from psychotherapist and writing-for-healing expert Kathleen Adams to help you go deeper in exploring those feelings. 

Consider a situation or recent experience and finish each of the seven sentences stems with a sentence or two. Expect to take 10-15 minutes to complete this exercise. 

When you're done, read and reflect on your writing to explore what thoughts or feelings it brings up. Consider what surprises you or inspires you to make a change. Take another few minutes to write about your reflection.

I want to write about ... 

The first thing that comes to mind is ... 

Below the surface I find ... 

The challenge here is ... 

In order to move forward, I ... 

I can ask for help/support from ... 

My next step is ... 

Commiserate with your sister circle. Share what happened with peers who will understand and affirm your feelings. Or watch this clip from Insecure for examples of how to cope and have a good laugh at the same time. This strategy can be especially helpful when you can’t confront a microaggression because of who it’s coming from (i.e. your boss).

Consider speaking up. If a microaggression or macroaggression is really bothering you or is repeated, it may be time to take a stand. While you weigh whether to say something, ask yourself if you’ll regret not saying something.

Respond with an “I” statement. Start with “I feel _______ when you say/do this.” It may be that you simply felt uncomfortable or diminished. Keep the focus on the impact on you rather than the person’s bad behavior.

If you want to talk more about navigating microaggressions and other work-related challenges Black women face, sign up now for my Working While Black: Sisters Writing and RIsing support group on Tuesday evenings.

In recent weeks, news of high-profile acts of bullying flooded our TV screens and social media. Among them, is the outrageous disrespect that soon-to-be Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson endured during days of hostile questioning from opportunistic Senators, and actor Will Smith’s assault of comedian Chris Rock for telling an insensitive joke about Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith. (In this case, one might see the bully in Chris Rock as well as in Will Smith.)

But bullies menace outside of politics and entertainment, as many of us, might remember from the playgrounds of our childhood. Some of us face bullies every day – at work and even within our own families. What’s important is that you know how to spot them, and how to survive them.

A bully is someone who abuses their power to intimidate or harm another person. This abuse can be emotional or physical. A bully’s power can stem from their official position – like a senator who has the authority to deny a nominee their confirmation, a boss who has the ability to hire or fire, or an older family member or more senior member of a group – or their physical size and strength. Power can also be derived from economic or social standing, which might come from being socially savvy or perceived as popular or charismatic. Either way, the threat felt by the person being bullied is real and frightening.

A bully could be motivated by the need for attention or resentment regarding their status or the unfairness of life. Some bullies, like an intimidating boss or co-worker, may be jealous or want to rob a more vulnerable individual of a real or perceived advantage, like better skills or popularity. 

For African-Americans, bullying can be doubly harmful because it’s motivated by racism from those who resent perceived “preferences,” or who fear a loss of their status in the workplace or in society. 

Whatever the motivation, the target of bullying can experience lasting harm. Ongoing bullying can cause distress and trauma, especially if it echoes childhood experiences or family dynamics, exposing long-dormant traumas. The experience can make you fearful and avoidant, and lead to anxiety and depression among other mental health issues.  Over time, the stress from ongoing bullying can lead to physical health effects such as high blood pressure. To avoid these problems, here are some steps to stand up to the bully in your life.

• Check-in with yourself. Acknowledge what’s happening to you, how you feel about it, and how those feelings might echo feelings from your past. Does it bring up memories of being bullied as a child? Taking this step of mindfulness will help you connect today’s discomfort with earlier times when you felt vulnerable.

• Write it out. In your journal, write “I feel ________  when I have to interact with this person.” You might be feeling intimidated, small, or afraid to confront the individual or situation in a work context. Whatever the emotion, get it out on paper so you can face it. 

• Speak up. If you feel safe, consider raising the issue directly with the bully. If you’re at work, you may want to discuss it in terms of what you need to do your job effectively. Remain positive and keep the focus on how the bullying behavior affects not only you personally but also how it affects your ability to work. You may also want to write what you intend to say in advance.

• Get help. On the job, you might discuss the issue confidentially with someone in human resources. That way, you go on record as experiencing difficulty in the workplace that is affecting your ability to do your job effectively – and that HR should respond to. 

• Talk to someone. Discuss the problem with peers or a friend or a mentor outside the workplace to get advice and perspective. If you have trusted allies on the job, share the problem with them; you may find you’re not alone in suffering under a bully.

