Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work. 

“I can’t find time for self-care.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start…”

“I feel selfish even talking about it.”

These are some of the things we might tell ourselves or hear from others when the topic of self-care comes up. But not taking good care of ourselves can leave us feeling unmotivated and burned out. 

Take vacations, for example. Too few of us take time off, even when we’ve earned it. Americans are half as likely to take vacation in any given week today than we did 40 years ago, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Compared with other races, Black folks were the least likely to have taken a vacation in 2018-2022. 

That’s true despite the fact that many of us reconsidered the way we worked as the pandemic transformed our relationships to work. The “Great Resignation” appears to be over and many in-office workers have returned to their desks. But our habit of not taking vacations predates the pandemic and may speak to the larger phenomenon of lack of self-care.

Self-care is not a destination but a journey. 

What is self-care? It’s defined by the World Health Organization as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker.” But I believe it’s broader than that: Self-care is what you do every day to take care of your  whole self; to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually well. Self-care is not a destination but a journey.

This may be a foreign concept to many Black women. We’ve been told our whole lives we need to “work twice as hard to get half as far” and to be recognized for our contributions. We may also have had few role models of self-care among our immediate family members, elders and ancestors who had to toil long hours or work multiple jobs to support their families. We may not feel we have the time or resources to “indulge” in self-care. We may even think that self-care is selfish and feel guilty about centering our needs. Self-care is a practice that we have to learn and intentionally take steps to incorporate into our lives.

If you don’t take all of your paid vacation, or regularly take work home with you, that’s one sign you may be neglecting self-care. But work is only one measure. Feeling overly stressed even when you are away from work could be another. Being in poor mental or physical health could also be a signal that you need to shift the balance of giving your time and energy to others and give more to yourself.

Take a moment to check in with yourself with a self-care assessment tool [https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/self-care-assessment.pdf]. Follow the instructions to explore how often and how well you are taking care of yourself. Then spend some time reviewing your responses and take note of any patterns. Consider the results and reflect on your assessment in a journal. Answer these questions: 

What surprises me most about my results is _______________?

What area of self-care needs the most attention, and why? 

What action would I like to take to improve my self-care starting now?

For more ways to improve your self-care, here are seven ways to practice it. 

7 Steps to Better Self-Care

Set and enforce boundaries. You can set boundaries at work by closing your office door when you need privacy, asking colleagues to schedule appointments to meet with you rather than dropping by, and by not checking email after work hours. With family or friends, you can simply not answer the phone readily or take your time responding to a text. You can even block people who are unhealthy for you.

Just say no. No, period, is the clearest boundary of all. If you really don’t have time for that new work committee or don’t want to attend an event, don’t hesitate to say no. We all have limits and need to protect our time and sanity in order to say yes to the things we really want and have the time and energy to do. 

Sleep tight. But sleep is really essential to our well-being, but about a third of us don’t get the recommended seven hours of sleep at night. Without it, we can feel drowsy during the day, have mood swings, become forgetful and have a hard time focusing on tasks. To get better sleep, maintain a consistent sleep schedule: develop a bedtime routine that excludes electronic devices and includes some time with a good book or journaling, and make your bedroom a sanctuary that is quiet and cozy. 

Plan – and take – time off. In addition to summer or holiday vacations, be sure to take personal days and long weekends throughout the year. You earn your paid time off—use it! Time off allows you to relax and recharge. If your budget doesn’t cover travel right now, consider staycations that include day trips to local parks, botanical gardens or other recreational areas.

Be physically active. Take short walks during the day if you don’t have time for a longer routine. Or invite a family member or friend to engage in an activity together – a class, regular hikes, or a new sport like pickleball. Exercise is essential to your health and can boost your mood.  

Connect with others. Getting together with friends or neighbors can reduce isolation and deepen bonds between you and others. Make a date with a girlfriend for brunch or a walk-and-talk, or to visit a museum or see a play. Read my recent piece on connecting for more ideas of ways to beat loneliness.

Indulge in a hobby or two. Remember the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Things that made you forget what time it was and completely absorbed your attention? Find a way to generate that wonder and excitement – perhaps by taking a cooking or art class, doing jigsaw or crossword puzzles, or starting a garden or scrapbook. Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work.   

Cultivate your spirituality. Whether you go to church, meditate or read inspirational books, give yourself the time and space to regularly engage in a spiritual practice. Research suggests that spirituality is linked to less depression and greater longevity. 

What’s a major health problem affecting half of all adults in the United States today? You may be surprised to hear that it’s not a disease but rather an epidemic of loneliness.

