Let’s say you’ve had a bad day – an upsetting blow-up with your boss or a misunderstanding with your partner. Or you’ve had a joyous time with the kids. You can get some support and nurturing, or hold on to the sweet memories, through writing – a simple yet profound technique to cultivate wellness and help you heal.

As a therapist, I know there are many different ways for my clients to process emotions and experiences besides talk therapy. I remind them that writing – even if you do not consider yourself a “writer” – is a powerful way to cope with grief, depression, anxiety and trauma. It’s also a tool for self-care when you’re feeling good. Whether you already keep a journal or rarely put pen to paper, now may be the time to add some simple writing strategies to your self-care toolkit.

Therapeutic writing techniques

Some effective writing techniques involve “containers” – which help create structure for your writing. Time is a common example of a container that puts a specific limit, say five minutes, on how long you write. Using a prompt to get you started writing is another type of container. You can write in response to a specific question, or an image such as a photograph or piece of artwork, that prompts you to think about a memory or experience. 

Psychotherapist Kay Adams developed a model for writing called the Journal Ladder that includes a spectrum of writing techniques that offer different degrees of structure, and pacing. One example of a Ladder technique is list making, like a list of 25 ways you can treat yourself that have nothing to do with food. That act of writing the list focuses your thinking and can lead to insight when you reflect on what you wrote. 

Another example from Adams is Sentence Stems. These are partial sentences that you complete, such as “Right now I feel _______” or “The most important thing I can take from this experience is _______” This sentence completion process is simple and can help provide clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Writing a letter that you don’t necessarily have to send is another way Adams suggests to stimulate insights and increase your self-awareness. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

How it works: Write about a challenging time for four consecutive days, 20 minutes per day. The situation can be something recent or from the past that troubles you, and the technique involves simply writing whatever comes up. On the third day of writing, he suggests writing about the situation from a different perspective – say, as a different person or even an inanimate object. On the fourth day, you return to writing from your perspective for another 20 minutes.

After the four days are complete, you can read and reflect on what you wrote. You can also write about how the process made you feel. Pennebaker’s research has found those who used expressive writing in this way had stronger immune systems, fewer illnesses and improved mood, among other positive benefits.

Novelist and expressive therapies expert Zelda Lockhart provides another way to write about personal experiences. She suggests using what she calls “jump starters” such as music, images or literature. If you get stuck as you journal, grab a book full of rich imagery, open it and put your finger on a page. Wherever your finger lands, that’s your jump starter.

Yet another way to write about your experience is to focus on your senses. If you are writing about a memory, for example, try to recall what it smelled like. What did it feel like? Sound like? Really tune in to and write about the details. Sensory experiences can help unlock memory and feelings. 

Writing for joy

If you make it a consistent habit, writing for just a few minutes a day can become a healing practice and a joyful experience. Focusing on gratitude in your writing can help you focus on the positive and improve both mental and physical health.  

Writing with others is also a great way to connect, share experiences and have those experiences witnessed by a supportive community. If you’d like to be a part of a community writing event, join me for Wake Up Everybody, on July 19 at 7am - 8:30am EST (Registration required). In this free virtual event, our topic is “We Won’t Go Back: Poetry, Power and Justice,” and we will use literature and lyrics to explore social justice issues. 

My practice also offers other women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. 

The great thing about writing is it is just for you – no one else has to read it. The act of writing can stimulate your creative juices, lead to a deeper relationship with yourself, and help you determine what changes you need to make or what actions you can take to make a difference for yourself and in the world. 

As a child growing up with asthma, I was often cautioned against strenuous physical activity out of fear that I might have trouble breathing or suffer an attack. My mother disagreed and encouraged me to try. On the other hand, my father and other relatives suggested I stick to what they considered safer, less physically demanding pastimes.