• Document, document. If the bullying is ongoing, keep a record of it, including dates, times, specific conversations, and examples of bad behavior. You may find this documentation useful if you need to get legal advice. 

• Don’t take it personally. Sometimes victims of bullying start to think that something is wrong with them. Recognize the problem lies within the bully, not you. Be compassionate with yourself.

• Consider your exit. No job is worth your emotional and physical health. If the situation does not improve and your employer doesn’t help, update your resume and start looking for greener pastures. 

• Seek mental health support. Talk to a therapist or consider group therapy to help you cope and recover. 

You do not have to accept a bully’s abuse. It may take time to change a situation, but protecting yourself is too important. By taking action, you send a message to the bully, and more importantly, to yourself, that you deserve better.   

Despite easier access to make connections and to try to find a love match, many people have a hate-hate relationship with dating. First dates may feel awkward, building online profiles may feel tedious, managing them may feel like yet another to-do on your list, and – no matter how hard you try – you will probably mismatch somewhere along the way. If you’re recovering from a broken heart, or your heart is hardened from years of strife, you may have a hard time being vulnerable again.

But before you give up, consider a fresh perspective and take the approach of “mindful dating.” Dating mindfully means bringing awareness and curiosity to your journey and seeing it as a learning experience. Dating mindfully allows you to be intentional, engaged, and proactive rather than passive, defensive, and reactive. 

Here are some qualities you can develop or strengthen through mindful dating:

• Clarity: As you connect with different people, you can fine-tune what you like and don’t like in your ideal partner. No need to play games or string anybody along if you know you’re not interested. 
  

• Self-reflection. You can learn to spot patterns in behavior – positive and negative – and recognize patterns in potential partners as well. 
  

• Resilience: You’ll learn to move through rejection when things don’t work out – whether you decided it wasn’t a good fit or the other person did. Knowing that you can bounce back can give you the courage to try again. 
  

• Confidence: Knowing that you have options and that you’re choosing to meet new people can empower you and boost your self-esteem. I like to think of dating as akin to attending a cocktail party. You go with the intention of having fun, meeting interesting people, and being interesting yourself. You don’t expect to put too much emphasis on any one person because you are in meet-and-mingle mode. At a party, there will be some people you click with more than others. The same goes for dating. 
  

• Self-respect: Responding to people who behave badly (like “ghosting,” an unfortunate reality of today’s dating culture), gives you an opportunity to refine your boundaries and improve your ability to maintain them.
  

• Assertiveness: Ask for what you want, and make clear what you don’t want. You might feel vulnerable and worry about “losing” a potential partner if you speak up; but know that the person you’re looking for is one who appreciates your authenticity and is not intimidated by you.

Dating doesn’t have to be a dreaded to-do. You have the power to decide how you want to enter into this experience, so set your intentions. Mindful dating allows you to come to the table knowing not only what you have to offer, but also what you can learn. Whether you meet the love of your life or a really good friend, you can become a better version of yourself. 

[Image: Time.com]

In the last couple of weeks, we’ve seen the tragic loss by suicide of two high-profile young Black people: Ian Alexander, Jr., the 26-year-old son of actress Regina King, and the entertainment reporter, a former attorney, and Miss USA pageant winner Cheslie Kryst, 30. It makes us pause when those who seem to have so much going for them determine that suicide is the only option to escape their pain. But mental health challenges don’t discriminate. They can come for you no matter who you are, no matter how much you seem to have in your favor.

The mental health crisis among Black folks – whether they’re in the public eye or not – is an urgent matter that we cannot ignore. Suicide rates among Black youth have been on an alarming uptick for years, especially since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. More people are struggling with depression, anxiety and trauma brought on by illness, loss, uncertainty, and more, and unfortunately, in our communities, there is still a stigma attached to getting support. We can’t keep “being strong” and white-knuckling our way through these difficult days.

If you are concerned about the safety of a loved one, or if you are having suicidal thoughts or experiencing depression, call 911 or find help through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (https://lnkd.in/e4yShMSW ).

For therapy and counseling support, check out one of these listings of clinicians nationwide.