This spring, the nation’s top doc, the Surgeon General, released an advisory about the crisis of loneliness. In conversations with people around the country, he found that loneliness was very common: One in two adults reported experiencing it in recent years, even before the pandemic. This isolation from others can harm not only our mental health but our physical well-being as well, raising the risk of anxiety, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

The solution to this widespread problem is social connection. It is a principle I explore in my forthcoming book about Black women and mental health. From infancy, we crave connection with someone mirroring us and engaging us emotionally – first our parents, then others in our environment. When we don’t have consistent and deep connections as children, it affects how we relate to others as adults. Attachment theory holds that lack of connection in childhood has consequences for our relationships later in life: we may become too clingy or avoidant, pushing people away.    

Human beings need secure attachments to others to survive and to thrive. While our society encourages individualism and competition, these values are not what we need most. As author Yuval Noah Harari has said “Evolution can no longer be held by the idea of ‘survival of the fittest;’ it is more appropriately ‘survival of the most connected.’”

As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival.

This concept is not new to Black people. We hail from a collectivist culture that recognizes the link between individual wellness and community. As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival. That’s why our cultural celebrations like Kwanzaa celebrate unity and coming together for the common good.

We know this intuitively. We are biologically wired to bond with other human beings, individually to a partner, sisterfriend or child, and also communally to groups and community. Our connections are where we seek communal experiences; where we can find a common place/space between ourselves and others that help us feel whole. There are steps you can take to cultivate more meaningful and enriching connections in your life. 

Six Ways to Create or Deepen Our Connections

Plan a gathering or getaway. In addition to routine get-togethers or vacations, organize an experience with an individual or group you want to build a stronger connection with. This could be with a new friend or coworker. A game night, potluck, day trip, or regular walking dates with a girlfriend could be just what you need to deepen the bond between you and even start a new tradition. 

Touch base regularly. Be intentional about reaching out to a family member or friend at least once a week. Make it an appointment in your calendar. Go through your address book and respond to any connections that resonate with or speak to you. Don’t just text; visit in person or make a call. Include someone with whom you lost contact and would like to reconnect.

Write a letter or card. Old-school and languid letter writing has been overshadowed by rapid-fire emails and text messages. Research shows that expressing fondness and admiration can help to improve your relationships. Take the time to write a letter to a friend or relative you seldom see. Share a good memory and perhaps something you miss about them, and ask about how they’re doing. For special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, forgo the digital card and write a genuine, detailed message.  

Have sit-down meals. If you don’t already sit around the table to eat meals with your family, start doing it now. Plan to have dinner together once a week or a Sunday brunch. Encourage children and teens to do it even when they don’t want to: do your part to model connecting. Decide on the menu and cook together. Turn off the TV, tuck away devices, and deeply engage each other.

Practice being present. Whenever you connect with others, make a conscious effort to be fully focused. Turn off or put away your phone and agree that everyone will ignore technology during your time together. If you find your mind drifting to your to-do list or some worry, notice it and bring yourself back to the moment at hand by tuning into the person in front of you – how they look, sound, and move. Think about what you appreciate most about them, and notice how you feel when you do so.

Get involved. Forge new connections by joining an organization or movement that aligns with your values. GirlTrek is a perfect example: it brings Black women together for physical activity and cultural connection. Like to read? Start a book club with friends or neighbors. You can also volunteer with your church or a local nonprofit organization that speaks to your passions. See a problem in your community? Brainstorm how to join with others to fix it. VolunteerMatch or Greatnonprofits.org might spark some ideas.

Investing time and effort to cultivate and nurture your connections regularly will help you avoid the crisis of loneliness and enrich your life and relationships.

Join us for the next cohort of S.W.E.L.L. (Single Women Embracing Life and Love), starting Wednesday Sept. 27. It’s an 8-week virtual support circle for single women. We’ll use literature and lyrics to explore topics like self-love, boundaries, and putting your best self forward in relationships. Registration is required: Visit https://www.musegrace.com/swell for more information. 

You receive an email about a co-worker’s promotion or new job. Your doctor says she’s concerned about your blood pressure. Or maybe a parent falls and suddenly needs a lot more of your time and attention to make sure they’re safe and supported. Any of these events could trigger a sense of unease or even alarm, causing you to wonder about where you are in your life and whether you might want or need to make a change.

It’s normal to be affected by what’s happening to family members, friends or colleagues, or by the awareness that you’re not getting any younger. These moments might make you uncomfortable, fearful, and even disgruntled. But they might also be gifts in disguise. Discontent might be an important signal that it’s time to pause and reflect on what really matters now.

Without introspection and reflection, we can find ourselves coasting through life or in a holding pattern that feels secure but is not fulfilling or benefiting us. When was the last time you considered your values, your goals and how you were living by and striving for them? Every so often it’s worth making the effort to step back from life and reassess. That could lead to a change that is overdue.

Start by taking a deep breath and asking yourself the questions: Am I happy with the way things are right now? If not, don't despair – instead consider taking steps to improve your life.

