Start the new year with a magical question…
As we forge ahead into a new year, the idea of resolutions can feel either rote or overwhelming. Even if we set motivating goals, by mid-February we may already feel as if we’ve fallen behind and nothing has changed. We’re ready to give up, and our habits and lives continue as before.
Typically we want to make resolutions because, on some level, we are frustrated or find some part of our lives unsatisfying. In my therapy practice, I often hear clients talk about the intense pressure to perform at work without support or constant concern about being less than perfect. They are employed at a job that pays the bills and then some, but they are not inspired and fulfilled by the work that they do. They want something more but can’t determine what it is or figure out how to get it.
Chasing the next achievement or task on a to-do list may not provide the joy we seek. So how do we think differently about a fresh start or create a new opportunity to change habits? Instead of drafting a list of resolutions or goals you think you should meet, use the inspiration of a New Year to get intentional about what you want to do differently and lay the foundation for a more genuine shift that lasts.
One way to prepare to get unstuck from the past is to take a step back and consider deeper issues about what gives your life meaning. Ask yourself an Adlerian "magical question:"
If you could wave a magic wand and make this change in your life, how would it be different??
This simple question, inspired by the philosopher and psychiatrist Alfred Adler, is powerful and effective. It's one I often pose to clients because to it gives permission to dream, to see how life might unfold and to consider the fears and real or perceived obstacles that might keep you from taking steps to change.
To start this New Year with an open mind and different perspective, I recommend allowing a magical question to guide you as you delve into these three journaling activities. Carve out some quiet time (about 30 minutes total), get comfortable, grab a cup of tea and your favorite pen, and write as you reflect on the following:
1. Identify the issues. Make a list of 3-5 aspects of your life where you feel stuck and would like to see a change. The list might include a relationship, a work issue, finances or self-care. Once you make the list, go back to each item and add a line or two that reflects what you want to change in a given area. Get granular: In your relationship, do you want more passion? What does that look like? More fun? When doing what? At work, do you want more autonomy? More flexibility to work from home? What do you want your typical day to look like?
If you’re unsure about how you'd like to change a particular item on your list, repeat the magical question, focused on a specific issue.
2. Narrow your focus. Now that you have your list of life areas you’d like to change, choose just one that resonates with you the most. Or rank the items in order of importance and choose the one that feels most urgent. Write about why you want to see change in that particular area of your life. Complete these sentences: 1. What makes that issue so important to me is __________. 2. Making a meaningful change in this area will make me _____________. 3. This change fits with my vision for myself to _____________. This step will help you clarify why this matters to you.
3. Write a letter to yourself. Imagine yourself one year from now. Write yourself a letter from your one-year-later perspective about the changes you made in the life area you chose. Assume you were successful in making a difference and congratulate yourself. How did you address any concerns you currently have about making a change? Describe how you overcame any challenges. High-five yourself for working hard, for staying focused, for not letting others’ doubts sow doubts in your own mind and heart – you did that!
Be specific about steps you took each day, each week or each month to bring your change to fruition. Let's say your focus was self-care. Perhaps you lowered you stress by adding acts of self-care to your calendar so you would not miss your "appointments." Or you mapped and pursued a strategy to trade a soul-sapping job for more meaningful work.
When you're done, review your letter. Consider what feelings come up as you read your words to yourself. What are you curious about? What do you feel in your body? What changes might you want to make as a result of your writing? Take a few minutes more to write about about about your self-reflection. This might be your road map for your first steps toward change.
Why does this technique work? It taps into and releases the power of your thoughts, which can get buried in the day-to-day and other people’s expectations, and engages your feelings and your fears, which can dampen or drive your motivation. By stating what you want and acting “as if” it already happened, you create the mindset for growth and give yourself hope.
