What’s a major health problem affecting half of all adults in the United States today? You may be surprised to hear that it’s not a disease but rather an epidemic of loneliness.

This spring, the nation’s top doc, the Surgeon General, released an advisory about the crisis of loneliness. In conversations with people around the country, he found that loneliness was very common: One in two adults reported experiencing it in recent years, even before the pandemic. This isolation from others can harm not only our mental health but our physical well-being as well, raising the risk of anxiety, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

The solution to this widespread problem is social connection. It is a principle I explore in my forthcoming book about Black women and mental health. From infancy, we crave connection with someone mirroring us and engaging us emotionally – first our parents, then others in our environment. When we don’t have consistent and deep connections as children, it affects how we relate to others as adults. Attachment theory holds that lack of connection in childhood has consequences for our relationships later in life: we may become too clingy or avoidant, pushing people away.    

Human beings need secure attachments to others to survive and to thrive. While our society encourages individualism and competition, these values are not what we need most. As author Yuval Noah Harari has said “Evolution can no longer be held by the idea of ‘survival of the fittest;’ it is more appropriately ‘survival of the most connected.’”

As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival.

This concept is not new to Black people. We hail from a collectivist culture that recognizes the link between individual wellness and community. As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival. That’s why our cultural celebrations like Kwanzaa celebrate unity and coming together for the common good.

We know this intuitively. We are biologically wired to bond with other human beings, individually to a partner, sisterfriend or child, and also communally to groups and community. Our connections are where we seek communal experiences; where we can find a common place/space between ourselves and others that help us feel whole. There are steps you can take to cultivate more meaningful and enriching connections in your life. 

Six Ways to Create or Deepen Our Connections

Plan a gathering or getaway. In addition to routine get-togethers or vacations, organize an experience with an individual or group you want to build a stronger connection with. This could be with a new friend or coworker. A game night, potluck, day trip, or regular walking dates with a girlfriend could be just what you need to deepen the bond between you and even start a new tradition. 

Touch base regularly. Be intentional about reaching out to a family member or friend at least once a week. Make it an appointment in your calendar. Go through your address book and respond to any connections that resonate with or speak to you. Don’t just text; visit in person or make a call. Include someone with whom you lost contact and would like to reconnect.

Write a letter or card. Old-school and languid letter writing has been overshadowed by rapid-fire emails and text messages. Research shows that expressing fondness and admiration can help to improve your relationships. Take the time to write a letter to a friend or relative you seldom see. Share a good memory and perhaps something you miss about them, and ask about how they’re doing. For special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, forgo the digital card and write a genuine, detailed message.  

Have sit-down meals. If you don’t already sit around the table to eat meals with your family, start doing it now. Plan to have dinner together once a week or a Sunday brunch. Encourage children and teens to do it even when they don’t want to: do your part to model connecting. Decide on the menu and cook together. Turn off the TV, tuck away devices, and deeply engage each other.

Practice being present. Whenever you connect with others, make a conscious effort to be fully focused. Turn off or put away your phone and agree that everyone will ignore technology during your time together. If you find your mind drifting to your to-do list or some worry, notice it and bring yourself back to the moment at hand by tuning into the person in front of you – how they look, sound, and move. Think about what you appreciate most about them, and notice how you feel when you do so.

Get involved. Forge new connections by joining an organization or movement that aligns with your values. GirlTrek is a perfect example: it brings Black women together for physical activity and cultural connection. Like to read? Start a book club with friends or neighbors. You can also volunteer with your church or a local nonprofit organization that speaks to your passions. See a problem in your community? Brainstorm how to join with others to fix it. VolunteerMatch or Greatnonprofits.org might spark some ideas.

Investing time and effort to cultivate and nurture your connections regularly will help you avoid the crisis of loneliness and enrich your life and relationships.

Join us for the next cohort of S.W.E.L.L. (Single Women Embracing Life and Love), starting Wednesday Sept. 27. It’s an 8-week virtual support circle for single women. We’ll use literature and lyrics to explore topics like self-love, boundaries, and putting your best self forward in relationships. Registration is required: Visit https://www.musegrace.com/swell for more information. 

Start the new year with a magical question…

As we forge ahead into a new year, the idea of resolutions can feel either rote or overwhelming. Even if we set motivating goals, by mid-February we may already feel as if we’ve fallen behind and nothing has changed. We’re ready to give up, and our habits and lives continue as before.