6 Steps To Making Change Happen

Pinpoint the issue. Consider an area of your life where you feel unsettled or uncertain. Is it your career? Finances? A relationship? Your health? Take a few minutes to write about it in a journal. Explore how you would want things to be different in this area.

Focus on the possible. Ask yourself the “Miracle Question,” a concept from Solution Focused Therapy that goes something like this: “If I could wave a magic wand and all my problems were solved, how would this area of my life be better?” This technique – by acknowledging that your problems are already solved – is intended to help you avoid getting stuck on any obstacles that might block your view of your goals. Write your answer down.

Consider your “Why”. Finish this sentence: “What makes this so important to me is ____________________.” Understanding why you want to make a change can help you take action. 

Review and reflect. Take a few minutes to read over all of what you wrote. Consider what feelings and physical sensations come up as you read your writing. Write down at least three feeling words and note what you feel in your body. Start to think about what next steps you’d like to take.

Talk it through. It may be helpful to explore thoughts and feelings that are connected with this exercise. Check in with a supportive family member, friend or trusted colleague. If this exercise feels challenging, consider getting the help of a therapist. A mental health professional might be able to help you get at the root of a problem, including anything standing in your way such as conflict avoidance. If talk therapy doesn’t appeal to you, explore other types such as art, music, dance or drama therapy.

Make a plan. Maybe you’ve decided to start a job search or to have a candid conversation with an elderly parent and siblings. Or maybe you need to end or seek a new relationship. Whatever it is, consider using the SMART goals framework to stay motivated and hold yourself accountable.  

These strategies will help you get unstuck and move beyond discontent to a better, more positive place in your life. 

monkeybusinessimages/iStock

The official recognition of the day the last enslaved people in the United States learned of their freedom, known as Juneteenth, was a long time coming. It wasn’t until 2021 – nearly 160 years after slavery ended -- that the president signed a proclamation making Juneteenth a federal holiday. The holiday itself shows how freedom delayed can be freedom denied: It took two years for the last enslaved people in Texas to get the word they had been emancipated. 

Some African Americans celebrate freedom twice – Juneteenth and July Fourth – while some have embraced the new federal holiday and released the older one. One argument: Black people were still enslaved at the time of the country’s founding, and today the holiday reminds us that America's promise is still unkept.

For some of us, even our relationship with Juneteenth is complicated: the official recognition came on the heels of the police murder of George Floyd. That could be interpreted as a hasty response to the mass movement inspired by Floyd’s tragic death while still not addressing the need to police violence against Black people. And unfortunately, in some instances, Juneteenth has already been co-opted and commercialized, reducing the significance of the day to a slogan on a T-shirt or soda can.  

Yet Juneteenth is still an important way to acknowledge our history. This year, the holiday falls at a time when the very freedom to learn Black history is under attack. Books featuring Black protagonists or written by Black authors are being banned, Black history courses dropped, and nascent efforts toward diversity, equity and inclusion are already being gutted or eliminated.

Despite the holiday, we continue to be reminded that Black bodies are not free. As Black women, our freedom to have a child or to not have a child is under threat, and we are disproportionate victims of human trafficking. As a community, our freedom to vote for our political leaders and issues that matter to us is being eroded in state after state.

Why freedom matters: We need a sense of bodily freedom to move about the world and feel safe. We need personal and political freedom to experience agency and make choices in our lives. With these liberties, we can have a voice, set goals, and take responsibility for our futures.

Without these basic freedoms, we are at risk and can suffer from mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. Structural racism is a well-established source of trauma for African Americans. Ongoing racial trauma can harm our mental health and well-being, leading to avoidance, distrust, chronic stress, physical symptoms, and illness. 

At this moment, let’s use Juneteenth as a reminder to reflect on and reclaim our freedoms. If you can, take the day off from work. Whether you’re planning to celebrate with a family gathering, community event or quietly at home, consider these questions for affirming the past and embracing the idea of freedom:

What more can I learn? If you’re like a lot of African Americans, particularly in the North, you may not have even heard of Juneteenth until recent years. The National Museum of African American History and Culture offers an overview of Juneteenth as well as a summer reading list, resources to share with children, and ways to mark the holiday on social media. Find out what local libraries and museums in your community are offering in the days leading up to and including Juneteenth.

What more can I do? The struggle for freedom is on many fronts – economic, educational, health, criminal justice, and more. What issue do you feel compelled to do something about? See if there is a committee within your faith community, sorority, or other organization where you can lend your time and talents. The NAACP outlines a list of key issues and ways to make your voice heard. 

What can I change? Take a moment to watch this video of the descendants of abolitionist Frederick Douglass reading his famous “What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?” speech. You can also read the full text. Then grab your laptop or a notebook and take 5 to 10 minutes to respond to the following writing prompts:

In what area of my life could I use more freedom?

What makes this so important to me is __________.