Even with my mother’s support, the belief that I couldn’t engage in challenging activities stuck with me over the years. I would do short runs or sprints but avoided long-distance running. As an adult, I was the queen of power-walking, until one day, while I was walking on a track in Harlem, an older woman ran right past me, her silver locks flowing with each step. Just seeing her out there inspired me, so I decided to give distance running a chance.

Today, after building up to longer runs over time, I can run a half hour without getting winded or provoking my asthma. Now I can confidently say that I am a runner, and it is a part of my identity.

The beliefs we hold about ourselves often stem from messages we received as children. They’re influenced by our families, by our peers and even by the media we consume. Those messages shape our identity in the present and can be quite persistent. But as adults we have the ability to shift our perspective and re-story our lives.   

Have you ever had the experience of going home for a reunion or family gathering and suddenly feeling like you did when you were a child or teenager? Old family dynamics come into play and relatives might view you and treat you the same way they did years ago. They don’t realize you’ve changed. Next thing you know, you may even find yourself responding to those family members as you did in the past. 

But you don’t have to be a prisoner to what other people think or how they see you. Our minds have what’s called neuroplasticity, or the ability to adapt. From the time we are born, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to changing needs, enabling us to learn and grow from experience throughout our lives. 

In other words, we have the power to change our identity or who we think we are.

Plot Twist: How to Re-Story Our Lives

Be mindful. On your way to a family gathering or in the moment, you can use mindfulness to keep yourself anchored in the present. You can silently say to yourself, “I am here today. It’s 2022,” or something more specific like, “I don’t have to take my cousin/sibling/in-law picking on me. I am not that person anymore.”

Set boundaries. To protect yourself from negative messages from relatives or peers, make a list of at least 10 boundaries you will enforce. For example, you can set a limit for how much time you will spend at a gathering and not feel guilty about leaving early. If people start to gossip, you can make a point of not being a part of those conversations. You can say “no” when pressured to do something you want to do. You can also set boundaries around when you are available by text or phone, and choose whether to respond to toxic messages.

Check your values. Messages from others can make us question our own choices. That’s why it can help to remind yourself what’s most important to you by engaging in what’s called a values exercise. How it works: Write out the values that resonate with you, such as balance or freedom or service. Organize the values into groups of similar ones, then attach a verb to your top values (“live in balance”) to express how you intend to put them into action. Make artwork from your top four or five values, frame it, and display it someplace meaningful to you. Engaging creatively can strengthen your relationship with your values.

Question “shoulds”. A sign we may be living by others’ expectations is frequent use of the word “should,” as in “I should be married/have kids by now” or “I should own a certain type of home/car”. If you find yourself thinking this way, try the values exercise above. When the word “should” starts to arise, you can choose affirming thoughts like, “I’m single and satisfied” instead.

Decide what's next. Now that you've identified limiting beliefs and new possibilities, how can you stretch yourself? In what ways can you grow? For me, I'm exploring a 5K and possibly even building up to a marathon. What's next for you?

Consider counseling. If you are struggling with letting go of old ideas about yourself, therapy might help. In addition to talk therapy, consider poetry therapy or drama therapy to help cultivate self-awareness and relational awareness.

Remember: You’ve always had the power to determine who you are and how you show up. Using these tools can help you activate it.

Mass shootings. War. A near-coup in the U.S. Lingering COVID cases. Another looming public health crisis. The continuing fight for justice, and so much more. All of this bad news popping up on our smartphones and TV screens every day has many of us feeling unsettled and unsafe. We barely have time to recover from one collective trauma before we face the next one. This feeling of unease is compounded for Black folks because we also live with the daily reality that we could be the targets of racially motivated discrimination and violence.

As “strong Black women” we may be tempted to ignore these feelings which may create anxiety and depression, and instead try to “push through.” This is what we’ve seen many of our mothers and grandmothers do. Our ancestors had to persevere against formidable odds. Their strength and endurance is how they survived, creating opportunities for the next generation. But that ability to keep on keepin' on has come at a price to their physical, mental and spiritual health and well-being. Today, we can release that SBW stereotype.