Typically we want to make resolutions because, on some level, we are frustrated or find some part of our lives unsatisfying. In my therapy practice, I often hear clients talk about the intense pressure to perform at work without support or constant concern about being less than perfect. They are employed at a job that pays the bills and then some, but they are not inspired and fulfilled by the work that they do. They want something more but can’t determine what it is or figure out how to get it.

Chasing the next achievement or task on a to-do list may not provide the joy we seek. So how do we think differently about a fresh start or create a new opportunity to change habits? Instead of drafting a list of resolutions or goals you think you should meet, use the inspiration of a New Year to get intentional about what you want to do differently and lay the foundation for a more genuine shift that lasts.

One way to prepare to get unstuck from the past is to take a step back and consider deeper issues about what gives your life meaning. Ask yourself an Adlerian "magical question:" 

If you could wave a magic wand and make this change in your life, how would it be different??

This simple question, inspired by the philosopher and psychiatrist Alfred Adler, is powerful and effective. It's one I often pose to clients because to it gives permission to dream, to see how life might unfold and to consider the fears and real or perceived obstacles that might keep you from taking steps to change. 

To start this New Year with an open mind and different perspective, I recommend allowing a magical question to guide you as you delve into these three journaling activities. Carve out some quiet time (about 30 minutes total), get comfortable, grab a cup of tea and your favorite pen, and write as you reflect on the following:

1. Identify the issues. Make a list of 3-5 aspects of your life where you feel stuck and would like to see a change. The list might include a relationship, a work issue, finances or self-care. Once you make the list, go back to each item and add a line or two that reflects what you want to change in a given area. Get granular: In your relationship, do you want more passion? What does that look like? More fun? When doing what? At work, do you want more autonomy? More flexibility to work from home? What do you want your typical day to look like?

If you’re unsure about how you'd like to change a particular item on your list, repeat the magical question, focused on a specific issue.

2.  Narrow your focus. Now that you have your list of life areas you’d like to change, choose just one that resonates with you the most. Or rank the items in order of importance and choose the one that feels most urgent. Write about why you want to see change in that particular area of your life. Complete these sentences: 1. What makes that issue so important to me is __________. 2. Making a meaningful change in this area will make me _____________. 3. This change fits with my vision for myself to _____________. This step will help you clarify why this matters to you.

3.  Write a letter to yourself. Imagine yourself one year from now. Write yourself a letter from your one-year-later perspective about the changes you made in the life area you chose. Assume you were successful in making a difference and congratulate yourself. How did you address any concerns you currently have about making a change? Describe how you overcame any challenges. High-five yourself for working hard, for staying focused, for not letting others’ doubts sow doubts in your own mind and heart – you did that!

Be specific about steps you took each day, each week or each month to bring your change to fruition. Let's say your focus was self-care. Perhaps you lowered you stress by adding acts of self-care to your calendar so you would not miss your "appointments." Or you mapped and pursued a strategy to trade a soul-sapping job for more meaningful work.

When you're done, review your letter. Consider what feelings come up as you read your words to yourself. What are you curious about? What do you feel in your body? What changes might you want to make as a result of your writing? Take a few minutes more to write about about about your self-reflection. This might be your road map for your first steps toward change.

Why does this technique work? It taps into and releases the power of your thoughts, which can get buried in the day-to-day and other people’s expectations, and engages your feelings and your fears, which can dampen or drive your motivation. By stating what you want and acting “as if” it already happened, you create the mindset for growth and give yourself hope. 

Start today! What’s one key area of your life where you want to get unstuck over the next year? Share in the comments below.

Fall is here, and it’s that time of year when most of us have reluctantly returned from vacation and rolled up our sleeves to get back to work. But as you dive back into your to-do list, it’s important to remember to make rest an essential part of your routine throughout the year. Without rest, you risk exhausting your resources and burning out. Rest, like sleep, is necessary for recharging your batteries, and just like nutrients from food, you need your vitamin “R”.

Research has shown that rest in the form of naps can reduce fatigue and boost alertness. This type of rest can improve your mental creativity and physical performance. Getting appropriate rest can also support you in maintaining a healthy weight, as a lack of sleep has been linked to increased appetite and a slowing of metabolism.

So what exactly is rest and how do you integrate it into your life? Here are some restful strategies that are relaxing and restorative. 

Walk in nature. At a park or other natural setting, take a stroll. Make sure to focus your attention on what you experience with your senses – the color of leaves, the sound of birds chirping, the scent of flowers, the feel of a breeze or the sun on your skin. Immersing yourself in nature can be profoundly revitalizing.