Once you’re done, take several minutes to reflect on what you wrote and consider how you can turn your thoughts into reality. 

Juneteenth is more than a holiday – it’s an opportunity to renew our personal and collective commitment to the full realization of freedom for ourselves, our families and our communities.

*** 
To explore more deeply, join me for a free virtual community writing event on Monday, June 12, at 7 a.m. ET/10 a.m. PT (registration required). For more info and to register: https://www.sowleadershipdevelopment.org/wake-up-everybody 

When the political correspondent Abby Phillip posed a tough question to the former president at the White House in 2018, and he responded with “What a stupid question,” Phillip did not falter or shrink. The Black female reporter exhibited what I call grace, remaining composed and focused on her job, in the face of stunning rudeness. It would not be the only time the Harvard grad demonstrated such poise, but it was a defining moment. 

Similarly, in 2021 when Sheryl Underwood of The Talk confronted her co-host Sharon Osbourne about the topic of racism, she remained calm and respectful as Osbourne got increasingly agitated and defensive. Even after Osbourne told Underwood, on air, to withhold her own emotions, Underwood remained calm, present and willing to listen under duress, allowing space for her friend and co-host to share her feelings about an issue that wasn’t about her, but that she seemed to take personally. In this example, Underwood, known more for her caustic persona, displayed remarkable self-control, patience, dignity and grace. 

In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being.

Grace. It is a quality we know when we see, hear and experience it. It means different things to different people and has a specific religious significance in the sense of being in God’s favor. But the behavior that Phillip and Underwood displayed under pressure is a form of grace that all Black women could benefit from cultivating within ourselves. In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being. As Black women, we have times when we may be justified in wanting to go off. We can and should still stand up for ourselves, and it’s grace that will keep us grounded, balanced and – in the long run – well. 

Why does grace matter? If we responded to every instance of racism and sexism with anger or defensiveness, we would be at the mercy of the ignorance of others, which would harm our mental and physical health. Research has shown that even perceived discrimination is a factor in chronic stress-related health disparities, including hypertension and diabetes in African Americans. Grace may be one effective remedy for coping with and healing from the racism we routinely face.

Dignity, thoughtfulness, and considerateness are other words associated with grace. Ease of movement, like a ballet dancer, as well. To grow in our gracefulness, we need to be self-aware and practice grace in how we show up in the world every day. It also means showing grace to ourselves.

Here are some simple and profound ways to cultivate and manifest grace in your daily life:

Use Affirmations as Reminders. Brainstorm simple statements you can repeat to yourself in moments when you could use a little grace. Examples include:

“When ____ happens, I remind myself that I am _____.” 

“In hard times I lean into my _______.” 

“I speak up when I see ________.” 

Use colorful pencils or pens to write all your affirmations on one page, or each on its own page. Frame and display your words as reminders of your capacity for grace. 

Laugh a Little. Humor can also help us to build grace. Can you think of a time when you temporarily lost it over a minor issue and realized later with hindsight that you overreacted? Try to bring that big-picture perspective to moments that might call for grace. Can you laugh at the small stuff? You can often find humor in the little mistakes and mishaps of life.

Let It Go. Is there someone in your life you hold a grudge toward? Who you haven’t spoken to in years? Maybe it’s time to forgive them; or, to forgive the most important person – yourself. If you can’t get to forgiveness, what would it mean for you to get to a place of resolve? In this way, you decide that you’re not going to carry the hurt forward. Sometimes letting go of old hurts can be healing and expand your capacity for grace. 

Relax Your Expectations. As Black women, we often demand a lot of ourselves, and others, too. But expecting perfection can cause unnecessary stress. Know when you’ve done good enough and reward yourself. Acknowledge when your partner or children might be doing the best that they can – even if you think they could do better. Express your appreciation for yourself and the people you care about every day.

Speak Gently. We are often stereotyped as being “angry” – yelling and swiveling our necks when tested. Yet that is not who we need to be. Like Underwood, we can be intentional about our tone and words in even the most trying situations. 

To help manage your behavior in response to difficult experiences, use “opposite action” a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy technique for emotional regulation. For example, if you’re so upset you want to scream at somebody, take a deep breath and speak in a low and measured voice. This technique calls for you to practice mindfulness – to be more aware of your emotional and physical responses.

Show Grace to Receive Grace. Say “thank you” more often. Smile, and notice the shift in your mood. Give what you can to people in need. Don’t expect anything in return but know that your generosity is a model for others and contributes to more grace in the world. 

Finally, to expand your sense of grace, consider the poem by former National Poet Laureate Elizabeth Alexander, "Praise Song for the Day," created for the first inauguration of President Barack Obama in 2009. Written for a momentous occasion, it reflects grace in the everyday way we overcome challenges in our lives – ordinary people doing extraordinary things – as well as in our shared and individual histories. With elegance and plain-spokenness, it encourages us to consider our capacity to move forward with hope. Here’s my favorite passage:

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,

the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Read the full poem, Praise Song for the Day, and reflect on what it says about grace to you.