We don’t have to be strong in the face of extraordinarily difficult events, and more of us are starting to recognize that. In my practice, I am receiving more inquiries from Black people – Black women in particular – who are ready to process their experiences and emotions. That is a clear break from the past when we avoided counseling because of stigma and false ideas about what it means to be strong. 

And in recent years, high-profile athletes like Simon Biles and Naomi Osaka have presented a new model of strength. By putting themselves and their mental wellness first, they demonstrated a new way of being strong; by acknowledging that it’s okay to not be okay.

What would it mean for you to redefine strength? Like Simon Biles, it could mean setting boundaries, which is what the champion athlete did when she bowed out of some of her Olympic competitions in Tokyo. Or like Naomi Osaka -- who withdrew from the French Open and refused to endure the obligatory and sometimes disrespectful media interviews -- it meant saying no. Despite pressure and criticism, they both did what was best for them and not for others. 

A New Image of Strength

Here are some ways to reconsider what it means to be a strong Black woman.

Look for new role models. In the past, strength may have been defined by enduring a bad marriage, a toxic work environment or constantly doing for others. Instead, think about people in your life or in the public eye who you admire and who exemplify a different type of strength by being independent, by defying expectations or putting themselves first.

Connect with your feelings. Take a few minutes at the beginning or the end of every day to be still, be quiet and ask yourself, How am I feeling? Then write it down. To make things interesting, try it as a six-word memoir. We are so used to rushing through our experiences and not connecting them to how they make us feel, so it’s important to slow down and find ways to process our emotions. (If you're a Black woman who works in white spaces, this is especially important. To get support, you can sign up for my upcoming "Working While Black" group on September 20, 2022. We use literature and lyrics to explore self-love, striving, thriving and more.)

Commit to self-care. Audre Lorde called self-care a “radical act.” When you are feeling sad or overwhelmed, ask yourself what you need to feel better. It could be a call to a good friend, to take a walk outside or even to sleep. Try to avoid doing things that could make you feel worse like misusing alcohol or drugs, or binging on food, TV or social media. 

Rethink physical strength. We often think of strength as measured in physical endurance or power. But being strong can also mean being mobile and active, which generates feel-good endorphins that help lessen sadness and depression. It can also mean being flexible or having the endurance to climb stairs without getting winded.

Show yourself some grace. Don’t be so hard on yourself if it takes a while to break some old habits. Give yourself credit for coming this far in the face of enormous challenges, and recognize when you have benefitted from prioritizing your well-being. That is also a form of strength.

Picture this:  A Black woman with a natural hairstyle like twists or cornrows joins her co-workers for lunch. One of them, a white woman, reaches out to touch her hair, tossing it gently, while saying, “Your hairstyle is so pretty. How long does it take you to do that?”

The Black woman pauses, unsure how to respond to this unwanted intrusion into her physical and emotional space. She tries to think of a response that is polite yet firm. Should she say ‘thank you’ and change the subject? Or should she say, ‘As much time as it takes you to get your roots dyed blonde’?

For many Black women, having our hair touched or becoming the subject of fascination is a common microaggression. The focus on our hairstyles and incredulous tone of questions about them creates the sense that there is something abnormal or exotic about what is perfectly normal to us. Even if a comment is meant as a compliment, it can feel like a slight, a way for a privileged person to other-ize us.

Defined by Columbia University psychologist Derald Wing Sue as “everyday insults, indignities and demeaning messages sent to people of color by well-intentioned white people who are unaware of the hidden messages being sent,” microaggressions can have harmful and lasting impacts on people of color. They can also affect people based on gender identity, sexual orientation, and more. (We may also experience macroaggressions, which affect whole groups or populations, otherwise known as systemic racism.) 