Therapy for Black Girls https://lnkd.in/eQ7mvJ5g
Therapy for Black Men https://lnkd.in/eUW_H5bY
Clinicians of Color https://lnkd.in/ejAY9i2T
Psychology Today https://lnkd.in/eU8AsFZc
Good Therapy https://lnkd.in/eepuaMUp

Also, check with your employee assistance program and insurance plan for available resources. And consider getting trained in Mental Health First Aid, a free course that teaches about mental health and substance use issues and how to respond to someone in crisis. https://lnkd.in/eh-qJuBR

When tragedy happens to celebrities, it’s natural that it gets lots of public attention. Suicide is one of those topics that no one wants to talk about. I hope the wrenching loss of these two young lives helps us to be more willing to talk about hard things.

As we settle into this new year, we’re facing a lot of uncertainty, including ongoing COVID drama and trauma, debates over whether to vax or not to vax, and rethinking how we work and live. As a result, our collective mental health continues to suffer.

While it’s understandable that you might feel anxious or down, knowing how your thoughts can affect how you feel can help you shift from unhealthy, negative emotions to a place of more flexibility and ease. The benefit of shifting? You’ll build coping skills that can sustain you through hard times – whether it’s divisions over COVID, riffs in your family, or challenges at work.

For example, insisting that something must happen in a certain way or someone needs to behave a certain way could lead you to feel anxious, hurt, and rageful – unhealthy negative emotions that can lead to self-defeating behaviors like avoidance or procrastination. That way of thinking is a reflection of being rigid and fixed. Knowing that life doesn’t always deliver what you expect or people don’t always behave the way you want them will help you be more flexible and engage healthy, negative emotions like disappointment, concern, and anger. (Yes, anger can be healthy – and helpful. As Audre Lorde tells us, it’s full of information.)

Instead of thinking something should happen, try thinking, “It would be great if I aced my presentation … but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I don’t.” Or, “I want my parent or friend to apologize for an insensitive remark, but I recognize that they may not.” This allows you to get to a place of acceptance (while still speaking up – note that acceptance doesn’t mean that you sacrifice your values or become a doormat).

This technique is a part of REBT or Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy – a framework rooted in philosophy and focused on perspective. REBT assumes you are a goal-oriented individual and supports you in reaching your goals. It leads you to check in with yourself, challenge negative thoughts and consider other ways of seeing situations. It’s not about what happened to you, it’s about how you perceive it that matters. And changing your perception can change how you feel.

Life is full of uncertainty, and this time is particularly challenging. Even our new norms will continue to be disrupted. Managing your expectations and shifting your perspective will help you to navigate uncertainty and be flexible, adaptable, and resilient in hard times. 

We’re moving into year three of the global pandemic and all of the sadness, anxiety, division, and death that has come with it. And as new variants emerge and stalk us, we’re also coming to terms with the reality that this virus may be a part of our lives for some time.  As a result of the pandemic, many of us are also reflecting deeply on what truly matters. We’re determining what we want – and don’t want – in our lives and what things we might want to shift or get rid of all together. And one of the biggest shifts has been our relationship to work, causing more folks to call it quits than ever before.

“The Great Resignation” is upon us. This term – attributed to Anthony Klotz, an associate professor of management at Texas A&M University – has been used to describe the mass exodus of people from their current jobs in 2021. In April 2021, 2.7% of the U.S. workforce quit their jobs, which was the highest ever recorded at that time, according to recent stats from the US Bureau of Labor and Statistics. Since then, that number continued to increase as 4.3 million Americans, or 2.9% of the workforce, quit in August. 

Some are changing companies, some are changing careers, others are taking less money for more flexibility or taking time off from work completely if they can afford it. For frontline workers, leaving their job was a matter of safety or a reprieve from high levels of stress. As two who were among the reported 552,000 Black women who left the labor force in the past year described in Barron’s, it meant liberation. The women, Jarie A. Bradley and Kristina C. Dove, who chose entrepreneurship as part of their next chapters, shared: “We both left notable careers and leadership positions in 2020 to launch our own businesses. We yearned for the ability to make our own decisions and have ownership of our time and energy.”

The desire to evolve is natural, and goal setting is an important part of that process. Perhaps you’re looking for a career that offers more flexibility so that you can be home more, or perhaps you want to pursue a degree or a certification to level up in your industry. No matter the impetus for your next move, it’s important to be holistic when designing your new path in life. Think about not just what you want to do, but how you want to live. 