Lately it seems like a day doesn’t go by without some challenge to our identities as Black folk. States are passing laws to suppress the teaching of Black history, books featuring Black characters or stories are being pulled from school and library shelves, and Black scholars like Nicole Hannah Jones and Kimberlé Crenshaw are targets of attack. 

This opposition to our culture and heritage is not new, but it seems to be intensifying and filled with more animus. Hard-fought gains are being eroded as affirmative action continues to be chipped away and diversity and inclusion programs are questioned or abandoned altogether. This onslaught of anti-blackness strikes at the very core of who we are -- and our identities as Black people. It puts us on the defensive and threatens to undermine our sense of self. It’s a wake-up call to recognize what’s happening and clap back.

In an upcoming book that I am co-authoring about Black women and resilience, we speak about the power of identity and the role it plays in the lives of Black women. Black women can thrive in the face of racism if we know who we are – if we embrace our history, acknowledging the places of struggle while working to rise above our circumstances. Discovering the internal self is about embracing those qualities and characteristics that are uniquely ours and feeling safe enough to be our most authentic selves. 

Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny.

Identity has become a loaded word, associated with "identity politics," "wokeness" and other polarizing ideas. Owning our identity means recognizing and celebrating our culture, our individual stories, our collective stories, our values. All of that factors into what makes each of us unique. It also gives us common ground and a collective sense of purpose. Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny. Without a clear sense of identity, we may easily fall prey to stereotypes – how others view us and who they say we are.

As we reflect on this past Black History Month and celebrate Women’s History Month, it’s the perfect time to reflect on and celebrate all that makes us who we are. But how can you reaffirm your sense of self?

Here are ways to reframe the concept of identity and use it to your advantage. 

Name and claim who you are. Choose a word that describes something about you. It may be something that others do not know or see. Consider what makes you unique and be sure you choose a positive word. Maybe you describe yourself as “playful” or “creative” or “determined.” If you’re not sure, ask a close friend for suggestions. Once you settle on a word, write it down and then describe at least three ways in which you live out that aspect of yourself. Then describe at least three ways in which you plan to express it more in the future. 

Explore your people’s history. Talk to an elder in your family or community to learn about your people, who they are and how they came to be. Flip through old family photographs to start the conversation. Is there a story that has been passed down that you can learn more about? Does someone in your family have a name (or nickname) that you want to know more about? You can look into DNA testing for African Americans to go further back into your family tree. Who were your ancestors? What were they like? Where did they live? What did they do? Consider how they have contributed to who you are today. 

Learn about your own name. If you don’t already know the story behind your name, find out. If you were named after an ancestor or historical figure, do a little digging to discover more about them. Does your name have a meaning? Explore its significance.

Be clear about your values. In many ways we are our values, or the beliefs that guide and motivate us. To strengthen your identity, bring into focus what matters most to you. Maybe it's family or community or social justice. Try this 10-minute values exercise. In what ways are you, or could you be, living these values more fully? 

Express yourself. As Black people, we often talk about code-switching to adapt to the environment we’re in. There is a time and place for that, but we also owe it to ourselves to be ourselves wherever we are. Whether at work or at home, fill it with family photos, artwork and books that reflect your identity and values. Wear jewelry or clothing that expresses your true self. Share ethnic food at a work potluck or lunch. Surround yourself with elements that reflect your Black identity.

Write and reflect. Revisit Dr. Maya Angelou’s anthem to self-awareness and resilience, Still I Rise. Use the following prompts to explore your personal history and embrace your identity. Write to one, two or all three prompts.

1. In the poem, Dr. Angelou is letting someone know that it doesn’t matter how they perceive her – how she sees herself is what matters. Write a brief letter to someone describing how you see yourself, and even how your perception might challenge theirs.

2. Dr. Angelou writes: I rise – Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave…

What gifts do you bring from your ancestors? How are you using them or how do you intend to use them?

3. What words or lines speak to you the most? Write about why.

Once you’re done, take a few minutes and review what you wrote. Write three feeling words that reflect how you feel when you read your own words. How does your writing inform how you see yourself?

Every February, Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder to let our romantic partners know we care about them and just how important they are to us. We might pick up a corny greeting card, box of chocolates, or plan a special dinner date out. But what if we took it a step further and used this opportunity to be more intentional and make a commitment to deepen our relationship? 

Even if you are content with your partnership, you can easily fall into routines or patterns and let your relationship coast on auto-pilot. If you have children or demanding jobs, finding quality time to spend together can be especially hard. Sex may be good but infrequent at best. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, it’s worth the effort to make your relationship just that much juicier.