Another example is the assumption we may have landed a job or promotion just because we’re Black, which suggests we’re not smart enough or could not have achieved on our own merits. When a conservative talk show host asked to see Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s LSAT scores, he was insinuating that her race played a part in her admission to Harvard Law School. During the confirmation hearings, when Senator John Kennedy called Brown Jackson “articulate,” it was a reminder of the many times that word has been applied to Black people as if we are not expected to be articulate despite years of education. 

How many of us have been followed around in a store while shopping? Or worse, been completely ignored by either a salesperson or fellow customer who cuts in line and says, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” When director Jane Campion told Venus and Serena Williams while she was accepting a Critics Choice Award that they were “marvels” but did not have to compete with men as she did, she was not only wrong (they’ve played against men in tennis doubles) but she erased all of their achievements with one thoughtless comment. 

When Black women raise these issues at work or try to explain them to their white peers, we may get responses like “That’s not about race,” “I don’t see color/race” or “You’re being too sensitive.”  These comments, too, are microaggressions because they deny who we are and what we know we’re experiencing. They may cause us to doubt ourselves, question our perceptions, and hesitate to speak up again.

Day after day these insults and indignities can add up, like “death by 1,000 cuts,” causing anxiety, stress, anger, and over time, depression. These effects on our mental health can manifest as physical problems like headaches and muscle tension when we are faced with certain people or situations. The impact may be more serious if you have already experienced racial trauma, an accumulation of negative racialized experiences.

How to Manage the Microaggressions

When it comes to microaggressions you don’t have to just take them and suffer to keep the peace. Here are tips to handle them gracefully and protect your well-being. 

Don’t let even small slights slide. If a colleague or stranger reaches out to touch your hair, you are perfectly within your rights to say, “That makes me uncomfortable” or like Solange once sang, “Don’t touch my hair.” If they ask why, say something like, “It’s an invasion of my space and privacy. I wouldn’t expect to be able to touch your hair. Why do you think it’s okay to touch mine?”  It is healthy to set this boundary.

Write about it. To cope with microaggressions, it might be helpful to express your feelings in writing. Try this structured writing exercise below from psychotherapist and writing-for-healing expert Kathleen Adams to help you go deeper in exploring those feelings. 

Consider a situation or recent experience and finish each of the seven sentences stems with a sentence or two. Expect to take 10-15 minutes to complete this exercise. 

When you're done, read and reflect on your writing to explore what thoughts or feelings it brings up. Consider what surprises you or inspires you to make a change. Take another few minutes to write about your reflection.

I want to write about ... 

The first thing that comes to mind is ... 

Below the surface I find ... 

The challenge here is ... 

In order to move forward, I ... 

I can ask for help/support from ... 

My next step is ... 

Commiserate with your sister circle. Share what happened with peers who will understand and affirm your feelings. Or watch this clip from Insecure for examples of how to cope and have a good laugh at the same time. This strategy can be especially helpful when you can’t confront a microaggression because of who it’s coming from (i.e. your boss).

Consider speaking up. If a microaggression or macroaggression is really bothering you or is repeated, it may be time to take a stand. While you weigh whether to say something, ask yourself if you’ll regret not saying something.

Respond with an “I” statement. Start with “I feel _______ when you say/do this.” It may be that you simply felt uncomfortable or diminished. Keep the focus on the impact on you rather than the person’s bad behavior.

If you want to talk more about navigating microaggressions and other work-related challenges Black women face, sign up now for my Working While Black: Sisters Writing and RIsing support group on Tuesday evenings.

In recent weeks, news of high-profile acts of bullying flooded our TV screens and social media. Among them, is the outrageous disrespect that soon-to-be Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson endured during days of hostile questioning from opportunistic Senators, and actor Will Smith’s assault of comedian Chris Rock for telling an insensitive joke about Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith. (In this case, one might see the bully in Chris Rock as well as in Will Smith.)

But bullies menace outside of politics and entertainment, as many of us, might remember from the playgrounds of our childhood. Some of us face bullies every day – at work and even within our own families. What’s important is that you know how to spot them, and how to survive them.