Write to reflect. After your nature walk, take a few minutes to reflect on what you saw and experienced, and how it made you feel. You can write about whatever comes to mind, and over time, about any seasonal changes you notice. You can also use a writing technique such as a sentence-stem, where you fill in the blank: "One thing that made me smile on my walk today was ___________ because ____________."

Meditate. Regular meditation can also help you relax deeply and even get better sleep. There are dozens of guided meditations online or available via meditation apps like Smiling Mind that can help you quiet the mind, decrease your stress, increase self awareness and slow your heart rate. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

Practice yoga. Similar to meditation, yoga can help facilitate rest. Yoga naturally activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which then tells the body to chill out. But you don’t have to twist yourself into a pretzel. Visit a local yoga studio for an introductory class or try these simple poses to get the rest you need. You can also check out yogi and self-care resources that specifically cater to Black folks. 

Tune out “noise”. What prevents us from resting? The constant ding of our phones, negative media reports, toxic people in our lives. Turn your phone off at the end of the day or block notifications; limit news-watching or scrolling to no more than an hour; and respond to negative people when you are ready (if at all) and have gotten rest. 

Have a bedtime routine. Create a restful environment by blocking light, choosing comfy bedding and keeping the temperature cool. Get in the habit of going to bed at the same time each night and aim to get at least 7 hours of shut-eye to revitalize all your body’s systems. 

Take personal days and vacation. Too many of us don’t take all of our paid time off, driven by a sense of duty or unhealthy work ethic. Take the days you’ve earned. Look at the year ahead and be thoughtful about blocking off time for your next long vacation and some long weekends throughout the year. Connecting with friends on a getaway, or even scheduling your own “mental health” day can do wonders for your well-being. 

Looking for additional support for your mental wellness?

My counseling practice offers women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. Join us!

Let’s say you’ve had a bad day – an upsetting blow-up with your boss or a misunderstanding with your partner. Or you’ve had a joyous time with the kids. You can get some support and nurturing, or hold on to the sweet memories, through writing – a simple yet profound technique to cultivate wellness and help you heal.

As a therapist, I know there are many different ways for my clients to process emotions and experiences besides talk therapy. I remind them that writing – even if you do not consider yourself a “writer” – is a powerful way to cope with grief, depression, anxiety and trauma. It’s also a tool for self-care when you’re feeling good. Whether you already keep a journal or rarely put pen to paper, now may be the time to add some simple writing strategies to your self-care toolkit.

Therapeutic writing techniques

Some effective writing techniques involve “containers” – which help create structure for your writing. Time is a common example of a container that puts a specific limit, say five minutes, on how long you write. Using a prompt to get you started writing is another type of container. You can write in response to a specific question, or an image such as a photograph or piece of artwork, that prompts you to think about a memory or experience. 

Psychotherapist Kay Adams developed a model for writing called the Journal Ladder that includes a spectrum of writing techniques that offer different degrees of structure, and pacing. One example of a Ladder technique is list making, like a list of 25 ways you can treat yourself that have nothing to do with food. That act of writing the list focuses your thinking and can lead to insight when you reflect on what you wrote. 

Another example from Adams is Sentence Stems. These are partial sentences that you complete, such as “Right now I feel _______” or “The most important thing I can take from this experience is _______” This sentence completion process is simple and can help provide clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Writing a letter that you don’t necessarily have to send is another way Adams suggests to stimulate insights and increase your self-awareness. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

How it works: Write about a challenging time for four consecutive days, 20 minutes per day. The situation can be something recent or from the past that troubles you, and the technique involves simply writing whatever comes up. On the third day of writing, he suggests writing about the situation from a different perspective – say, as a different person or even an inanimate object. On the fourth day, you return to writing from your perspective for another 20 minutes.

After the four days are complete, you can read and reflect on what you wrote. You can also write about how the process made you feel. Pennebaker’s research has found those who used expressive writing in this way had stronger immune systems, fewer illnesses and improved mood, among other positive benefits.

Novelist and expressive therapies expert Zelda Lockhart provides another way to write about personal experiences. She suggests using what she calls “jump starters” such as music, images or literature. If you get stuck as you journal, grab a book full of rich imagery, open it and put your finger on a page. Wherever your finger lands, that’s your jump starter.

Yet another way to write about your experience is to focus on your senses. If you are writing about a memory, for example, try to recall what it smelled like. What did it feel like? Sound like? Really tune in to and write about the details. Sensory experiences can help unlock memory and feelings. 

Writing for joy

If you make it a consistent habit, writing for just a few minutes a day can become a healing practice and a joyful experience. Focusing on gratitude in your writing can help you focus on the positive and improve both mental and physical health.  