How to get started? Experts at the Gottman Institute have spent decades studying married couples to uncover the secrets to happy, healthy relationships. They use the metaphor of a “Sound Relationship House” to describe scientifically proven foundational building blocks for sturdy, lasting bonds. I’d like to focus on three of the principles they have identified that you can adopt to strengthen your relationship starting today.

The following are tried-and-true ways to reconnect with your partner and keep the passion of your relationship alive and thriving.

Express Fondness and Appreciation. Yes, you love and respect your partner, but how often do you let them know? Don’t assume they can read your mind or that they already know. They need to hear it. If your partner always takes responsibility for certain chores or fixing things around the house, acknowledge that by saying something like: “I really appreciate how you ______ (fill in the specific act that they do). I love how you take care of us.” Maybe your boo volunteers or makes a point of donating time or money to those in need. You could say, “I really admire how you look out for our community.” 

The point is to identify what you appreciate about your partner and vocalize it, connecting the behavior to its impact on you and others. You could make a goal of expressing your fondness at least once per day. This practice will not only make your partner feel good, it keeps you focused on the positive, which can help sustain your partnership in times of conflict or stress. 

Turn Toward. Your partner might reach out for attention or comfort, verbally or through unspoken body language. For example, they might unexpectedly grab your hand or share a detail about their day. That is what the Gottmans refer to as a “bid” for connection or support. It’s key to stay tuned to those bids and to turn toward your partner in response, i.e., receive and squeeze their hand or say something like, “Really? Tell me more about that.” 

When you make the commitment to turn toward your partner rather than ignore their signals or reject them, you communicate that you are open and receptive to their needs. If your partner tells you about something that happened to them at work or about a goal they reached, it’s time to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full, undivided attention. You can reinforce this by physically turning toward your partner and making eye contact. Here’s your opportunity to listen and make your loved one know you hear them. If your partner is troubled, you can validate their feelings by saying, “That sounds hard” or “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated by what happened.” No need to solve the problem; just empathize. This habit will encourage your partner to respond in kind when you are seeking support or acknowledgement. 

Positive Regard. Expressing fondness and turning toward your partner are building blocks of positive regard. By deciding to accentuate the positive about your partner, you focus your attention on their good qualities and contributions to the relationship rather than on the negative. It’s easy to notice what they didn’t do or to criticize this thing or that, but a negative perspective only undermines your bond. While as human beings, we may be wired to look for what’s wrong to protect ourselves, we can’t let that tendency drown out the good. 

Developing positive regard for your partner is not a passive step but an active effort. What do you appreciate and admire most about your partner? Make a point of bringing those characteristics or behaviors into focus. Let the small stuff slide and give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake. This principle will fill the well of positivity that you can rely on when conflicts arise. It can also create a culture of positivity in the relationship that benefits you too.

These principles may seem deceptively simple but they are effective techniques for building strong, lasting relationships. I often assign clients homework of expressing positive regard at least once a day, and we can quickly see how that creates a shift in their behavior and feelings toward each other. Put them into practice in addition to buying that box of chocolates (dark chocolate, please). 

If you and your partner are interested in learning three powerful ways to make love last, attend my upcoming workshop, "Heartsongs" for couples only on February 25th. We'll use literature and lyrics to help you deepen your intimacy, connect with compassion and more.

Imagine this scenario: You are at work one day and receive an email announcing that a colleague (who joined the organization later than you) was promoted above you or received a key assignment you were hoping for. Like a team player, you congratulate your coworker, but you quietly seethe about the lost opportunity. 

What did you do wrong? Why weren’t you the one to receive that raise or plum project? These are questions you may have, but might never ask out loud.

This may be a familiar experience. And it’s a lesson, too. As Black women, we are often on the front lines for social justice and quick to speak up for others. But when it comes to our personal needs, some of us might be reluctant to rally for ourselves. Self-advocacy is an important life skill that you need to create the life you want and deserve.

You may not have adopted self-advocacy growing up if your parents didn’t allow you to have a voice in the home, or if you never witnessed it in practice because they didn’t know how to advocate for themselves in a hostile world. Without the ability to identify what you want and ask for it unapologetically, you may have allowed others to take advantage or walk all over you.

But it’s never too late to learn self-advocacy and the ability to speak up for what matters to you. You have responsibilities, such as putting in the work, but you also have rights – including the right to be heard and treated equally.

What Stops You from Speaking Up?

I often explore this issue in my therapy practice. Some clients don’t self-advocate because they fear rejection or an angry response if they do stand up for themselves. That is the case at work as well as in relationships, where women often wait and wait for a partner to take the next step out of fear of losing them if they ask for what they want. 

Another barrier to self-advocacy might be settling for another person’s vision of who you are. Just because a boss doesn’t see you in a leadership position or doesn’t recognize your contributions doesn’t mean you have to accept their perspective.