A bully is someone who abuses their power to intimidate or harm another person. This abuse can be emotional or physical. A bully’s power can stem from their official position – like a senator who has the authority to deny a nominee their confirmation, a boss who has the ability to hire or fire, or an older family member or more senior member of a group – or their physical size and strength. Power can also be derived from economic or social standing, which might come from being socially savvy or perceived as popular or charismatic. Either way, the threat felt by the person being bullied is real and frightening.

A bully could be motivated by the need for attention or resentment regarding their status or the unfairness of life. Some bullies, like an intimidating boss or co-worker, may be jealous or want to rob a more vulnerable individual of a real or perceived advantage, like better skills or popularity. 

For African-Americans, bullying can be doubly harmful because it’s motivated by racism from those who resent perceived “preferences,” or who fear a loss of their status in the workplace or in society. 

Whatever the motivation, the target of bullying can experience lasting harm. Ongoing bullying can cause distress and trauma, especially if it echoes childhood experiences or family dynamics, exposing long-dormant traumas. The experience can make you fearful and avoidant, and lead to anxiety and depression among other mental health issues.  Over time, the stress from ongoing bullying can lead to physical health effects such as high blood pressure. To avoid these problems, here are some steps to stand up to the bully in your life.

• Check-in with yourself. Acknowledge what’s happening to you, how you feel about it, and how those feelings might echo feelings from your past. Does it bring up memories of being bullied as a child? Taking this step of mindfulness will help you connect today’s discomfort with earlier times when you felt vulnerable.

• Write it out. In your journal, write “I feel ________  when I have to interact with this person.” You might be feeling intimidated, small, or afraid to confront the individual or situation in a work context. Whatever the emotion, get it out on paper so you can face it. 

• Speak up. If you feel safe, consider raising the issue directly with the bully. If you’re at work, you may want to discuss it in terms of what you need to do your job effectively. Remain positive and keep the focus on how the bullying behavior affects not only you personally but also how it affects your ability to work. You may also want to write what you intend to say in advance.

• Get help. On the job, you might discuss the issue confidentially with someone in human resources. That way, you go on record as experiencing difficulty in the workplace that is affecting your ability to do your job effectively – and that HR should respond to. 

• Talk to someone. Discuss the problem with peers or a friend or a mentor outside the workplace to get advice and perspective. If you have trusted allies on the job, share the problem with them; you may find you’re not alone in suffering under a bully.

• Document, document. If the bullying is ongoing, keep a record of it, including dates, times, specific conversations, and examples of bad behavior. You may find this documentation useful if you need to get legal advice. 

• Don’t take it personally. Sometimes victims of bullying start to think that something is wrong with them. Recognize the problem lies within the bully, not you. Be compassionate with yourself.

• Consider your exit. No job is worth your emotional and physical health. If the situation does not improve and your employer doesn’t help, update your resume and start looking for greener pastures. 

• Seek mental health support. Talk to a therapist or consider group therapy to help you cope and recover. 

You do not have to accept a bully’s abuse. It may take time to change a situation, but protecting yourself is too important. By taking action, you send a message to the bully, and more importantly, to yourself, that you deserve better.   

Most of us are familiar with the saying, “in my feelings” -- you may have even used it yourself. The phrase is so popular that it’s reflected in songs by chart-topping artists like singer Ella Mai and rapper Drake. You might also say you “feel some type of way” -- which is an example of saying you’re “in your feelings,” but it is often reserved for describing something negative. But what are you really trying to say -- and why is it so important to be clear?

First, let’s understand what feelings really are. Feelings, which reflect emotions, are a result of your body registering information from your brain. You will often experience a physical reaction. For example, a knot in your gut might be related to excitement or fear, while a fluttering in your belly may be a sign of nervousness. The reactions can be different for different people. A flushed face could signal embarrassment for some, but anger for others. Your feelings and your physical sensations ride in tandem. It’s important that you are aware of these sensations to determine what’s coming up for you. We’re often so in our heads and focused on what we’re thinking and not how we’re feeling. 