And as we move into an uncertain 2022, one way to help you find clarity and certainty is to reflect on your dreams and write your answers to a few pointed questions. Here are three key considerations for mapping out possibilities for what’s next in work and life. 

1. How do I want to live my life?

This is a good time to think about what you value and how you plan to craft your next move. List your top 10 most important factors, such as more time for your children, or caring for your parents or making a difference in your community. You might value being able to have three days off in the middle of the week, or perhaps you need more time to work on yourself. Whatever you value, make sure you center that. 

2. What is the logical path for me to accomplish my goals? 

Is it going back to school, pursuing a credential, or securing an apprenticeship? Once you know what’s most important, consider the possible paths that can get you there. Keep an open mind – the right path might be something you hadn't thought about, or something that surprises you.

3. What are my sources of support? 

Sometimes making a big move in your life causes well-meaning people to project their fears and doubts onto you and try to talk you out of what you know is the right thing to do for yourself. Those seeds of doubt can wreak havoc on your confidence. That is why you need encouragement and support. This support could be a professional organization, former colleagues, mentors, and like-minded friends. Find a tribe of people who have your back so you don’t feel alone. They’ll help you navigate the ins and outs of your new journey. 

As you consider these questions and look within for the answers, be inspired by the poem below by Mary Oliver titled The Journey. It starts with the following words: 

One day you finally knew 

What you had to do, and began, 

Though the voices around you

Kept shouting 

Their bad advice‚ 

Though the whole house 

Began to tremble 

And you felt the old tug 

At your ankles. 

“Mend my life!” 

Each voice cried. 

But you didn’t stop. 

You knew what you had to do…

You can read the full poem here. And if you’d like more motivation, join my community writing event on Tuesday, Dec. 28. Click here for more info and to register. It’s Part 4 of my ’Rona Reset series, titled, “Sowing Seeds of Change and Growth.” This event is intended to get you to explore how you can use your gifts to move forward into the new year with purpose and passion, and to courageously redesign your life. Join here: bit.ly/wakeupmovement

Nearly two years later, it’s safe to say that most of us never could have imagined we would still be battling COVID-19. In 2020, the only defenses we were told we had were masks and social distancing, and people were divided about whether lockdown measures were the right thing to do. We now have broad access to various COVID-19 vaccines, but this has added yet another layer of drama to an already complicated situation: Vaccinated people vs. Unvaccinated people. 

Vaccine mandates in many cities in the U.S. mean that some people are enjoying freedom and mobility that we haven’t experienced since early 2020, while others are having to determine if they can frequent venues they used to, or if they need to leave their jobs altogether. Some unvaccinated people say the mandates affect their ability to earn a living and move freely, and they feel constricted and left out. They also may be apprehensive about sharing their status because of the potential fallout and stigma attached to being unvaccinated, especially from family and friends. 

With the holidays approaching, some folks are making the tough decision to change up their traditions and not visit with some family members, or host vaccinated-only gatherings. These decisions are deeply personal, and this charged environment is causing division and stress. But what vaxxed and unvaxxed have in common is fear, frustration and fatigue, and that could be a starting point for finding common ground and creating more peace for everyone involved. 

A major factor contributing to wariness on both sides is uncertainty. We don’t know how long COVID-19 is going to be around or how much longer our daily lives will be affected. We don’t know if new variants will crop up, and because some folks can be asymptomatic, we may not even know if we or others have the virus. 

Another factor affecting us all is grief. With nearly 770,000 killed in the US alone, the swiftness with which the disease has cleaved through our ranks has put us in a continued state of mourning since 2020. These profound losses can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and depression if not for maintaining connections, rituals, and practices that keep us grounded and lift our spirits.

And we are all coping with change in navigating this new Covid-era landscape. 

The uncertainty, grief, and change all contribute to ongoing stress and trauma that we have experienced, and it often shows up as stress, fear, anxiety, and anger.  

Compounding those emotions is some people’s need to choose a side as if it's “us against them” rather than all of us against the pandemic. 

There’s nothing wrong with standing by how you feel. We’re all making decisions based on the information we have access to, and by weighing our own tolerance for risk.  

But arguing about who’s right won’t solve anything and may endanger already frayed relationships. At this point, it’s probably unlikely that you will convince anyone to agree with you, especially if you’re being dogmatic and judgmental. What we can do to lower the tension in that communication is to set and honor your own boundaries. 