Racism and sexism may also be factors. If you consciously or unconsciously assumed that a certain opportunity would never be open to a woman or a person of color, you might never go for it. The experience of bias or microaggressions might also cause you to hold back. 

Becoming Your Own Advocate

Learning to speak up for yourself can seem daunting. But you can do it with some internal examination and these steps:

Clarify Your Values. To practice self-advocacy, you need to first identify what you value, whether that’s in a career or in a relationship. What matters to you most in this situation?  What do you need? Try this exercise to help you discover your core values and write them down.

Find the Right Time. Once you are clear about your values, like any new skill, self-advocacy takes planning. If you want to ask for a promotion or new title to match your growing responsibilities, think through who you will ask, where and when. Your next one-on-one meeting or an annual review might be the ideal opportunity. 

Make Your Case. Prepare your argument: What contributions have you made that warrant the new position? If you can quantify how you’ve improved the bottom line or cite examples of achievements, it will build your confidence and increase the likelihood you’ll be heard. 

Get Feedback. Ask a mentor, friend, career coach or therapist to role-play with you and provide feedback. Even making the ask of an empty chair can have benefits. 

Plan for Plan B. Finally, decide what you will do if the answer is no. It may be enough for you to have stated what you want. But if it’s not, consider asking your boss what you need to do to earn the promotion or raise. Do you need to receive additional training? Or volunteer for a high-profile project? Or you might simply decide it’s time to dust off your resume and to move on.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the process of self-advocacy is the same: zero in on what you value and want, practice the conversation you will have, and consider what you’ll do if your partner doesn’t respond the way you hoped. By asking for a commitment, you might get it. But if you are disappointed, you’ll walk away with a stronger sense of who you are and what you need to be happy.

Whatever happens at work or in life, standing up for your values will give you a greater sense of agency and strength in knowing you are responsible for your life.

Start the new year with a magical question…

As we forge ahead into a new year, the idea of resolutions can feel either rote or overwhelming. Even if we set motivating goals, by mid-February we may already feel as if we’ve fallen behind and nothing has changed. We’re ready to give up, and our habits and lives continue as before.

Typically we want to make resolutions because, on some level, we are frustrated or find some part of our lives unsatisfying. In my therapy practice, I often hear clients talk about the intense pressure to perform at work without support or constant concern about being less than perfect. They are employed at a job that pays the bills and then some, but they are not inspired and fulfilled by the work that they do. They want something more but can’t determine what it is or figure out how to get it.

Chasing the next achievement or task on a to-do list may not provide the joy we seek. So how do we think differently about a fresh start or create a new opportunity to change habits? Instead of drafting a list of resolutions or goals you think you should meet, use the inspiration of a New Year to get intentional about what you want to do differently and lay the foundation for a more genuine shift that lasts.

One way to prepare to get unstuck from the past is to take a step back and consider deeper issues about what gives your life meaning. Ask yourself an Adlerian "magical question:" 

If you could wave a magic wand and make this change in your life, how would it be different??

This simple question, inspired by the philosopher and psychiatrist Alfred Adler, is powerful and effective. It's one I often pose to clients because to it gives permission to dream, to see how life might unfold and to consider the fears and real or perceived obstacles that might keep you from taking steps to change. 

To start this New Year with an open mind and different perspective, I recommend allowing a magical question to guide you as you delve into these three journaling activities. Carve out some quiet time (about 30 minutes total), get comfortable, grab a cup of tea and your favorite pen, and write as you reflect on the following:

1. Identify the issues. Make a list of 3-5 aspects of your life where you feel stuck and would like to see a change. The list might include a relationship, a work issue, finances or self-care. Once you make the list, go back to each item and add a line or two that reflects what you want to change in a given area. Get granular: In your relationship, do you want more passion? What does that look like? More fun? When doing what? At work, do you want more autonomy? More flexibility to work from home? What do you want your typical day to look like?

If you’re unsure about how you'd like to change a particular item on your list, repeat the magical question, focused on a specific issue.

2.  Narrow your focus. Now that you have your list of life areas you’d like to change, choose just one that resonates with you the most. Or rank the items in order of importance and choose the one that feels most urgent. Write about why you want to see change in that particular area of your life. Complete these sentences: 1. What makes that issue so important to me is __________. 2. Making a meaningful change in this area will make me _____________. 3. This change fits with my vision for myself to _____________. This step will help you clarify why this matters to you.

3.  Write a letter to yourself. Imagine yourself one year from now. Write yourself a letter from your one-year-later perspective about the changes you made in the life area you chose. Assume you were successful in making a difference and congratulate yourself. How did you address any concerns you currently have about making a change? Describe how you overcame any challenges. High-five yourself for working hard, for staying focused, for not letting others’ doubts sow doubts in your own mind and heart – you did that!