It’s no wonder: because so many of us are socialized to not express our feelings, we may never have learned how to be in touch with them. You may remember as a child -- boys especially -- being told not to cry after you scraped your knee, or having an adult tell you “be a big girl” if you express sadness or disappointment. Those people, even if well-intended, likely were trying to get you to stop expressing your feelings because of their own discomfort with what your emotions were bringing up for them.

The phrase “in your feelings” might also be used as a coping mechanism, much like using the phrases “it’s all good” and “I’mma just keep it moving.” It’s a way to say “something’s bothering me, but I’m not going to put my finger on it” -- and by not doing that you cheat yourself out of really understanding what's going on with you. 

As a result, you will struggle to articulate the impact something has on you and to make it clear how you may need a situation to change. This may lead to you feeling “stuck” -- in a toxic relationship or in an unfulfilling job -- because you haven’t identified or communicated what’s really bothering you. It takes self-awareness -- listening to your body -- to know how you feel.

One of my goals as a therapist is to help clients become more fluent in how to interpret their feelings. You may have a hard time naming a feeling and say something like, “He disrespected me.” That’s not a feeling, so my reply to you might be, “You think he disrespected you. But how does that lead you to feel?” I would leave space for you to explore what’s coming up in your body. The feeling from being disrespected may be sad, or embarrassed, or pissed off. 

Here are three simple techniques you can use to better understand and express yourself whenever you feel like you’re in your feelings:

1. Practice mindfulness, or awareness and curiosity without judgement. It can be as simple as five minutes of stillness and deep breathing. Pay attention to what you feel in your body when you have to work with a colleague who you generally try to avoid, or when you need to have a real talk with your partner. Mindfulness is a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger and better it gets.
   
   

2. Take note. Sometimes, I’ll encourage clients to jot down those physical sensations when they happen and note what was going on. The next time we meet, they share their experiences and I help them connect those physical sensations to the emotions they experienced, and how they influence their behaviors. Over time they will learn how to make the important connection between those sensations and their feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
   
   

3. Name your feelings. Ask yourself some questions and use a feeling chart, such as the Gottman Institute’s Feeling Wheel to help you explore the wide range of feelings that you experience but may not be able to identify -- whether that’s anger, loneliness, or another emotion. Or perhaps you're experiencing joy, and you want to be able to connect those dots, too. Maybe sitting in the park, having your toes in the sand at the beach or a certain food or smell makes you nostalgic. Take notice of what those joyful feelings feel like, where they come from, and learn how to stay in that space or get back there when you need to.
   
   

   Our feelings are there to provide us with information. The more fluent you are in that language, the better you will be able to discern the information that you’re receiving. This can help you be truer to yourself and respond in an authentic way. With practice, you can become fluent in the language of feelings.

Nickole Hannah-Jones channeling Audre Lorde’s “I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.” (Photo credit: Instagram post of Nikole Hannah-Jones)

You may have heard about the controversy around Nikole Hannah-Jones’ recent decision to join Howard University’s faculty instead of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This Pulitzer-Prize-winning journalist and creator of the New York Times groundbreaking 1619 Project, was highly qualified to receive tenure at her alma mater, UNC, where she had been invited to teach. But the university’s board of trustees denied her tenure, and it took a whirlwind of social media backlash and news stories to push the board to take another vote and reverse its decision. 

Hannah-Jones’s decision is a powerful lesson in why it’s important to go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. 

Hannah-Jones wrote about how hurtful and embarrassing the experience was for her, but says that discomfort also motivated her to do what was best for her. If she had accepted the position at UNC after knowing they initially rejected her, she would have been in an uncomfortable situation that she was forcing to work. Declining UNC’s tainted offer took a lot of courage; but her prestigious tenured position as the first Knight Chair in Race and Journalism at Howard University -- where leaders at the school went out of their way to rally to secure the resources to bring her on board -- will most likely be better for Hannah-Jones not only professionally, but spiritually and emotionally. She will also establish the Center for Journalism and Democracy, which the university says will train aspiring journalists in "the investigative skills and historical and analytical expertise needed to cover the crisis our democracy is facing."