Writing with others is also a great way to connect, share experiences and have those experiences witnessed by a supportive community. If you’d like to be a part of a community writing event, join me for Wake Up Everybody, on July 19 at 7am - 8:30am EST (Registration required). In this free virtual event, our topic is “We Won’t Go Back: Poetry, Power and Justice,” and we will use literature and lyrics to explore social justice issues. 

My practice also offers other women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. 

The great thing about writing is it is just for you – no one else has to read it. The act of writing can stimulate your creative juices, lead to a deeper relationship with yourself, and help you determine what changes you need to make or what actions you can take to make a difference for yourself and in the world. 

I recently appeared on the Support is Sexy podcast with author, speaker and coach Elayne Fluker, who interviews diverse and inspiring women and shares their entrepreneurial success stories of personal growth, courage and transformation.

We explored the uncertain, unnerving terrain of the world of the coronavirus. As news continues to fill our timelines and TV screens, and as we adapt to lives that are vastly different from the way they were at the start of the year, many of us are trying to figure out our "new normal."

Elayne led with thoughtful questions including how to manage stress and anxiety, how to harness the power of the breath, and how to practice self-care in meaningful ways. Viewers also had a chance to ask their own questions. 

This was one of Elayne's "Wine Down" sessions for Support is Sexy -- where viewers are invited to bring a glass of their favorite beverage and join her for real-deal talks with women experts in various fields.

In the end, we opened a powerful and healing dialogue about tools for Black women to cultivate resilience in the eye of the storm. You can hear the full conversation below':

I thank Elayne - a creative visionary, collaborator, friend and former ESSENCE colleague - for providing a necessary space for women to gather, speak their truths, face their challenges and lift one another up.

You can find Elayne's impressive collection of interviews with more than 500 women entrepreneurs from around the world at supportissexy.com.

A new year brings new intentions, and one way to get intentional about your well-being is to consider not just what you eat but how and why. You can do that by getting to know the history and healthy interpretations of your food.

Cookbooks – and books about cooking – are great not just for recipes, but also for understanding cultural and collective history, or how we come to eat what we do, and why. The more you know about Afro-inspired cooking, the more you understand how our legacy goes beyond the poverty cooking of the plantation and includes the high art of infusing fresh, flavorful ingredients with creativity and hints of home – wherever home may be.

Consider these recently published reads as you recommit to your health and wellness in 2016:
 

The Jemima Code: Two Centuries of African American Cookbooks

In The Jemima Code, Toni Tipton-Martin, an award-winning food journalist and activist, explores her huge collection of rare cookbook titles from the early 1800s to the late 1980s. Though Black women have always had an integral role in the cultural history of food and cooking, we have often been written out of that narrative, relegated to servitude in Big House and behind the closed doors in White Folks’ kitchens.  Martin looks beyond ingredient lists and instructions to reveal culinary competencies and artistry, and shows much love for the intuition that Black women have used in their cooking for centuries.

The Up South Cookbook: Chasing Dixie in a Brooklyn Kitchen

Author Nicole A. Taylor, a Georgia native, mixes her Southern taste buds with the Brooklyn foodie scene, bringing a fresh eye and a modern twist to recipes like Grits with New York State Cheddar and Blue Cheese, Collard Greens Pesto with Pasta and Apple and Bok Choy Salad. Sweet or savory, you’ll find pages of downhome favorites.

Soul Food Love: Healthy Recipes Inspired by One Hundred Years of Cooking in a Black Family

As their website shares, the mother-daughter duo of Alice Randall and Caroline Randall Williams “reclaims and redefines soul food by mining the traditions of four generations of Black women and creating 80 healthy recipes to help everyone live longer and stronger.” Rich in family lore and favored dishes like DeFord’s Spicy Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Pomegranate, Soul Food Love is an affirming, intergenerational look at food, health and history.
 

Afro-Vegan: Farm-Fresh African, Caribbean, and Southern Flavors Remixed

Whether cooking inspiring and hearty meals for crowds or packing a lunch for his daughter, Bryant Terry, an award-winning chef, educator, food justice activist and author based in San Francisco, brings bold flavor and color to the plate. With recipes like Crispy Teff and Grit Cakes with Eggplant, Tomatoes, and Peanuts, which combines the Ethiopian grain teff with grits from the Deep South and North African zalook dip, Terry reimagines familiar dishes and serves them up with a nod to their global origins. A great option for meatless Mondays and beyond.