Be specific about steps you took each day, each week or each month to bring your change to fruition. Let's say your focus was self-care. Perhaps you lowered you stress by adding acts of self-care to your calendar so you would not miss your "appointments." Or you mapped and pursued a strategy to trade a soul-sapping job for more meaningful work.

When you're done, review your letter. Consider what feelings come up as you read your words to yourself. What are you curious about? What do you feel in your body? What changes might you want to make as a result of your writing? Take a few minutes more to write about about about your self-reflection. This might be your road map for your first steps toward change.

Why does this technique work? It taps into and releases the power of your thoughts, which can get buried in the day-to-day and other people’s expectations, and engages your feelings and your fears, which can dampen or drive your motivation. By stating what you want and acting “as if” it already happened, you create the mindset for growth and give yourself hope. 

Start today! What’s one key area of your life where you want to get unstuck over the next year? Share in the comments below.

During the winter months, those of us in cooler climates may be inclined to spend more time indoors as the temps drop and daylight savings comes to an end. And if you work from home, it can be even easier to stay inside and be less active (hello, Doordash and Uber Eats). But when we do this, we miss out on critical time in sunlight, which can trigger changes in the body such as reduced serotonin, vitamin D, or too much melatonin, which can affect your mood.  

There are ways you can counter these feelings and boost your vitamin D, such as using “happy lights” light therapy in your space, and eating foods such as fatty fish, dark leafy greens and even dark chocolate. But don’t miss out on the feel-good benefits of getting outdoors and moving your body. 

Communing with nature can help us avoid the negative moods and melancholy of the season. Research has shown that exposure to the natural environment can reduce depression and anxiety. It also keeps us active, which counters the poor health effects of sitting for long periods indoors.

If you feel sad for two weeks or more, if you find it hard to get out of bed, if you notice yourself isolating or losing interest in things you used to enjoy doing, consider talking to a therapist. Whether or not you decide to seek counseling, spending more time outdoors and in nature will support your healing. So bundle up and try these activities:

Go for a walk or hike. Take a brisk walk in your neighborhood or at a local park with hiking trails. Walking is free and has so many benefits, including getting your heartrate up and getting you outdoors and closer to nature. Tune into a Girltrek Black History Bootcamp podcast for inspiration. 

Keep playing outdoor sports. Just because it’s cold out, you don’t have to stop playing sports you enjoy like basketball, tennis or throwing a football. Make it a family outing or join a local team. The activity will warm you up and the camaraderie will boost your mood.

Bask in sunlight. Even though there are fewer daylight hours, be sure to soak up some rays when you can. Step outside for a few minutes in the morning, during your lunch break or at the end of the day to experience the warmth and beauty of sunlight. You may even catch a lovely sunset.

Having fun in the snow.

Enjoy the snow. Even if you’re not a winter sports fan, you can still get a good workout in the snow. Try cross country skiing or snowshoeing, which is something I love to do. You’ll work up a sweat even when it’s cold. If you have kids, take them ice skating or sledding. Build a snowman together or surprise them with a snowball fight. You might just reconnect with the child in you.

Visit a local zoo, botanical garden or state park. These spots, which are often open year-round, get you up close to animals and greenery, and provide ideal scenery for a long walk.

Plan a trip. If you’re able, plan a weekend (or longer) escape to a warmer destination or one that puts you squarely in nature, like a mountain cabin or ski lodge. There may be opportunities like winter camping or ice fishing. A winter getaway may be just what you need to change your perspective.

Try a new outdoor hobby. Bird watching or outdoor photography can get you outside and give you a new skill that builds confidence and joy. Do a little research to find a local club or tour that you can join. 

Volunteer outside. Is there a cause you feel strongly about? There may be an opportunity to support a local charity by signing up for a fundraising walk or run, or helping to clean up a local park or support a nature preserve. Helping others feels good and prevents soul-crushing isolation. 

Another way to counter the blues and nurture your spirit is to take some time to journal. For seasonal inspiration, consider Winter Poem, a short and sweet glimpse of experiencing the wonders of winter, by Nikki Giovanni. Once you’ve read it, write to one of these prompts: 1) This poem explores seasonal transitions. What transitions are you exploring in your own life? How are they connected with the seasonal shift? 2) Like kissing snowflakes, list 5-10 ways you can embrace the change in seasons.  3) What phrase or line resonates most with you, and why? You can even do your writing outside.

Attend my monthly writing series to banish the blues

Click here to join Writing and Lighting the Way: Self-Care for Seasonal Blues.

Join my writing group to overcome the winter blues.

This monthly writing series that runs all winter until March will lift spirits that might dip when the temperature drops and the nights grow long. Using literature and lyrics, we'll explore seasonal sadness and holistic ways to welcome winter and thrive as the seasons change. First Saturday of the month for four months, starting Dec. 3. (Bring: something to write with (notepad, journal, your computer). No writing experience necessary.)