How many of us have been in a situation like Hannah-Jones, where we were given lemons and expected to make lemonade while pretending to be happy about it?  Whether it’s slighted at work or in an unfulfilling relationship that we needed to leave? What we can take from watching her experience unfold is how to determine whether we are thriving in a situation or just making it work. 

When you’re thriving in a situation, you’re happy, connected, and engaged. When you’re just making it work, you're likely not fulfilled, which can lead to sadness, apathy, and isolation. Sometimes making the decision to walk away is difficult because we start to make calculations about what we could live with and why. We might say we’re too old to make a change, we might be afraid to let go or we’ll try to convince ourselves that things aren’t so bad. But when you try to stay in a situation that isn’t ideal, you will sacrifice your wellbeing. 

Jones gives props to Howard University, also referred to as “The Mecca.” (Photo credit: Instagram post of Nikole Hannah-Jones)

What’s your cost of making it work? 

It’s important to evaluate your situation and figure out what’s good for you. Here are some questions to consider:

• Am I being fulfilled by the work that I’m doing or the relationship that I’m in?

• Am I lowering my expectations to keep this person in my life, or by staying at this job?

• Am I using my age, financial situation, or another excuse as a reason why I can’t move beyond this?

• If it wasn’t about money, age, or experience, or if all my excuses were wiped off the table, would I still do this? 

• Is this good for me? 

Take some time and write your answers to these questions. When you’re finished, read your answers and consider how you feel and what comes up for you in reading what you wrote. Use what comes up to help you decide if you are in a place where you are valued, affirmed, and satisfied. Based on your answer, you can determine your next steps.

When you’re intentional about your joy, you know when it’s time to walk away because the cost of making it work means you’re sacrificing things you are truly passionate about and that feed your soul. And you deserve better than that.

Credit: Syda Productions for Canva

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about people — Black women especially — “protecting my peace” or “protecting my energy.”  What they mean is to set healthy boundaries and to intentionally cultivate joy. They’re able to say, “this doesn’t feel good to me,” to walk away and to make a change in order to preserve their mental wellness.

Tennis superstar Naomi Osaka recently quit the French Open to care for her mental health after being fined and threatened with disqualification for not wanting to speak with the press. “I do hope that people can relate and understand it’s O.K. to not be O.K., and it’s O.K. to talk about it,“ she wrote in Time. And tennis superstar Venus Williams unapologetically told the media how she protects her peace by keeping in mind that she is the one who is the champ, not the people who write about her. In fact, she told them, they can’t hold a candle to her. 

There are songs about protecting your energy, like Jhene Aiko’s “Trigger Protection Mantra,” which is intended to calm you down when you’re feeling upset, and Mary J. Blige’s classic “No More Drama,” where she sings passionately about cutting off toxic relationships. 

On a personal level, some of my friends talk about how they took up hobbies like cooking or journaling through the pandemic because it put them in a positive and peaceful space. One colleague, Shawnee Benton Gibson, has done a lot of transformational work around how stressors in life can affect Black women’s health. She talks about how high vibrations leave you feeling uplifted and contribute to your happiness, while low vibrations can contribute to sadness and distress. 

Toughing out situations that aren’t beneficial to our mental health used to be seen as a measure of strength. But these days many of us recognize the changes we need to make in how we respond to life’s curveballs. Plus, responding to the pandemic in the last year or so led many of us to reflect on what really matters in life, and what no longer serves us. Many people are rethinking how they move through the world, and how they show up for themselves and for others.