If you’re unvaccinated and still have questions, then stand by that as you adhere to distancing and masking to protect your health and that of others and continue to seek answers from trustworthy sources based on science. Remember that it’s not OK to force others to abide by your health choices. 

If you’re vaccinated and don’t feel comfortable around people who aren’t vaccinated, then stand by that as well. Keep your distance and mask up, and show patience and extend grace to your fellow human beings. Know that many people who aren’t vaccinated feel under attack for their personal decisions. 

We’re all experiencing fear, fatigue, and apprehension in these battle-scarred days of Covid-19; and imposing our views on one another is not a sustainable path forward. We will come out of this much stronger if we agree to disagree -- and each of us does what we need to do to stay safe.

Most of us are familiar with the saying, “in my feelings” -- you may have even used it yourself. The phrase is so popular that it’s reflected in songs by chart-topping artists like singer Ella Mai and rapper Drake. You might also say you “feel some type of way” -- which is an example of saying you’re “in your feelings,” but it is often reserved for describing something negative. But what are you really trying to say -- and why is it so important to be clear?

First, let’s understand what feelings really are. Feelings, which reflect emotions, are a result of your body registering information from your brain. You will often experience a physical reaction. For example, a knot in your gut might be related to excitement or fear, while a fluttering in your belly may be a sign of nervousness. The reactions can be different for different people. A flushed face could signal embarrassment for some, but anger for others. Your feelings and your physical sensations ride in tandem. It’s important that you are aware of these sensations to determine what’s coming up for you. We’re often so in our heads and focused on what we’re thinking and not how we’re feeling. 

It’s no wonder: because so many of us are socialized to not express our feelings, we may never have learned how to be in touch with them. You may remember as a child -- boys especially -- being told not to cry after you scraped your knee, or having an adult tell you “be a big girl” if you express sadness or disappointment. Those people, even if well-intended, likely were trying to get you to stop expressing your feelings because of their own discomfort with what your emotions were bringing up for them.

The phrase “in your feelings” might also be used as a coping mechanism, much like using the phrases “it’s all good” and “I’mma just keep it moving.” It’s a way to say “something’s bothering me, but I’m not going to put my finger on it” -- and by not doing that you cheat yourself out of really understanding what's going on with you. 

As a result, you will struggle to articulate the impact something has on you and to make it clear how you may need a situation to change. This may lead to you feeling “stuck” -- in a toxic relationship or in an unfulfilling job -- because you haven’t identified or communicated what’s really bothering you. It takes self-awareness -- listening to your body -- to know how you feel.

One of my goals as a therapist is to help clients become more fluent in how to interpret their feelings. You may have a hard time naming a feeling and say something like, “He disrespected me.” That’s not a feeling, so my reply to you might be, “You think he disrespected you. But how does that lead you to feel?” I would leave space for you to explore what’s coming up in your body. The feeling from being disrespected may be sad, or embarrassed, or pissed off. 

Here are three simple techniques you can use to better understand and express yourself whenever you feel like you’re in your feelings:

1. Practice mindfulness, or awareness and curiosity without judgement. It can be as simple as five minutes of stillness and deep breathing. Pay attention to what you feel in your body when you have to work with a colleague who you generally try to avoid, or when you need to have a real talk with your partner. Mindfulness is a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger and better it gets.
   
   

2. Take note. Sometimes, I’ll encourage clients to jot down those physical sensations when they happen and note what was going on. The next time we meet, they share their experiences and I help them connect those physical sensations to the emotions they experienced, and how they influence their behaviors. Over time they will learn how to make the important connection between those sensations and their feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
   
   

3. Name your feelings. Ask yourself some questions and use a feeling chart, such as the Gottman Institute’s Feeling Wheel to help you explore the wide range of feelings that you experience but may not be able to identify -- whether that’s anger, loneliness, or another emotion. Or perhaps you're experiencing joy, and you want to be able to connect those dots, too. Maybe sitting in the park, having your toes in the sand at the beach or a certain food or smell makes you nostalgic. Take notice of what those joyful feelings feel like, where they come from, and learn how to stay in that space or get back there when you need to.
   
   

   Our feelings are there to provide us with information. The more fluent you are in that language, the better you will be able to discern the information that you’re receiving. This can help you be truer to yourself and respond in an authentic way. With practice, you can become fluent in the language of feelings.