This re-evaluation of values and priorities is leading us to search for better-paying, more fulfilling work at places where our contributions and presence and presence of mind are valued. We’re scheduling time in nature, and time to rest and restore. We’re finding support to help us move through profound losses and change, and we’re finding accountability partners and no longer spending time with people who traffic in negativity. The person who is always complaining about stuff but never has solutions? She’s sitting off somewhere on the sidelines of our game.

Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her empowering 1937 novel, Their Eyes Were Watching God: “Black women are the mules of the world. They carry the load that white men, white women, and Black men refuse to carry; they do the work no one wants to do, without praise or thanks.” 

We’re finally putting those days behind us. 

Take a moment to journal about what might need to change in your life and what action you need to take to change it in order to protect your peace. Pick up hobbies that bring you joy, or as Sister Shawnee might say, “raise your vibration.” Listen to music that lifts your mood, and most importantly, set your boundaries and remain firm in your intentions so that you can lead a positive and more fulfilled life. Protecting your energy isn’t just a saying; it’s a way of being.

Source: Romantic Country: The Second Tale: A Fantasy Coloring Book; coloring by Irene LIn.

Guest blog post by Irene Lin

Coloring has always been my go-to whenever I need some time away from my workspace. All I need is a coloring book and coloring pencils to get me started. Seeing the colors appear at my fingertips gives me an oddly satisfying feeling, and time flies before I realize it. 

Few experts in the art therapy field have considered coloring to be a part of art therapy because of its structured nature, and while art therapy emphasizes creativity. But coloring can be an introductory task for those new to art therapy and to get them interested in visual arts.  

Coloring helps you relax by taking your attention away from yourself. When your brain is focused on coloring, you are not disturbed by your own thoughts, and your brain will find this rewarding. Coloring has been proved to reduce stress levels and negative thinking. In contrast, it has fewer benefits than in-person art therapy sessions, but its positives include affordability and accessibility. 

Coloring supplies can be found easily at major retailers (like Amazon), and no art experience is needed to be able to color. Though color pencils are one of the most versatile mediums, other options include brush pens, watercolors, colored markers, and water-soluble colored pencils.

Colors can have many representations, and people assign conscious or unconscious meaning to them. I associate green with nature, while others can see green as health and growth. One can choose to color flowers pink because that is the color they associated flowers with, while others can choose to color flowers blue because they have an important memory attached to blue flowers. Whatever is the case, colors have meanings whether you realize them or not. 

I have been coloring since 2015, and I still color today. Through coloring, I can see my growth as an artist and as a person. I have always chosen bright colors and tried to bring in as many colors as I can. Over the years, I learned to match colors that will go well together and to use the blank space outside the lines. 

Coloring has been a part of my growth from a high schooler to a mental health counselor in training. Along the way, it’s helped me find peace and calm. Coloring is my way of journaling: It documents my journey. 

Irene, an Advanced Clinical Intern at my practice, is a Mental Health Counseling graduate student at Hunter College in New York City and a proud owner of dozens of coloring books.

Other Resources:

Free coloring pages

Click here for more on coloring and free pages.

Credit: YakobchukOlena from Getty Images

If there’s one thing we all need to show ourselves in abundance these days it’s grace. Making room for our fears, anxiety, our understandable grief — and not beating ourselves up. Yes, grace is good. And who doesn’t want to feel good? But be aware of what you’re turning to in order to feel good. Because often what we turn to is food.

Many of us use food as a special treat. We also rely on food to celebrate or lift our mood, and we can often trace this habit back to childhood when good grades earned you a trip to the ice cream parlor or a dollar or two, which you promptly used to buy a treat to eat.

The first step to making a change is to become more aware of that food-mood link. So how can you disconnect food from your sense of reward and satisfaction?

In my latest article for the Sisters AARP newsletter, “10 Ways to Treat Yourself While Losing Weight”, I help you find fun options beyond food to look forward to when you want to treat yourself and find ways to reward all your senses, not just taste. Click to read the full article here.